After a very painful breakup with my baby daddy of five years, a senior staff member at my workplace took an interest in me. He liked to keep to himself so I did not know much about him. I am a very friendly person, so I have built close friendships with most of the men at the workplace. However, when it came to Baba, he always put up a wall. I remember how I used to look at him and think, “This man is arrogant.”

He was the logistics officer at work. My sister also sells agricultural products. So one day I gathered courage, walked up to him, and said; “My sister sells some of the products you buy for the office, so the next time you are going to buy some tell me so I connect you to her.” He gave his number to me and asked me to send him the invoice for some of the products. That was how we started talking to each other.

A week later, he heard me speaking to one of my cousins in our local dialect. After I finished talking he approached me and said, “I am also from your tribe but I can’t speak the language. Will you teach me?” I jokingly asked him to pay for it and we laughed over it.

This encounter brought us a little closer but we only spoke when we met at work. One day after work he told me, “When you get home today, call me.” I said okay but I knew I wouldn’t call him. When I got home, I remembered his words but I didn’t make the call. Two days later he saw me and said again, “Call me when you get home.” I still did not want to call him but this time around I did.

When I called him we spoke briefly catching up on office gossip. Before we said goodbye he asked me to have dinner with him over the weekend. I agreed and we made arrangements. The day I went out to him, he made his intentions known to me. He said he would like us to date. I encouraged him and let him know that I could be his. I just did not say yes to him.

At work, a coworker whom I considered a confidant asked me about my relationship with Baba. I told him we were just talking, and this friend said; “Well, be careful. He doesn’t disclose it publicly but he is married. To be honest, I was very disappointed. I liked Baba so the knowledge that he already had a wife. Also, why didn’t he tell me about her? We are both Muslims so he should know better than to act single at the time he proposed love to me.

Along the line, he asked me to go on a trip with him to Kumasi. I already made plans to go out with my friends on my birthday so I didn’t go. This man canceled his trip because of me. He chose to spend the day at a hotel with me instead. We had a good time. I had feelings for him but I wasn’t sure if my heart was safe in his hands.

I did not want to put all my eggs into one basket. So when my baby daddy came begging, I took him while I was still with Baba. For the first time in my life, I was dating two men at the same time. I was playing my game very well until Baba caught me. He did not catch me red-handed but he knew I was cheating on him with my ex-boyfriend.

We had fights about it. He forgave me but the trust was broken. His trust issues became so bad he hacked my phone. The entire time he was spying on me, I had no idea. By then I had broken up with my baby daddy. Baba was the only man in my life and I made sure he knew this. But he still spied on me because he read meaning into everything I did. He monitored everything I did with my phone but he still wasn’t satisfied that I wasn’t doing anything behind his back.

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When I asked him about the way forward with us, he told me he would like to work on regaining the trust he lost for me first. We are now over two years in the relationship but there has been no improvement. He says he is making plans to travel so he doesn’t know when he will be back to marry me. In short, he is confused about us.

We agreed that we would give ourselves two years after he leaves the country. If after that time he gets his papers then we will plan our marriage, if he doesn’t then we will go our separate ways. I was willing to wait for him but Baba is acting up all of a sudden.

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If I ask him to do something for me, I would have to talk until my mouth pains me before he does it. We have stopped having sex. He doesn’t want me to even kiss him. When I asked what was going on he said, “I am in a state of prayer for my travel plans.” He says he is praying but when he does something unpleasant and I complain, we would go for weeks without talking.

He doesn’t accept that there is something wrong with our relationship. But as his woman, I know he is pulling away. I have read the writing on the walls and I too have pulled away. Could you believe that he hasn’t called me since then? It’s been a month. I am having an emotional breakdown and I don’t know how to go about it. Sometimes I want to call him and resolve our issues but something is telling me to stand. My question is, what if I am making a mistake? What if he is my soul mate and by letting him go I will end up single forever? Please help me.

—Zenabu

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