When I was young, my dream was to find a job as soon as I completed university, fall in love with the man of my dreams, marry at twenty-five and start giving birth at twenty-six. I wanted to grow with my kids. I wanted to be that mom who looked like a sister to her kids.
Dreams usually don’t happen or they happen in bits and pieces and scatter on the floor. I found a job early but finding love became very hard. The men I met along the way had their own dreams they were pursuing and those dreams didn’t align with mine. Eric wanted to gain everything in this world before he thinks about marriage. We dated for a year. The signals weren’t clear and he didn’t seem focused enough so we broke up.
I met Johnson when I was twenty-six. He ticked the boxes and looked like a man who would settle down if he found the right woman. I was determined to be that woman. I went to the moon and back for him. He said, “Jump!” And I asked how high. One evening, I asked about our direction as a couple. He said, “What do you mean? Are we doing something wrong?”
I explained, “No we are not doing anything wrong but whatever we are doing should have a future. I’m asking about the kind of future we have as two people in love. Are we getting married? If yes, then when?”
I don’t think I said anything wrong here but the fact that I mentioned marriage, he said I was putting pressure on him. How does a question become pressure when you’ve asked it only once? One day he told me, “If you plan to marry soon, then find another man. Yes, I will marry but I’m taking my time. I’m looking up to God and see what he’ll bring my way. I won’t let anyone pressure me into marriage.”
From here, every mistake I committed was linked to the fact that it was the marriage I was looking for. When I sneeze, “It’s too loud. Is it because you want marriage? Don’t put pressure on me ooo.” When I’m quiet, it’s because I’m thinking about marriage. I got tired and decided to leave.
I was in his life but he didn’t see me as the one God brought his way. It was clear he wanted to leave or didn’t have the intention to marry me. Some men are like that. They love you enough as a girlfriend but can’t think of you as a wife. No matter how long you stay with them when the right time comes, they’ll marry who they think is marriage material.
I went off the dating radar for over a year. The target was to assess myself very well and make the right choices in my next attempt. I talked to men. I asked questions. Those who proposed to me in that period, I asked them their goals and dreams. Two people caught my eye. I couldn’t say yes to both of them so I said yes to the one who consistently pursued me even when I’d said no to him.
He’s a good Christian and his name is Christian. Our first date was in his church and our second date was in mine. He came to my elder brother’s child’s christening so I introduced him to the family. He hadn’t proposed to me then so I introduced him as a friend. My mom liked him. My dad called him a good person because of his calm demeanour. We were friends for several months before he finally proposed. I didn’t stress him. He was the one I was waiting for so I said yes and jumped into the relation-ship.
Two years later, on my thirtieth birthday, I asked about marriage. He told me, “Next year by this time, we would be married. God has already paved the way.”
I was excited. I told my mom about it because she started asking questions. When my dad asked about grandchildren, I told him, “Next year when I get married, the next thing would be bringing babies home to you.”
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A year came to pass silently without a sign of marriage. I didn’t want to sound desperate so I didn’t ask any questions. Our relationship is currently four years old but no sign of marriage. Christian is a good man. He hardly puts a foot wrong. He talks about God with passion and his job with commitment in his eyes. When he talks about us, you see love in his eyes. It makes me wonder why he’s taking so long or developing cold feet when it comes to marriage.
Because I didn’t want to talk about it and sound desperate, I decided to withdraw all the wifey roles I was playing in his life. I used to go to his house on weekends to cook for him. If I’m not able to go to his house, I would prepare the meals in my house and send them to him, sometimes with my own money. I’ve stopped. I did his laundry sometimes when I spent the weekend in his house. I’ve stopped. I cleaned after him. I put his room in order anytime I was there. I’ve stopped. I’ve stopped spending nights there and when he called that he missed me and wanted to see me, I gave him excuses.
It’s a change that was supposed to draw his attention to something. That I’m not going to give wifey vibes when indeed I’m just a girlfriend. Girlfriend energy should be given to girlfriend position but once we are married, I will bring wifey energy to the table.
It took him long to realize it but when he finally did he said, “You want to be married but see what you are doing. You’ve changed for the worse. Who will marry a woman who refuses to help?”
“You already know what I can do,” I told him. “Because I’ve done it before. For four years, I’ve been nothing but a wife who has a girlfriend title. I don’t want to push things or force you to do what you don’t want to do. When you’re ready to marry me, I will be here for you. Once we are married, you’ll see. All that will change and you’ll be proud to call me your wife.”
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The relationship now has become a game we play. He’s trying to act like I-don’t-care and I’m here doing my best to show him I can match his energy but deep down I’m worried. What if this game succeeds in breaking us apart? What if it’s not a game for him but I’m seeing it as a game? I think about it and I get scared.
It’s been four years together. Do I have to let all that go because I stopped doing what I used to do? I’ve had conversations with trusted friends about the issue. They all seem to suggest that I don’t have to audition for marriage and that if a man knows your worth, you don’t have to prove it for four years.
It makes sense to me and I want to keep going with this but how do I ensure that I don’t become the loser in the end?
Those things I used to do for him make me who I am. I did them for him because I loved doing them for myself. I was not using it as a trump card to get him to marry me, no. I live in a house where there’s food all the time so I love to cook. I can’t survive in a messy environment so I did that for him. In the end, I did them for myself because I loved to do them. Is he seeing those things I did as my way of forcing him to marry me?
Did Marriages Last Longer In The Past Than Today?
I wish he would open up and have this conversation with me so I can ask the necessary questions but currently, it looks like he’s keeping everything to his chest while looking at the card I will play next. We are at a poker table. No one wants to give clues. I’m frustrated and want an end to this game. Where should I go from here?
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—Theresa
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I understand your situation, 4 years, you are worth than that madam. Let him go and focus on yourself. He is even hindering your future husband from you. Your friends are right too
I second that.
I third that
Saaa p3p33p3 👍
Theresa, your story is a reflection of the complexities and challenges that can arise in romantic relationships. It’s evident that you have a strong desire for marriage, and you’ve made considerable efforts in your relationships. Your romantic escapade reads like a suspenseful thriller with a dash of rom-com charm. Your quest for wedded bliss seems to have taken you through a rollercoaster of wifey duties, mysteries, and a rather intriguing poker game with Christian. 🃏
Communication is Key: In any good rom-com, the hero and heroine eventually have “the talk.” Instead of playing poker, let’s try a round of “Truth or Marriage.” Share your hopes, dreams, and even your secret pancake recipe. You’ll be amazed at how honest conversations can lead to heartwarming conclusions.
Mutual Understanding: Maybe Christian’s just like that character in a rom-com who’s secretly scared of commitment. You could be the key to unlocking his heart, but you need to decipher the love code first. Is he keeping a “Fear of Marriage” journal somewhere? 📚
Timing Matters: Love often operates on its unique timeline, like the plot of a good novel. Sometimes it’s page one, and sometimes it’s the epic finale. Be patient, and you might just find your “happily ever after” in Chapter Next.
Reevaluate Your Actions: Let’s step out of the rom-com cliché. Instead of guessing, why not have a heartfelt discussion with Christian? You don’t want to end up in a slapstick comedy, so ensure your actions are sincere.
Personal Growth: In the grand show of life, you are the star! Keep doing the things you love, not as a plot twist but because they make you shine. Confidence and self-assuredness are incredibly attractive, just like a rom-com heroine.
Seek Guidance: Consider a cameo appearance by a relationship counselor. They’re like the wise sage character who helps the hero and heroine realize they were meant for each other all along.
Have a Timeline Discussion: Let’s add a touch of romance to this one. How about a candlelit dinner with a side of “When Will We Wed?” At least it’ll be a delicious conversation, even if it doesn’t end with dessert.
Remember, your love story is unique, and while it might have its quirks, it’s a story worth telling. Who knows, maybe someday Hollywood will turn it into a blockbuster rom-com! 🍿. Remember that each relationship is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Ultimately, your goal should be to build a loving and fulfilling partnership. Whether or not that leads to marriage, the most important thing is that both you and Christian are happy and content in your relationship. Trust your instincts and follow your heart, and hopefully, you’ll find the answers you seek.
-Atieno-
Theresa, am very much tempted to support you on this, But after reading the comment before mine, i do understand indeed our stories are different, Every one has a unique story to tell. You meet an old couple telling you they had been married for 60 years and turn to wonder if they had it easy, But no. They would tell you some of the situations that shook their foundation to the roots.
I honestly have an understanding that you are not to show wife duties when you are a girlfriend. But as you said, you do that because you love doing such things. If you love this man then dont give up on him. Take your attention from your feelings of not being married to how he feels about marriage with you. Ask him why he didnt keep his word. Ask him why its taking so much time. If its not promising, walk away. Dont be scared. You might actually be delaying yourself by sticking with a man that is seeing you as a girlfriend.
Hmmm… I will tell you not to listen to your friends because they can only imagine how you’re feeling but can ever feel it the way you’re feeling.
How sure are you and your friends that you’re even going to find a better man than him out there?
You may succeed in getting a man who will marry you soon but you will end up not happy because you will be looking for him in that man and that is where you will realize your approach to the problem was wrong but the price will be too huge to pay.
You’re a woman, use a softer means to make him do what you want him to do for you
4 years is not a joke to just throw away
After all , you were doing all what you were doing for yourself and not necessarily for him
so why stop?
Don’t be fooled by society
There are too many bitter women out there because they took the advice your friends are offering you.
USE LOVE TO GET HIM TO SATISFY YOU.
Peace!