My mother was not my father’s first wife. I am my mother’s only child but not my father’s. He had two different families before my mother came into the children. His first wife passed away. They had kids before her untimely demise. I am not sure how long he grieved before he married his second wife. I don’t know what happened before their marriage fell apart. They had children too.
All those children were older than me so I had no idea that their mother wasn’t the same person as my mum. I believed we were all one happy family. That’s because of the way my mother took care of them. There are a lot of negative stereotypes surrounding stepmothers. Honestly, I never saw my mother display any of these traits.
She treated all of us equally. We all did chores and we all received punishment if we didn’t do our chores. We got praised if we behaved properly and we were given treats and gifts if we were good. No one was left out of anything.
I had an amazing childhood because of this. I was loved and doted on by my older siblings. Our home was always peaceful. Some of my friends shared stories of their parents fighting. I couldn’t relate to that experience. I barely heard my parents disagree with each other. My father ordered and my mother obeyed. Back then, I didn’t truly understand the dynamics of their marriage, or even marriage itself.
One day, my father’s ex-wife who lived outside the country came to visit. It was then they explained to me that I was my mother’s only child. “You didn’t know about it because sometimes I even forget that I am not their biological mother. You are all my children regardless of the fact that I didn’t birth all of you.” She explained that she started taking care of the youngest one among them when she was four years old. The others were older but they were still very young. She kept trying for a few years before she finally had me.
I noticed that after the mother of my other siblings visited and left, they changed toward me. They started treating me as if I wasn’t one of them. They would hide and whisper among themselves whenever I was around. I couldn’t do anything about their behavior so I stayed out of their way. That’s how the sibling bond we shared became fractured.
We still talked and related as a family but that closeness was no longer there. It was as if everyone was guarded against the others. We grew up that way.
Currently, all four of my siblings are married and moved out of the house. I am the only unmarried one. I wish I could also move out and have my independence but I don’t want to leave my mum alone at home with my father.
Now that I am older, I have realized that my mother has been in an abusive marriage all this while. The peace and quiet we seemed to enjoy was because she didn’t have a voice of her own. She was suffering but she couldn’t talk. I was a child so I thought their marriage was perfect.
After my siblings left home, they cut off my mum from their lives. They are all well established in life but they can’t spare airtime to call my mum to say hello. Even on Mother’s Days, she doesn’t get a single “Happy Mother’s Day” from them. This is something that causes my mum a lot of pain. She cries every time she thinks about it. The only parent these people acknowledge is my father. They treat him as if he raised them as a single parent.
Of course, our father never complained about their attitude. He never advised them to give my mum her due. It was when I tried to talk to him about this issue that I learned the dynamics of their marriage. He never saw her as a wife. He only saw her as a nanny for his kids.
I’m still struggling to find my feet in life but I work. Every little opportunity my dad gets, he asks me; “Where is your husband? Why are you still in your father’s house at your age?” Now he doesn’t even hide his disrespect for my mother. He talks to her as if she is his child. It saddens my heart to see this.
I Didn’t Tell Anybody Because I Enjoyed It
Leaving is not an option for her. She wasn’t raised that way. Besides, she has always been a housewife. She doesn’t know what else to do with her life. There is also the issue of money. I can’t afford to take care of the two of us just yet. If not, I would have convinced her to move with me. So we are stuck here. “This is the biggest regret of my life,” she told me, “that I lived my whole life for a man and didn’t work a single day for myself.” She tells me she wouldn’t have gotten through all of this if she didn’t have me.
I am not just saying this because she is my mum but she is a good person. She doesn’t deserve the disrespect my father and his children are showing her. Every time I think about it, I become more convinced that I will never get involved with a man who has kids I would have to raise. The last thing is to put in all the work only to be treated like a nanny instead of a wife and a mother.
—Tricia
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