During one of my school vacations, I went to live with my aunt to help her sell at the market. I made a few friends there. One of them was a guy called Musah. We grew close in such a short while, because of how well we enjoyed each other’s company. Before my vacation ended he told me; “Akos, I love you and I want you to be my girlfriend.” I liked him a lot so I agreed to his proposal. And shortly after that, I went back to school. 

I was in my final year then so I was able to sneak a phone to school. This enabled me to talk to Musah during my stay in school. My schedule was busy but I kept in touch with him until I completed school. After school, we saw each other frequently. He didn’t have much but he was able to give me money whenever I was in need. And I appreciated him for it. Our love grew deep and strong, and the fact that he was a Muslim did not bother me. I was also certain that it wasn’t a problem for him. So we just focused on growing together as individuals, and as a couple.

About two years into our relationship I got pregnant. When I told my family about it they got angry with me. “How can you allow this to happen? We had high hopes for you but look at how you’ve disappointed us.” They lamented. I understood their disappointment and I felt very ashamed for being the cause of it. So  I packed my bags and moved in with Musah. He was accommodating when I first moved in. He took good care of me and made sure that I was coping well with the pregnancy. Things were going well to the point where I believed he would marry me after the baby arrives. 

One night I was home when he returned from town. It was late and I was tired but he woke me up that he wanted to talk. I protested, “It’s been a long day. Can’t we talk tomorrow?” He said, “No, what I want to talk about cannot wait.” Before I realized it he was dragging me out of the room to God knows where. So I got angry and asked him, “What is your problem? What do you want to say that cannot wait till morning.” The next thing I heard was “Wham!” followed by a sting on my cheek. I didn’t want to receive another slap so I kept quiet and went back to sleep.

The next morning I went to the police station to report him, and I was asked to file a complaint at DOVVSU. I don’t know how he knew but somehow he found out that I had reported him at the police station. So he asked his brother to help him apologize to me. I didn’t have anywhere else to go so I accepted his apology and dropped all charges against him. From that moment, this guy put me through a whole lot of mess until I gave birth. 

When it was time for us to name our child, Musah picked a name without seeking my approval. When I complained he told me, “You are not a Muslim so I cannot allow you to pick a name for our child.” I wasn’t financially stable so I didn’t have the courage to fight him on the issue or any other issue. Whatever he did that I didn’t like, I ignored it. If he said something hurtful, I turned a deaf ear to it. I paid attention to taking care of our baby and left him to his own devices. 

As time went on, this man stopped coming home. He left the house for me and the baby and stopped giving us money for upkeep. His behaviour bothered me but I was too afraid to confront him so I kept quiet until someone told me that he was going out with a Muslim woman. And it turned out that he was spending all his time and money with her. I didn’t confront him. I just quietly packed my bags and moved to my family’s house with the baby. 

When he found out that we left his house he called me, “I don’t care if you leave, but why did you take my child along? Bring him back.” I responded, “You didn’t perform any traditional rites when I was pregnant, and you didn’t perform any rites after I had the baby. So you don’t have any right to the baby. If you want to claim him then perform the necessary rites, and then we can go to court and fight for custody.” He got angry and reported me to WAJU. I received a summons from them and went to tell them the same thing I told Musah. They agreed with me and asked him to perform the necessary rites for the child before the issue of custody will be pursued. 

I waited for Musah to come and perform the child’s rites but he didn’t do it. I didn’t like how he was behaving but I also didn’t want to be the kind of mother who comes between her child and his father, so I forgave him. And we both agreed that we would share custody and responsibilities of our son. I stuck to our agreement and took the child to him when it was his turn to have him. But when it was my turn, he refused to let him come to me. 

He told me, “You can visit him if you want to see him, but I will not allow you to take him home.” My son and I cried our eyes out that day, but Musah was resolute in his decision. Upon all this, he still asked me to pay for my share of the responsibilities. I was the one paying our child’s school fees when he started school. Yet I was never allowed to take him home. He did this for about two years but I kept quiet and watched him. Then it came to a time, he started preventing me from visiting the child altogether. 

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For a whole month, I stayed away from them, but I watched them closely and learned their routine. One day I just walked into their house at a time I knew everyone would be busy, and took my son and ran. After we got home I called him and told him, “I have come for my child so don’t panic if you can’t find him at home.” He became angry but there was nothing he could do. What even surprised me through all this is, anytime I asked our son to talk to Musah, this child would refuse. 

This continued for a long time so one day I asked him, “Why don’t you want to talk to your father?” My little boy told me, “I always cried that I want to come to you but daddy didn’t let me. So I will not talk to him again, and I will not go to his house again.” I was shocked that such a young child understood what his father was doing. He has been with me for a year and a half now but he still refuses to visit his dad. Anytime I tell him, “I am sending you to your daddy’s place today,” he would start crying, “Mummy please I don’t want to go to daddy’s house. Mummy, don’t take me there, I will be a good boy.” I don’t know how they treated him when he was there but it must have been horrible if he thinks visiting his father is a punishment.

Now, Musah is pestering me to bring the child to him. I keep telling him the same thing, “If you want to fight for custody then you have to perform the necessary rites first. Until then, the child is mine.” He says he doesn’t want us to go to court. He wants us to discuss it amongst our families, but the last time that happened he didn’t honour the terms of our agreement. So I told him we won’t discuss anything at home. 

 He is not happy that I am finally standing up to him. So he has been sending me threats. I want him to do the right thing but I am scared he might hurt me. Should I just take the custody issue to court even though he has refused to perform the child’s rites? Or should I wait and insist he performs the rites? I am very scared and confused right now. 

—Akos

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