For fifteen years, I lived with the father of my children. Initially, we had planned to get married as soon as we moved in. However, he started dragging his feet whenever the subject came up. “Babe, you know I have been working on this project. The timing is not right. Give me a few months to get ready.” I would say okay and wait for a few months to revisit the subject. That’s how I ended up living with him for fifteen years. 

In the span of the fifteen years, we’ve had three children. He made promises about how we would get married after the birth of the baby. He said this for each child until the third baby arrived and his tune changed. He stopped making promises and started talking about how we were practically married so a marriage ceremony was not necessary. 

We did this dance for years until he told me, “Okay, it’s not that I don’t want to marry you. It’s just that there are things going on that you don’t know about. These things are the reasons I cannot marry you. But I am worried that if I tell you, you will be hurt.” I asked him to tell me anyway. I would rather be hurt by the truth than pampered with a lie. 

His first reason was that he impregnated two other women outside our relationship and they both chose to keep the pregnancy, which means I am not his only baby mama. There are two more. I just happened to be the one who was living with him and had been with him the longest. 

I honestly didn’t know about these women until he decided to talk about them. That’s how good he was at keeping that side of his life hidden. He was always either at home or at work. He played his cards so well that even when he told me the truth, I didn’t believe him. I had to see pictures and conversations between him and them to accept that he was lying to me. 

When I finally accepted that he indeed had other women he explained, “Those women are also expecting me to marry them. So if I marry you, I would be disappointing them. And that’s not something I want to do.” I was stunned into silence. Or maybe my voice chose to disappear at the time I needed it the most.

When I finally found my voice to have a deeper conversation with him, I was confronted by the fact that the story was worse than I anticipated. He opened up about his other extracurricular activities. When he finished talking I asked myself, “Do I even know this man that I live with?” 

While I was yet to fully process the presence of his two baby mamas in our relationship. This guy added that he had another lady he was involved with. “The lady I told you is my business partner is more than a business partner. We are lovers as well.” The news had my head buzzing like a bee hive when he added, “There is another lady too but as for her she is married, so she is not part of the women expecting marriage from me.” If I was stunned into silence the first time then this time my brain froze. Everything went blank inside my head. 

For days I had a headache. It wasn’t just my head, my heart too. I started thinking of all the little things that should have given me a clue. The first one was the fact that he is not a provider. I contribute to paying whatever bills are delivered in our household. Even our children’s school fees and everything they need to get by, I contribute. However, when it came to my personal needs he would refuse to take care of me in any way. 

That aside, he never took me to any gatherings involving his social circle. Except his family’s events. Those were the only times we went anywhere together. He wouldn’t even take me out on dates. Meanwhile, I would see photos of him and other women at events. I always thought they were all work-related until I found out those were the women he was dating on the side.

It was a lot of information to take in but I was thankful to finally know that I was never going to legally call this mine because he was in no way mine. He was more like a wifi I was sharing with other women. This tore me apart in ways I never expected a relationship to hurt. 

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Some people advised me to turn a blind eye to the other women and stay for the kids. Others also advised me to leave him. In the end, I did what was best for me. I got myself an apartment and moved out. Whatever love I had for him vanished from my heart. 

It’s been two months since I told him I was done with the relationship. Now, he is back prophesying his undying love for me. He claims he is ready to marry me if I take him back. The first time he came to say this to me, I looked at his face and asked myself, “What did I see in him that made me live with him for fifteen years and bore three children by him without marriage?” That’s how I feel about him now. I have zero interest in him. 

I Found Him In Church Cheating Instead Of Praying

I am certain that I am done, but at the mention of marriage, people are telling me to return to him. It’s as if I am supposed to overlook every other problem with our relationship and jump up to grab yet another promise of marriage. I know I made the right choice by turning away when he came begging. However, the voices telling me to take him back are too many. “With three children, just marry him and handle the rest as they come,” they say. 

I feel this is bad advice. The kind that pressures women to stay in toxic relationships all because there might be marriage ahead. I am not wrong to think this way, am I? I need some recent people here to tell me I am not making a mistake by choosing single motherhood over another relationship with my baby daddy.

— Olivia

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