Our first sex happened in the dark. What I realized during the foreplay was, he didn’t want me to touch his bangalaa. Each time I reached out to touch, he prevented it. I felt it was our first time so he wasn’t comfortable.

I stopped trying and allowed him to do what he wanted to do. Right afterwards, he entered the bathroom and came back in his shorts. Everything happened so fast as if we were stealing each other and didn’t want to be caught. He went to the hall and turned on the TV. I got up, washed down and followed him to the hall.

Our relationship started as a long-distance relationship. He was someone I knew while growing up. One day we connected on Facebook and kept talking until he proposed to me. I didn’t accept his proposal until he came to town and I saw him. He called me beautiful anytime he saw me. When he asked me to send a photo and I did, his first comment was, “You’re so beautiful I can’t wait to have you as my wife.”

Yes, he said wife. He didn’t just say it, he put plans down for me to know he was really serious about what he was saying. When he came to town, he took me to his parents’ house. His parents are not living there. The house has been rented out but the master’s has been left vacant for their visits. We stayed in the house for three days and that was when our first shuperu happened.

When he went away, we chatted every day and night. In the night we’ll do a video call. He would ask to see my body and I will show it to him but each time I asked him to do the same, he found a clever excuse to give me. With time, I realized he wasn’t going to do it so I stopped asking but I also stopped showing him what he wanted to see. He kept pushing. I kept pulling away. “Things like these have to be reciprocated. I give, you give. You can’t take and leave me dry,” I complained.

I thought it would push him to do something but he didn’t. For him to show me his, he would rather not take mine though he loved to see it. He came to town again months later. He got to town in the night. I spent the night with him. Again, the same thing happened. He wouldn’t let me see his bangalaa and he wouldn’t let me touch it too. Because of that, he would hold my two hands as if I were arrested and do it until he was done. The lights were off. Eyes could not see anything.

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Right after he was done, he entered the bath and returned in his trousers. No after-care. No lying in bed naked talking. Nothing like a second round. I asked him why. I asked him why he was always in a hurry to cover up. He answered, “Does it worry you that I cover myself up? I’m just not so comfortable now. Let’s take things slowly. I’ll get used to you.”

I figured when we do it in the daytime, he would come to the party and let himself go. I tried all my antics to get him interested but this guy didn’t pick up the bait. He made me feel like I was being a nuisance. I tried to kiss him, he disengaged. I put my head on his lap, he moved away. I sat on his lap while wearing only a panty, he pushed me away and got up.

In the evening, he began playing naughty with me, the same thing I did in the afternoon when he pushed me away. I also refused to engage. He begged for it but I turned my back on him.

We had a conversation. I asked why and asked what he was hiding. He talked about issues concerning confidence and asked for more time. He asked me to take things slowly with him. “I don’t want you to force it. Time will make things better than they are today.” I answered, “I get it. Then I’ll wait until you’re confident enough to come all out. I can’t eat what I can’t see so it’s not happening again.”

That night he huffed and puffed but I didn’t agree. I slept next to him in tight shorts. He tried all night but nothing happened.

Since he mentioned confidence, I thought it was an area I had to work on so I started talking about the things I liked about him. I don’t lie when I say he’s a beautiful man. He’s tall, well-built, bearded in the right places and has a lot of sense to match. In our chats, I brought up these qualities and complimented him on them. He seemed to like it.

“I’m with you because, at this moment in my life, no other man will do,” I told him. He answered with a marriage proposal; “When are we getting married?”

The thing is, how do I discuss marriage when I don’t even know the body of the person I’m getting married to? He’s not a stranger I met off the street. We both come from the same town and grew up together. Our childhood happened at the same time in the same place. We should have no reason to hide anything, especially something intimate like a bangalaa.

We no longer have shuperu these days. We’ve crossed the one-year milestone in our relationship but are stagnant because he won’t let me see what he’s hiding.

“Are you uncircumcised?” I asked. He answered,  “There’s nothing physically wrong with it. I just am not comfortable.”

That’s what confuses me. In all my adult life, I’ve never met a man who hides and continues to hide after a year. They go for it right from the start and they allow you to be the judge. The one I have here wouldn’t let it go so I can be the judge. He’s the player and also the referee.

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I told him I’m not moving an inch into the unknown territories of marriage until I know what ought to be known. We are here watching the arms of time moving but we are not growing. In my mind, when another man turns up and he’s serious about love and relationship, I’ll give him a chance. This man in my life is scaring me already. 

— Bernice

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