When I found out I was pregnant, I was a bit nervous and worried about how much was going to change for me. There was no question about what I was going to do with the baby. I was keeping it. Amidst my concerns, I comforted myself in the knowledge that I wouldn’t be alone through the journey. After all, I didn’t conceive the baby all by myself. I have a partner I can count on. “He will take care of me,” I thought. I mean, was it too much of a stretch to think that the man who put the baby inside me would protect and provide for us?
I envisioned a lot of ways he would react to the news. “What? You are pregnant?” Then I would shake my head. “No, that sounds like we were struggling to conceive and it finally happened. Too much excitement. He won’t react that way,” I thought as I played out another scenario in my head of how he would react to the news. In all the scenes that I conjured, in none of them did he say, “It’s not mine. I have nothing to do with this pregnancy. Go and look for the father of your child wherever you met him.” That was my reality.
It was the highest form of betrayal I had ever heard. To spit on our love and all the moments we shared by denying the fruit of those moments, was such an inhumane thing to do. I had to carry the embarrassment of not having a man show up to claim the pregnancy. I had to bear the cost of pregnancy care without his assistance. No emotional support from him. He was completely absent. A distant ghost watching me from the shadows.
A year after he abandoned us he returned. He said he was sorry for being a deadbeat dad. “I want the chance to right my wrongs. Please allow me to be part of my baby’s life,” he begged. We spoke about things. His responsibility as a father was not left out. He said he would send us five hundred shillings every month for child support. I agreed but when the month ends, I would have to ask first before he would send it. If I didn’t ask in a particular month, he wouldn’t send the money. When I also got tired of always having to ask, I stopped.
Our daughter is now two years old. I have been raising her as a single mother since I had her. Ever since my baby daddy crawled out of the shadows, he has been around. He wants us to become a family. He has sung hymns and written poetry to try to sway me to see things his way but the wound of his betrayal run deep inside my soul. I cannot think about him in a romantic light without feeling my heart ache in memory of the last time I trusted him.
I have told him time after time again that we will not happen. “I know people deserve forgiveness but how can we ever come back from what you did? You denied our child. You disrespected me. Shamed me. I have forgiven you but that’s just it. I can’t go any further than that.” He hears me but refuses to accept it.
He is always giving me reasons we should get back together. The one he keeps repeating is for our child to be raised in a traditional family setting with both parents. Not only does he want me to take him back but he wants me to quit my job, pack out of my house, and move in with him. What kind of life would that be? What kind of example would I be setting for my little girl? I don’t know where this guy got the boldness to ask me to upend my life for him after he had abandoned me in the past. But I applaud him for having it in the first place.
Of course, I don’t intend to do anything of the sort with him. My concern, however, is my daughter. Will I be denying her the chance to grow up in the love of a family? I want to make sure that I am leaving no stone of doubt unturned in this decision that I am making. That’s why I need all the advice I can get.
Agnes
Your daughter can still grow up having her father in her life despite not growing up in a traditional home. Many people are doing it and it has turned out just fine. My dear don’t listen to the honey laced hymns he is singing. You suffering inorder to get her monthly chop money from him is a huge sign that you should not up your life for him. The moment you do it then you have signed a warranty if hunger, bitterness, dependency. He will maltreat you . The hands that feed you can also starve you. Your independence is your Greatest power apart from prayer. He is a shameless man. I don’t think he is coming to do anything better than to trap you and later maltreat you. Run my sister.
My dear Agnes your daughter can grow up in love without you having to quit your job and moving in with him,you’ll be miserable if you quit your job,I applaud you for standing your ground, he thinks he can use your daughter as an excuse, afterall you’re already doing an excellent job by taking care of your daughter alone, he should keep on dreaming of you quitting your job,in his dreams will you quit your job,my dear am so proud of you
My dear there’s a a saying in a local language in Ghana Which says if you don’t know death look at how deep sleep looks like. Another one also says that if a game will be enjoyable it starts from morning. He’s the same person who denied the pregnancy from day one , he’s the same person and will always be the same the same person. You mentioned if you don’t call him to give you money he will not send it on his own accord. If he’s genuinely repented of his sins he would not be this towards you. Please you will be better off on your own than being with him. Remember the very day you move in with him is the very day you spelt your doom. You will come face to face with death with this man and I don’t think you will emerge victorious as some people did because you carried your own self to the slaughter house. Please forget ahead on your own and you will never regret it. Surrender to him and you might commit suicide out of maltreatment from him. A word to the wise………………
Things are this way when you are yet unmarried. In marriage, they will become bigger and worse.
Your child can enjoy her father and mother separately.
You deserve peace and some sanity.