When I first met Kwabena, I did not give him much thought. I barely even looked in his direction. He was an intern at my workplace, and that was it. Even when I later became friends with some of the interns, I did not fancy any of them. Kwabena was one of the few people I made friends with but it was all just friendship. He didn’t talk much so I did not get to know him well, which was fine with me.

A year after their internship ended he came back to the organization as a national service person. By then I was the executive secretary of the CEO. Our friendship remained an affair of few words spoken between us until we were assigned to facilitate a one-week training outside our office. It was during that week that I got a little closer to him.

There was a time during our training when one of the other facilitators jokingly said to us, “You two look good together.” We both smiled at her and went our way. After the training, we got together to write a couple of reports for our boss. That was our bonding moment. By the time we finished with the reports, our friendship was blooming.

Three months into our friendship Kwabena told me, “Ewura, I like you.” “Aww, I like you too,” I responded. Then he gave me an intense look and said, “I believe I am in love with you.” With a straight face, I responded, “I am sorry but, I don’t love you. I only like you as a friend. There can’t be anything more between us.”  He accepted my response in good faith and agreed for us to stay friends.

I had my own place so he often came around on weekends to help me cook, and clean. Soon enough my heart started missing him whenever we were apart. It is no joke when they say, “Absence makes the heart grows fonder.” The less I saw of him the more I wanted him in my space. Looking at the way he always found reasons to be around me, I knew he always wanted to be in my space too.

And as the good book says, “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth proceeded.” When I could no longer contain my feelings for him, I came clean. I told him about the many ways I was nurturing love for him in my heart. He was so happy to hear that I would finally feel as he does.

It’s been four years since we started dating, and within this period he has proposed marriage twice. The first time he proposed I told him, “Kwabena, I love you, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. It’s just that, I think we shouldn’t rush into marriage. There are a few things I still need to do before we finally settle down. Please, give me some time to be ready.” He did not force things. He calmly accepted my response and we continued our relationship.

The second time he proposed, I told him, “Babe, I am still not ready. Give me more time.” Again, he did not force things. He only told me, “I am here for as long as you need me to be. Just let me know when you are ready, so we can start making preparations.” I said okay and our relationship continued.

Kwabena is good to me. He has helped me grow a lot. I have no doubt in my heart that he loves me. And I remind him as often as I can, that I love him. The reason I have not jumped at the opportunity to marry him is that I have seen a few things that have caused me to raise questions about our future together.

Two years ago, our organization organized a skill training program for some girls across Ghana, and Kwabena was the lead trainer. I saw him getting close to one particular lady. There were days when I would wake up at 1 AM to use the washroom and find my man busily chatting with this lady. I know his password, so I would go through his phone hoping to see their chats but it was always empty. Why would he delete their messages if he didn’t have anything to hide?

One day I confronted him about it and he swore there was nothing going on between them. I chose to believe him and let the matter go. The training ended after 6 months and the girl left to wherever she came from. My boyfriend later traveled to Accra and returned with a new pair of shoes and a neck pillow. I didn’t ask him any questions but he felt the need to tell me his best friend bought the items for him. Later, I found out that they came from the lady he swore he had nothing to do with. When I asked him he said, “She gave them to me as a “thank you” gift, for my help during the training. I am sorry that I lied to you.” He assured me nothing happened between them but I was not convinced. However, I tried to move past it.

Eight months ago, he confessed that he made a move on a girl in our office. “I started talking to her, but it dawned on me that I was making a mistake, so I shut it down.” I didn’t take it lightly at all. I felt so hurt and betrayed to the point where I couldn’t concentrate at work. I even ended up in the hospital. However, he kept assuring me that he didn’t pursue anything with her. So once again, I swept it under the carpet and did my best to move past it.

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After that incident, he traveled for almost six weeks. On the night he returned, something strange happened during shuperu. We’ve had crazy nights of lovemaking, but that night was too crazy. Certain things happened that didn’t sit well with me, so I went into his WhatsApp when he slept. I decided not to read any messages between him and any lady. Rather, I opened the chats between him and his best friend. Guys, I couldn’t read all of it. Just one conversation broke me into pieces.

There was an older woman during his trip that Kwabena wanted to sleep with. He invited her to his room but he didn’t show up. He was discussing it with his friend with a lot of pain. My boyfriend was in pain because he didn’t get the chance to cheat on me. In as much as I was hurt, I kept my cool for three weeks. When I finally asked him about it he admitted everything. “Honestly, the lady came to my hotel room, but nothing happened. I thought of you, and our good memories, and I couldn’t do it. I am sorry that I even entertained such a thought.” I told him to block the woman and he did.

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His behavior since then showed that he is a changed man. That was until last night when he asked me a shocking question. Out of nowhere, Kwabena asked me, “Babe, what do you think about an open relationship?” I was so confused that I couldn’t give him an answer. It appears he has no intention of changing. Now, he is practically asking me for permission to cheat, by suggesting an open relationship.

Kwabena is the first man I have dated, but these red flags are enough to make me drag my feet when it comes to marrying him. How can I marry a man who wants an open relationship? Is it even considered cheating if I am aware of it? Is monogamy dead? It seems most people can’t just stick to one partner anymore. I have so much on my mind. I don’t even know what to make of my relationship with Kwabena anymore.

—Ewura

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