I married at twenty-six out of frustration. I had no guidance. Maybe it was because I thought no one’s opinion mattered. so I never sought any when I made my decision to get married.
I remember some family members who did not support the marriage. They said I was too young and freshly out of school. “This is not the time you should be getting married,” they cautioned, “You should rather focus on getting a job and building your career.” They voiced their disapproval but the choice was mine to make.
I am the only one who knew what I was going through, considering that I had no father figure in my life. Mum was also very far from me. The only adult supervision I had was a guardian who could not do much to help my needs.
I must say, I had a benevolent cousin who took me through school. However, she made it clear that I was on my own after school. Getting a job was not easy. While I was on the job search, I met several guys who took interest in me for marriage. Among them, one of them connected with me in a way the others didn’t. So I chose him.
We got married against the wishes of some of my relatives. The problem with all their displeasure was that they never drew me close to them. So when they had concerns about my marriage, they couldn’t tell me. They rather resorted to gossip. It was through the gossip vine that I heard about their reservations.
Maybe if they had called to express their concerns, I would have taken my time. I must say that I was naive and so foolish that I did not pay attention to the red flags in the relationship.
We dated distantly for a year. Then we got married the next year. I got to know the real person I married two weeks into the marriage.
My husband is a chronic cheat. He had girlfriends I never knew about. Even after marriage, he was still in touch with all of them.
I married as a virgin. He was the man who broke my virginity. You can imagine the hurt and pain I experienced when I realized he wasn’t worth it. I found out he was seeing a lady in the house we were living in. There were times he asked her to cook for him. Yes, it was that serious between them.
I was so hurt that I confronted him. That day was the worst day of my life. “How dare you accuse me of doing something I haven’t done?” He yelled. Before I could respond, he slapped me.
The physical abuse did not stop there. Any misunderstanding we have, he is ready to hit me. I also resorted to insults. It was my only defence mechanism. Now, we have been married for two years without a child. I had a miscarriage and since then I have not been able to conceive.
I discussed my fears with him and suggested that we go for a checkup and possible treatment.
He agreed to the suggestion but he never showed interest in going anywhere with me. I got tired of waiting around for him so one day I gathered the courage and went to see the gynaecologist. After a series of tests, I was diagnosed with PCOS. I was given some drugs and was asked to let my husband come for a check-up up too.
This man refused to go to the hospital till now. He has refused to go so I have been the one taking drugs on our behalf. But nothing is happening.
Before marriage, I was not working. He promised to link me to his friends for a job offer but it was all empty promises. I got tired of staying at home. “If not for anything, I graduated with a first class so I can’t stay home and let a man treat me anyhow,” I encouraged myself. I started searching for a job and God being so good, I got an incredible offer from a good company.
I thought my unemployment was the problem in our marriage but now I know it is not. It looks like my husband is just a bully. He is very temperamental; he gets angry over minor things. Aside from that, he cheats on me in any way he wants. He does not value the union we share. He can go a whole week without talking to me and weeks without touching me.
Although I am working and earning my own money, I am not happy with the fact that my husband has refused to go for a checkup with me. He makes it look like I am the one with the problem. And it’s draining me.
I have sat him down to talk to him and reason with him to see the need for a checkup. “I just want us to work on our marriage,” I said. He listened but he is not interested. I feel like he married me for certain reasons and not because he loves me or wants a life partner to do life with.
Also, the fact that we are not able to conceive and he is unbothered by it is questionable. Why would he rather choose to spend time and money on his side chicks?
Sure, he takes care of our financial needs but that’s not enough. He should let go of his girls. He does not see anything wrong with cheating, that’s my problem with him. Sometimes when we are not on good terms, he would come back from work, bathe, and go out. Then within an hour, he would come back and bathe again before sleeping.
All these point to the fact that he has been sleeping with these ladies. There are also chats I have seen on his phone to prove this point.
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I have asked that we move from the house but he has refused. He keeps sending money to these ladies in the house and I can’t do anything about it.
This lady my husband is seeing in our house insulted me and called me senseless all because I went to burn rubbish and the smoke travelled up to her door.
He Says He Can’t Date Me Because I’m Too Beautiful
When my husband got home I complained about her behavior to him. That was the day I realised I had no backing in that house. My husband asked me, “Why did you burn the rubbish? Haven’t I warned you to stop burning rubbish?” He made it look like the girl was right for insulting me.
I am so pained. I am twenty-eight but I feel after divorce, it will be difficult for me to get another man because of the tag of being a divorcee. I can’t report him to his mum because I cannot speak their language. And his mum does not speak any language apart from her mother tongue. I am also afraid of the rest of his family because he is their breadwinner. They will definitely take his side so what’s the point?
My mum is ready to support me to leave but I am afraid of what society will say. What do I do?
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—Abla
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It’s not about what people think, it’s about your happiness! However, I hesitate to arrive at your conclusion that because your husband bathes, goes out and bathes again, he is cheating. Or that because your neighbor cooks for him, he is having an affair with her. It’s time for some introspection. Do you make your home welcoming and fun? Do you feel entitled because you married a virgin? Marriage is work and sacrifice and you must put in the hours if you want it to be successful. Why? If your husband has already warned you against burning rubbish to the neighbor’s discomfort, how can he side with you if your actions attract insults. While physical abuse cannot in any way be justified, neither can your defence mechanism of insults. You need a fresh start and on a clean slate. Call your husband to the table for a fresh start. Try to love unconditionally and let go of all your insecurities. You will find the happiness you so crave for!
My sister, don’t think of what the society will think about but rather think about yourself, your happiness. Do you know our age but we have run for our lives, my dear do what will bring you inner peace. I have been in your situation before but I took a bold decision and am happy now. It won’t be easy but with prayers you can stand firm
Society will always choose itself over us so y don’t we do same.
You didn’t care about what society will think when you decided to get married so why now. Admit it that you still love your husband so you buying time to see if he will change and there’s nothing wrong with that, after all he’s your husband.
Marriage is not for the faint hearted ooo, all your complains are about your husband cheating. It’s no news in most marriages and you should know that by now. Else we wouldn’t have sidechics but they continue to be sidechics because the wives handle the issue maturely.
Change the way you are handling the cheating issues, ie if you still want the marriage. Else muster the courage and get a divorce and please leave society out of this we are minding our businesses.
You are 28, with a good job, and still very young. It is a blessing that your husband is not interested in you having kids. He cheats on you and he is violent. He does not even protect you from his sidechicks. Surely, what other sign do you want to quit this sham of a marriage? Please quit this marriage now and never lookback. A good husband is waiting for you out there. Even now, try and entertain other men (do not cheat). Respond to those DMs, go out with friends, go for dates! You will see easy it is to get back to dating. Secondly, why would you want a child with someone who is not even interested? A child deserves a family whether both parents are loving and caring for each other.
Abla,
Your story is one of strength, resilience, and the struggle to find your voice in the face of adversity. As you stand at this challenging juncture, there are a multitude of paths you could take. Here’s a creative response that may provide you with a glimmer of hope:
In the depths of despair, Abla, you’re not alone. Many women have navigated similar tumultuous waters, and their stories have often been woven with threads of courage, determination, and self-discovery. You, too, have a choice to make, one that holds the power to shape your future.
First and foremost, it’s essential to acknowledge that you deserve happiness, respect, and love, just like anyone else. While the fear of divorce and societal judgment can be daunting, it’s crucial to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health. Your worth is not determined by your marital status or the opinions of others.
Consider reaching out to support networks and organizations that can provide you with guidance, understanding, and legal assistance. There are countless people and resources dedicated to helping women in your situation. Your mother’s readiness to support you is a testament to the fact that you are not alone in this journey.
Now, let’s explore a creative twist. Imagine that, as you start seeking support and contemplating your future, you stumble upon an old diary or a letter from your younger self. In it, you discover the dreams, aspirations, and strength you had as a young woman. Reading your own words, you realize that the person you were back then never intended to endure the pain and suffering you’ve faced in this marriage.
This rediscovery of your own voice and dreams becomes the catalyst for change. You decide to follow your heart and embrace the opportunity for a fresh start, just as the resilient protagonist of your own life story. In doing so, you not only break free from an unhealthy relationship but also inspire others who may be trapped in similar circumstances.
Your journey becomes a beacon of hope for women who, like you, might have been silenced by fear and societal expectations. As you walk away from the darkness and into the light of your own truth, you become a symbol of empowerment and courage. Your story evolves into one of resilience, self-discovery, and the unwavering pursuit of happiness.
Remember, Abla, your path may be difficult, but you have the strength within you to rise above the challenges and create a brighter future for yourself. In doing so, you’ll show the world that it’s never too late to reclaim your own narrative and find the love and respect you deserve.
I am always here!
-Atieno-
1. it is obvious you don’t know each other well well before marriage other than that you would have seen this red flags.
2. Your husband is tired of you but can’t tell you hence he is putting up this behaviors for you to leave on your own..
Madam society or your health which is important? Or u want to stay in this abusive marriage and die so that society will come and bury you right. At 28yrs u are still young and this is the prime age for marriage so I advice you do what your heart tells. Put this phrase in your mind; If at first you don’t succeed try again.
please also try and bond with your family people it will help you a lot future. Because now your husband is taking advantage of this because he knows your background
I always say this Aids is still real and still kills even though it’s manageable. 28 and you are thinking about what society will say 🤨. I’m short of words for you but I pray sense locate you soon. Boi
To be honest, having your peace of mind matters the most. Leave in the moment and make the out of it, let the future handle itself. Don’t let societal norms keep you from living your life. I will advise you let go of that marriage cuz he’s a physical abusers and chronic cheat… I think you deserve better.
There’s nothing you can do about it since you’re thinking about what society is going to say. Society is already talking, there are people in the house you are living in who are talking and asking themselves what is wrong with you? When he harms you severely it will be too late. You have support in your mom so why are you still hanging around? His cheating is the ground for you to leave. At twenty-eight you will find yourself another man who will love you. Action speaks louder than words. Are you going to stick around for him to tell you that he does not want you anymore? LEAVE.