I found him broken but not into many pieces. He was broken at his seams and he looked like something that could be fixed with the right amount of care and love. His first marriage had broken up two years ago and he wasn’t the same man again. Anytime we had a conversation and his marriage came up, he became a different person. His eyes lost their shine and he began grinding his teeth.

He was a lot of work, I knew it but I was ready to make him believe again. To make him love again because love was still worth it no matter what. When he proposed I told him I was ready to say yes but not until he promised me one thing. That he would not make me pay for what his ex-wife did to him. That he would see me as a new beginning, a clean slate where a new story could begin. He nodded. I told him, “Let’s see where it goes.”

He’s provider, James. He would visit me with something in his hands and say, “This is for you.” Mostly, he listened to me carefully to understand my need so he would provide them when I least expected it. I loved that about him so I learned. I sent gifts too. I sent what I sensed he needed. I became a lightning bug. I could shine my own light because I’d learned the importance of light from a bigger source.

We had our moments of misunderstanding. When we fought, he tried to align the reason for our fight with what happened in the past between him and his ex-wife. He would say something like, “That’s what happened when I was with Rebecca. It looks like that’s how women are.”

It didn’t happen once or twice. Each time when we fought, he aligned our reasons to the reasons why his marriage didn’t work with Rebecca. One day I told him, “It looks like you still love Rebecca. If not, then I don’t know why you’re still carrying her around. That woman left you two long years before we met. Why is she constantly living within our struggles?”

He didn’t talk. I was right. It marked a turning point in our relationship. He even apologized for making me feel this way. I forgave him easily just like I always did.

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We both came to the relationship with disabilities. I knew how to manage mine very well. He was learning. I’d been in a five-year relationship that didn’t go anywhere. I gave my all and hawked the guy around as the best thing that ever happened to me. He left me and married a girl from abroad a year later. It left a huge dent in my mind that men were not worth it. I gave up that thought at some point and decided to try again with James.

A year later he proposed marriage. I accepted.

We had come too far not to solidify what we had gained. I told my parents about it. They met him officially to discuss the way forward. I met his parents too. I met the whole family and they were happy for him. For not giving up on love. For trying again after his first marriage. The road was cleared for us to begin our journey into marriage, except the two of us can’t agree on how we want the wedding to be like.

I’m a woman. I planned my wedding long ago when I was too young to know what love was. I wanted to be in a white flowing gown with someone holding the tail of the gown. I saw my arms in my father’s arms while walking down the aisle to be handed over to my husband. Every wedding I’ve ever attended was like that. Friends were there. All of them were invited. I love the cheer. I love the throwing of bouquets. I wanted to do it too. Every wedding I’ve ever attended caused me to dream of my own. So I would pick a piece here and there and tell myself, “When the time comes, I’ll add this piece to my wedding.”

I have a man. Marriage is on the line. I have a wedding to plan except that this man right here doesn’t want to have a wedding. He has something small in mind. We would do the traditional marriage and later go to court and sign to make it legal. I was like, “Why? Why are you getting married to me like you’re not proud of me? No, I don’t want that. Is it about money? I believe we can raise it. What’s the point?”

He told me he had had a wedding not too many years ago and it would be unfair to invite his friends to another wedding. To him, his friends will question his commitment and ask if he knows what he wants. He wants to marry quietly and peacefully without involving so many people.

Again, his ex-wife has become the reason I can’t have my dream wedding. He gave her a befitting wedding but I can’t have the same because he had already given that to a woman who’s no longer in his life. I said no. I told him that wasn’t enough reason to deny me a dream. I’m not ashamed to marry a man who had married before so why is he ashamed of doing for me what he did for his ex-wife?

We’ve been on this for one month. He wants me to understand him. I want him to understand me. He said what’s important is the marriage itself and not the wedding. I asked him why then did he do it for his ex. He said he didn’t know then what he knows now. I told him, “Let me experience a wedding so I can come to that conclusion on my own, whether it’s important or not. I don’t want to be told. Marriage is important. What’s important starts from somewhere important.”

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I don’t know why he’s thinking of the past to deny me what’s due me. We can have a wedding.  His friends will come. He won’t be the only one in this world to have two weddings in his lifetime. Others have done it. They didn’t die. They didn’t have a bad marriage because of it. I want to know if I’m being too hard on him. Don’t get me wrong. Any other reason would have been considered but this reason not to have a wedding makes me feel cheated. Am I wrong? Am I asking for too much?

–Anowa

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