I grew up in a devout Christian household. My parents made sure they raised us on Biblical principles and doctrines. I learned to love God and honour him. That is why I was determined to live a pure life. In my deeds and words, I did my best to reflect the teachings instilled in me by my family and spiritual leaders. Even when I grew up and started dating, I kept myself chaste. Some men even left me because I wouldn’t put out. It didn’t matter to me as long as I knew my virtue was intact.

Now, I am not here to sit on a religious high horse and portray myself as holier than thou, far from it. I struggled with my faith as much as any Christian has. There was a time when something happened in my church that I did not agree with. When I spoke up about it, it was not received well. My pastor alongside a lot of my friends pointed fingers at me and called me all sorts of names.

I felt cast out from the flock. The incident left me depressed. The church was my family, but I withdrew myself from them. To fill the void of their absence in my life, I opened up myself to getting to know people who were not particularly religious. That was the time Bismark came into my life. He was so humble, gentle, and understanding. I had never met someone like him before. Even my Christian friends didn’t have his kind of meekness.

He didn’t propose love to me immediately but the signs were there. I knew he was just gearing up for it. When I discussed him with my friends, they encouraged me to give him a chance. When I mentioned him to my parents, they did not approve.

My parents’ reservations aside, I didn’t have any romantic interest in him. However, I was intrigued by how unique he was. That’s why when he finally came forward with his intentions, I couldn’t say yes immediately. And neither did I say no. I only asked him to give me a few days to think about it. When I was finally ready, I confessed; “You are a good guy but I don’t have any amorous feelings for you. I am sorry.” He said he didn’t mind. He was convinced that I would grow to love him eventually. I also believed I could.

He became my everything. He did everything to make me happy. One hot afternoon, he came to visit me. We got touchy, and before I knew it, I was getting intimate with him. This is something I had never done. We went all the way. I thought by doing it, I would develop feelings for him but I didn’t. The whole experience was confusing for me so I didn’t allow it to happen again.

We were together for two years. The entire time I was trying to nurture my love for him but it wasn’t working. He was aware that my feelings hadn’t changed but didn’t care. “I love you enough for both of us,” he would say. I tried to stay with him but it just didn’t feel right. At some point, I had a lot of visions indicating that I should end things with him. My parents also continued to warn me to stay away from him. My pastor also added his voice.

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I thought our entire relationship. Although this guy was too good to be true, my love for him was not true. He did whatever I wanted but I couldn’t give him what he wanted, my heart. I didn’t want to hurt him but I had to let him go eventually. He deserved to be with someone who would truly love him just as I deserved to be with someone I could love. When I broke up with him, he cried and begged me to reconsider my decision. It was hard but I moved on and encouraged him to also do the same.

Now this is the problem. I have met Samuel, a guy I have admired for years. Finally, he has noticed me and wants us to study each other and date. He knows me quite well, that I am principled and highly committed to the instructions of God. He knew I was going out, but he doesn’t know I had intimacy with Bismark.

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Recently, we were having a conversation when he said, “As for me, I have kept myself for twenty-nine years. So I want to be with someone who has kept herself too.” I asked him why, and he said, “I haven’t spoilt anyone’s own so I don’t want someone who has been spoilt.” I am confused now. I am wondering if I should just cut him off, or confess to him that I am no longer a virgin. Or maybe, I should just leave him to find out in the future.

I know my vulnerability got me into bed with Bismark, but I am not a bad girl. I didn’t plan to do it but it has happened. After that one time, it hasn’t happened again and I don’t intend to do it with anyone else until marriage. Will he understand this? I have been praying about what to do now.

I love Samuel very much. Although he is not my first, he can be my forever. Should I tell him the truth?

— Ewura

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