It was a friend’s call that woke me up that early morning. Cee, a friend who always had something to say. She told me, “I have a man for you.  He’s your specs. Are you available?”

I’d been single since I had a child four years ago. My baby’s daddy didn’t want a child. I disobeyed him and had a child for him. In the end, he left me and the child and went to live his life elsewhere. My child was two years old when my elder sister died. She left behind a six-year-old girl who didn’t have anywhere to go. My sister didn’t have a husband. My mom who would have been the natural mother to the child also died two years before my sister. I was the only family the girl could live with so I adopted her.

I asked Cee, “Does he know I have kids? Have you told him I have two children?” She responded, “He doesn’t mind. Actually, he has three kids himself, a divorcee who wants to begin life again with a mature woman.”

I asked her to give my number to the man and she did. A few days later, I had a call. This calm voice greeted me and introduced himself to me as Jo, short for Jonathan. When he told me he got my number from Cee, I knew who he was. We had an introductory conversation for over fifteen minutes. We agreed to meet when it was convenient.

When we met, I was surprised to see the person behind that calm voice. I anticipated a little man who had been beaten by life and love and was looking for refuge. Instead, I met this tall and vibrant man who looked like he had been at war and won without breaking a sweat.

We had a lengthy conversation where he told me why his marriage failed and why he wanted to begin loving another woman after three years of divorce. He asked me, “Did Cee tell you everything? That I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t want children?”

Cee didn’t mention that but I was ready to listen to his reasons. He said he already had three children and at his age, he didn’t want children to distract his love life. He was looking for a woman who already had kids and was willing to do life with him without thinking about having more children.

I liked him. Not having kids again wasn’t a problem for me because I already had two. I gave him the green light and we picked it up from there.

We’ve been dating for a year. It’s been a lot of bliss and little patches of problems here and there. We disagreed on certain issues but in the end, we compromised. When I introduced him to my parents, he wanted me to tell them we didn’t expect to have children. When I didn’t do that, it turned into a fight.

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In the end, we landed at a place where it was safe for both of us. I explained why my parents didn’t have to know. He said he didn’t side with me on that but would believe me to do the right thing when the time comes.

I met his kids and they misbehaved towards me. It hurt my heart at first but when it happened the third time and Jo pounced on them, I was the same person who asked him to ignore them. He screamed, “It’s their mother who’s feeding them with venom. I need to correct them before it gets late.”

When we talked about marriage, it was obvious we were not going to live with them so I was OK. They were free to visit and stay for a while but they were not going to be carried along as we journey through our love life. The first was fifteen years, the second was thirteen and the last was ten. They loved their mother and were ready to fight for her place. I didn’t allow that to worry me. It was just a matter of time to turn their kid’s heart around.

Marriage is close. According to our plans, it should happen before the year ends. I was happy until recently when Jo said something that got me disoriented. He’s a man. I didn’t expect him to be all over my children so when he came around and didn’t engage so much with them, it didn’t bother me. He did the bare minimum when my kids were concerned. We went out with them sometimes but that was it. When they called him daddy, he told them to call him uncle. That also didn’t bother me until he recently said what he said.

In a conversation where we were talking about raising kids and showing them love, he made it plain to me that he didn’t love my kids but he didn’t have any problem helping me to take care of them. This is how he put it; “I don’t love them. It’s you I love and want to start life with. They are secondary issues. I’ll help take care of them because I love you and they are yours.”

When I asked for further explanation, he said the same thing and asked me not to take it wrongly. But how can I take it rightly when the man I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with tells me he doesn’t love my kids? These kids he doesn’t love are also going to be part of me for the rest of our lives so how is he not going to love them?

Maybe he’s being realistic but I wish he never mentioned it. It changes everything for me and makes me feel like I’m putting my love life ahead of the safety and happiness of my kids. After marriage, I’m going to move in with him. My kids will follow. They’ll live with us until they’re old enough to leave the house. How are they going to fare in the presence of a man who doesn’t love them? Can I travel and leave them with him? When his kids come around for vacation, how’s he going to treat them and mine?

So many questions but the answer he gave me was, “Trust me, I don’t mean to hurt them or anything. I was only trying to make a point.”

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I won’t put my love life aside because I have kids but if I have to love, I should love what’s safe and healthy for my kids. Jo is a good man to me. He’s a great lover when it comes to me. He’s done enough to prove he’ll protect my interest and build his world around me but what he said about my kids changes a lot of things for me. I’m no longer at ease and don’t know if I should call it quits or go on with the marriage and hope everything will be alright.

Looking at the situation, if you were in my shoes, would you go ahead with it or resign from it? I love him. I can see he loves me too. I don’t want us to build a cocoon of love and leave my kids outside of it. It will hurt them and won’t make me happy. What’s your advice in this situation?

— Beatrice

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