My last relationship ended about sixteen months ago. My ex, Patrick, treated me so badly that when I left the relationship, I was at my lowest.

On my way out, he verbally abused me. He told me, “I hope you get a life. Use your energy to build a successful life for yourself instead of forcing yourself on a man.” I couldn’t believe someone who used to act like he couldn’t live without me, would say such a thing. To him, they were mere words spoken out of anger but those words felt like a thousand needles to my heart. Why? Because they were true. The oil keeping the relationship going was from me. So I was hurt in unimaginable ways.

I thought I had seen the worst in my life when that relationship ended. I was so broken, I didn’t think my heart would go on. Then my daddy died. The pain of that breakup felt like a bee sting compared to how lost and alone I felt when I lost the man who was my first love. There were times I couldn’t even breathe. Not only had I lost a man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but I had also lost my lifeline.

Nothing made sense to me in a very long time. I was in so much pain that my emotions became numb. Even after my father’s burial, I struggled to move on. Many men came my way trying to get my attention but I was always quick to show them the door before I even got to know them.

To keep myself busy, I got myself an online writing job. It helped me think less about my grief. Slowly, my job became the light in my dark tunnel. Before I knew it, my entire life became about my work. It was a quiet and peaceful life. I felt I had a fulfilling life until my mother called me one day to have a heart-to-heart conversation.

She told me, “You know you are not getting any younger. It’s good to make more money but having someone to hold your hand through life is also important. If you have the right person, it is everything.” When she said this, I understood that she missed my dad. She wanted me to go out there and find a man who would be as good and loving to me as my dad is to me. I didn’t want her to worry so I promised her I would start dating again.

A few weeks after our conversation, I had a discussion with my friend about how difficult I was fnding it to talk to men. “The moment they start speaking, I know I won’t believe anything they say,” I ranted. My friend laughed and said, “Well, I can understand your reaction based on your past. Have you tried online dating?” I shook my head and told her it wouldn’t work for me. She told me about her experience. She put herself out there and met the man of her dreams.

Her testimony encouraged me to also give it a shot. I reached out to the anchor of the page she joined and placed an advert. It didn’t take long before my mail was flooded with messages. After engaging some of the people who reached out, I couldn’t help but feel like I had just wasted money. Most of them didn’t even bother to mask their lustful intentions so I gave up.

Two weeks later, I received an email from one of the people. I had responded to his email but not gotten a response. When he finally replied to me, he apologized for the long silence. “I was busy writing my exams but I am free now. If I am not too late, I would like to know you.” I got the impression that he was a student and probably too young for me so I ignored him.

A day later, he was in my email again asking for a chance to make up for his late response. He sounded mature and genuine so I decided to engage him. I got to know that he is a medical doctor pursuing another degree, and was combining work with school. We lived about thirty-five minutes away from each other. After our conversation, I was glad I did not write him off too quickly.

When he asked me out on a date, I accepted it but my expectations were quite low. That’s because his pictures were not that impressive. However, he seemed to have a great personality. Personality mattered more to me so why not?

Let’s just say that I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him in person. I almost couldn’t believe he was the same person because he looked way more handsome than in his pictures. I was swept off my feet almost immediately. I was almost cursing myself for not agreeing to a date earlier.

He had a gentle demeanour that had me swooning. He told me he was ready for a relationship but couldn’t meet anyone because he was always busy. Honestly, I had a difficult time believing a guy like him couldn’t meet a woman. According to my standards, he was the epitome of an African king, intelligent, smelled good and looked stable. “How can you be single?” I asked out loud.

He explained that he got out of a relationship about two years ago and had just managed to heal and though a couple of women had come his way, he wasn’t ready then. By the time the date ended, I made up my mind that I was going to date this man but little did I know what was in store for me.

A few days after our first date, we went on another date. This time around, we hugged before parting ways. I wanted the hug to linger but I controlled myself.

Afterwards, we started dating officially. Most new relationships start sweet and intense but mine was different. It appeared my boyfriend lived on another planet. He would not pick up my calls and would reply to my messages very late. I made excuses for him considering he was working and schooling. Meanwhile, though he is always online.

One day, I called him while he was online but as expected he didn’t pick up my calls. When he called back a few hours later and I asked him why he ignored my call, he flared up. “You are always getting ahead of yourself and assuming too much,” he shouted. I was surprised at his attitude but kept my calm. When he finished ranting, he cut the call.

I kept to myself because I didn’t see what I did that should warrant being yelled at. It took him six days to calm down and call me. When he did, he acted as if all was well until I called him to order. That was when he apologized. He said he behaved poorly because was stressed.

To make up for the distance between us, he drove to my place with the intention to spend the night. I gave him some food to eat and just when we were about to sleep, he had an emergency at work.

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This was a few minutes to 11p.m so I helped pack his stuff while he headed out. Once I was done, I met him by the car and gave him his things. We had our first kiss before he zoomed off. It was magical.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt tingles up my spine, like a teenage girl with a crush. I tossed and turned in bed all night because my heart couldn’t remain calm. While our kiss gave me the impression that our relationship was progressing, my boyfriend went AWOL again for some days. It was frustrating. This was a new relationship for love’s sake! How come he lives close but I only see him for two hours in a week? I couldn’t bear it anymore.

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When I complained he called me clingy. I also called him nonchalant. We were so mad at each other. In a fit of anger, I told him, “If I had your baby, I would feel secure in the relationship. Without something binding us, I don’t know if you are ever going to come back when you disappear.” That very day he broke up with me. He said, “You don’t want a relationship. You are just looking for a baby daddy.”

Truth be told, I was already madly in love with him. I just wanted him to tell me, he would make time for us. Was it necessary for him to break up with me over that? Anyway, he is gone and I am back to nursing another heartbreak. I hope when I heal, I will finally find a love that won’t make me feel I am too much.

— Birah

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