He Want’s To Marry Me But Doesn’t Want A Relationship With My Daughter

I have a nine-year-old daughter. I had her when I was twenty-one years old. Her father wanted to marry me when he realized that I was pregnant. He already had a wife, which I didn’t know until I got pregnant. I was heartbroken but I was determined to have the baby. He was also determined to have the baby with me. He talked about marriage. He wanted me to be his second wife. I told him, “That’s not possible. If I knew you had a wife, we wouldn’t have gotten here in the first place. You lied to me. I won’t allow that lie to become the truth. No, I won’t marry you.”

He had married his wife for six years and they hadn’t had a baby yet. He was scared they may not have a baby. According to him, his parents advised him to look elsewhere; “Find another woman and give birth with her before you waste your youth on a woman who may never give birth,” his parents told him. His friends also supported the idea. I was the girl he found when he decided to go by the advice of his friends and family. I asked him, “So why didn’t you tell me that was the plan? When I was trying to avoid pregnancy, you were trying to get me pregnant for your selfish gains. That’s ok. The baby is yours. I can’t be yours.” 

Just a year after I had my baby, his wife also got pregnant. His wife knew about me and the baby but she wasn’t bothered. When his wife got pregnant, he shifted his attention from me to his wife. He stopped visiting us. He stopped sending us the monthly allowance he promised. He stopped playing his role as a father to my baby. I chased him around before he sent us a pittance. I got tired of chasing him. I stopped so he also stopped coming around. 

I didn’t give up. My parents supported me. Especially my dad. He gave me a monthly allowance. He took care of medical bills for the kids. He did everything the father stopped doing. I didn’t sleep because I had a father doing the most for me. I went around looking for a job to support us. When my baby was three years old, I found a job that paid me enough to be able to take care of the two of us.

I’ve had men chasing me around as far back as when my baby was only a year old. Those I don’t like, I said no to them. Those I loved and saw a future with them I said yes to them but with a caveat; “I have a daughter. If you don’t mind, then fine we can go ahead and have a relationship.” They’ll say they don’t mind but time has a way of proving that they indeed had a problem with me having a child. I dated Martin for three years. Everything about him showed that he loved me and loved my kid. He came home bearing gifts for her. He could even take her out for shopping and later come home with her. I fell deeply in love with him knowing the direction the relationship was going. 

When push came to shove, he left us. He said, “You have a daughter. That’s the only problem.” I retorted, “I’ve had a daughter since day one and you said you don’t mind. She even calls you daddy because you’ve played that role in her life so why is she the reason you can’t continue?” He said, “It’s not me. It’s my parents. Left to me alone, we would have gone ahead and gotten married but my parents don’t support it. They don’t see the need for a young guy like me to start life with a daughter. They said no!”

I didn’t push it. Once my daughter is involved, I don’t force things to happen. Heartbroken, I let that relationship go.

Here I am today with another man I’ve dated for over a year. He visited the office one day and found me. I assisted him to go through the process of what brought him to our office. when all was said and done, he asked for my number and I gave it to him. He asked me out one day and I obliged. I love his personality and how calm he approaches situations. He’s ten years older than I am and it’s his maturity that drew me in. When I realized our friendship was going far, I told him about my daughter. He asked questions about her and I answered. 

I told him about our past and how I came to have her. He asked me, “Is her father involved in her life in any way?” I said, “No. Not really. He hadn’t been involved since the girl was two years old. I don’t bother. I have a job that supports us so we are good.”

Not too long afterward, he proposed and I said yes. But he’s a different kind of man. Very different from the way Martin was. Martin was so involved with my daughter but this one isn’t. Martin will take her out and play with her every day but this one comes to me and it’s only me he cares about. He’ll say hello to my girl and ask how she is and that would be all. The rest of the day would be spent with me while cutting off my daughter.

When he’s around, I feel my daughter gets lonely. All his attention comes to me and because of that, I have to give him all my attention too, putting aside the need of my girl. I’m not comfortable with that. He hadn’t shown anything for me to think he doesn’t want my daughter but it’s just the little things he doesn’t do with her when he comes around that bothers me. So we had a conversation about it;

“Does the presence of my daughter bother you when you come around?”

“Oh no, not at all. Why would that bother me? I’m fine.”

“Well, I’m asking this question because when you’re here it’s all about me. You don’t engage with her and don’t do anything with her.”

“Well, It’s because I don’t do well with kids. I’d rather let them be than to start something I can’t finish.”

“You don’t like kids?”

“I do but not in the sense of playing with them or engaging with them. I don’t do well with them.”

I didn’t understand the “I don’t do well with them” part of the conversation. I wanted to be sure of what he was really saying so I didn’t rest the conversation. Another day, I brought it up again nicely and this time he asked me, “Must I have a relationship with your daughter before you accept that I have nothing against her?” That question caught me off guard. I didn’t know what to say. I later settled for, “Not really, but I want to be sure that you’re ok with her.” He said, ‘I’m ok with her. I’m in a relationship with you when I know you have a daughter. That means I’m good but I’m not the kind that goes around playing with kids and nursing relationships with them. You take very good care of her and that’s all that matters. I might not be involved with her but it doesn’t mean anything.”

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It means everything to me to see the man in my life playing and engaging my daughter. That way, it clears away all the doubt in my mind when it comes to how I think about him and my daughter. This man is very serious about me. He provides the support I need, both physical and emotional. He’s always there when I need him to be. He has hinted at marriage. He wants us to get married next year. I’ve told him I’m all for it. But currently, what’s becoming a problem for me is his lack of relationship with my daughter. My daughter disappears from view whenever he’s around. Even when I call her to come for something, it takes a while before she comes around. Just imaging marrying such a man. Does that mean my daughter is going to be relegated to the background every day? What if I’m not around and I have to leave her in his care? How are they going to survive?

This is my worry. Do I go ahead and give him a chance at marriage hoping he’ll change towards her in the future? Or I should choose my daughter’s happiness over him? 

I’m a woman in her prime. I need a man to make it all round for me. I need companionship and someone I can sleep next to and feel comfortable. Currently, this man provides all that and more. I will love to be married because marriage makes a home but what’s a home when my daughter can’t feel involved? That’s my dilemma now.