He Is The Reason Why We Can’t Have Children But He Doesn’t Want To Be Helped

If I knew my marriage would turn out this way, three years ago, I would have listened to my father and not gotten married. I don’t know why my father was against the marriage, but I know if I walk away now, I will be a laughing stock.

My husband is 38, and I am 31. We haven’t had any luck when it comes to children. We’ve been trying, I specifically have been trying to conceive but as I’m writing this, there’s nothing to show for my efforts. I’m the one who is worried about our situation. My husband doesn’t care about anything and it bothers me a lot. We are a team. We are supposed to support each other to achieve common goals but, in my situation, my husband is going left while I go right.

Before I met him, he was with another lady. They stayed for two years and didn’t deliver until the lady left. As a pharmacist, I got concerned so I decided to seek medical attention before marriage. I didn’t want any surprises. I wanted to be sure of what I was taking home. Check alignment and check the gearbox to see if everything was functioning the way it’s supposed to. I booked an appointment with a gynecologist and later visited. After a thorough assessment, he declared that I was fertile and my body was in good shape for childbearing.” He said, “But it takes two to tango. It takes two to give birth so it’s better you bring your partner for assessment too.”

I went home and told him about it; “Dear, I’ve seen a specialist. After the assessment, I’ve been passed fit to conceive. It’s your turn now. He says you should come around for an assessment too.” He didn’t want to go. I had to press and nag him months before he finally accepted to visit the specialist. After a physical examination on him, the specialist tasked him to go through a series of lab tests. He didn’t do it. Anytime I reminded him, he gave me excuses; “I’ll do it next week.” “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “I’m busy with work, I’ll do it after I complete this project.” He never ran out of excuses. An impatient woman would have given up and left things alone, but I was a woman on a mission. I kept pushing him until in the end, he agreed to go for the test.

I didn’t want any more unnecessary delays so I went for the results myself. The results said he had a low sperm count. His count was so low the doctor suggested IVF as an option. He told us, “It takes a lot of money to fight a count this low. It’s better you do IVF. It would save you money in the long run and also help you avoid the stress that comes with the fight.”

I knew IVF is expensive but I was ready to bear all the costs. I’m determined to use my savings to get it done but to convince my husband to follow me to the hospital had become a mountain too high to climb. He thinks it’s unnecessary. Maybe it has to do with his ego but he doesn’t want to hear anything about IVF. Men don’t have a biological clock as we do but with his diagnosis, and his age, you’d think he would be quick to act on the doctor’s advice but he doesn’t care.

I would have loved to get my family involved but right from the beginning, my father didn’t like him. He tried to stop me from marrying him but I was in love so I moved against his wishes and got married to him.  The stress of dealing with a difficult husband, and the pressure from people constantly asking when I’m going to give birth started taking a toll on my health. I finally went to the hospital last two weeks and I was diagnosed with fibroid. I’m still trying to solve one problem, and boom, another one appeared.

The doctor said he wouldn’t recommend surgery yet. He thinks it’s best I conceive so that it’s taken out with the baby. I thought maybe my husband’s love for me, will outweigh his disinterest in having children. I got home, tried to create a peaceful environment, and then told him, “When I went to the hospital, the doctor said I had fibroid. He suggested I get pregnant as soon as possible so that they can take it out with the baby.” He didn’t even look tickled. All he said was ‘okay.’ Just okay. I might have as well spoken to a stone.

All my efforts didn’t make any impact on his actions, so I called for help from the outside. I called our pastors, and a few people he respected very much. Let’s just say, he didn’t see it coming. We sat him down, and the elders spoke to him. “You are a man. You need to show it by bringing forth a child,” Said one. “You are lucky to have a woman like your wife. Look at all the troubles she has gone through to get you to have at least, one child. Man up and do your part,” Said another.

He didn’t argue or try to be defensive. He nodded and agreed to whatever they said. I felt triumphant. My husband will give me what I want—a child. Several days later, nothing changed. We had a big fight. In the course of the fight, he said “If you think you are tired of the marriage, go and bring divorce papers, I’ll sign them so you can have your freedom.”

We live in a house together but we live like tenants at war. We don’t play. We don’t plan. We don’t talk to each other like lovers do. Shuperu had been relegated from the equation and for the past six months, we’ve lived like enemies with imaginary erected borders.

I thought of taking my life to escape the shame. I didn’t just think it. I made a move to end it all until a neighbor appeared out of nowhere to foil my plans.

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One day he came home with a bottle of green concoction in his hands. He told me, “A friend gave me this herb. He said it’s very potent and can help us with our problem. He recommended that we take it together for quick results.” I didn’t mind him and I didn’t take part in taking a concoction I didn’t know where it was coming from. He took everything by himself and later lost his manhood. Previously, he was shooting blanks but at least he could get an erection. After drinking that green thing he called medicine, he lost the little grace he had left.

I’m worried for him, but I’m also tired of the drama and want to divorce him. I know I can stand by him, and help find a solution to this problem he’s facing. If what I’ve learned from him over the years is anything to go by then he will never allow himself to be helped. I hate that his friends from work mock him and call him names for not having children. They tell him to impregnate his wife, to prove he is a real man. I’m wondering what will happen to him if I leave. It’s the reason I’m still with him. I feel he might do something bad to himself if I leave him. What should I do? Where do I go from here as this marriage is killing me slowly?