We are in an open relationship. That was what we both agreed on right from the onset of the relationship. He is everything I want in a man but we were both not in a place where we can commit to each other. So the agreement was that we could be with other people as long as the other person knew about it and we were both being safe. He let me know he had true feelings for me but he didn’t want us to be exclusive. At the time, my heart was too distant to love anyone so I accepted the terms.

Our first date ended in shuperu. It was something we had already talked about and planned. So I was ready when it happened. He was good, I am not going to lie. He hit all the right places. Everything we did together was so intimate. That’s because we were so in sync with each other. I honestly liked the kind of connection we shared so much that I had no desire to be with other people. I only wanted him.

Due to the kind of relationship we have, I don’t usually ask him questions like, “What are you doing?” Or “Where are you going?” Even if he tells me where he is going, I respond with okay. I don’t ask what he is going to do or who is going with, especially if it’s a restaurant or a pub. He is the type who likes to go out and eat and have drinks with friends. So he goes to these places a lot. I didn’t want to know if he was involved with anyone else apart from me. That’s why I didn’t ask the kind of questions that didn’t guarantee safe answers.

One of the things we have that I deeply cherish is our friendship. I talk to him about almost everything. It was even easier considering we had an open relationship. If I met a guy I found interesting, I told him about the new guy. If the guy showed interest in me I would tell him about it. Just like me, he doesn’t ask a lot of questions. He just likes to listen when I have something to tell him. He would nod, and laugh, say all the right expressions even when I was telling him about another man.

It’s been a year since we started this arrangement and so much has changed. I am no longer in a place where I can’t commit to a relationship anymore. I feel emotionally ready. I have even fallen in love with him. When I told him about my feelings he said, “As for me I have always loved you. And that’s not going to change. However, I like the way our relationship is. Things don’t have to change just because your feelings have. Let’s not ruin what we have.”

I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone else apart from him so I told him that. He also swore he wasn’t seeing any other ladies but to avoid cheating, we should keep the relationship open. I said okay and we moved on. We do everything like a regular couple. We have date nights. Sometimes we would go out for breakfast. Other times we would do lunch. We’ve gone on trips as well. He provides for me financially as well.

This past year has been one of the most magical moments of my life. We fit perfectly. When we are together, I don’t want the moment to end. I want to be as loud as possible about my love for him but how could I tell people in my life about a man who refuses to be exclusive with me? This bothered me a great deal so I sat him down for another conversation. I told him I would like to build a life and a future with my man. “Do you see yourself settling down soon?” I asked him.

He answered, “I intend to start a family soon but I’m not ready now. If you’ve met someone who is willing to give that to you, you can give the person a chance. I will make room for the person to join our relationship.” There was a casualness to the way he made the statement that hurt me. It was as if I didn’t mean that much to him. Like I was a pair of slippers he could take turns sharing with the next available guy. I told myself, “This guy doesn’t love me. If he did, he wouldn’t encourage me to move on from him.”

While I was still disappointed, I took his advice. There was a guy from my past, Nii, who had just resurfaced. He had been trying to get my attention. He asked me out on several dates but I kept turning him down. The few ones I accepted, I canceled them last minute. I had spent some time considering going out with him but I kept talking myself out of it. Although I was in an open relationship, the thought of entertaining another man felt like cheating to me. However, because he encouraged me to find someone else who would give me what I wanted, I texted Nii and told him I was available to go out with him.

As soon as he received my text, he asked; “How soon should I pick you up?” I gave him a time and he showed up at my address. The night went well. We reminisced about the good old days and talked about all the naughty fun we snuck around to have right under our parents’ noses. He said he didn’t have any woman in his life. “There hasn’t been anyone serious after you. Give me another chance and let me put a ring on your finger this time.” I smiled at his proposal and asked him to give me some time to think about it. I didn’t tell him I had a boyfriend.

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When he dropped me off that night he asked for a kiss. I gave it to him. I told myself I wasn’t doing anything wrong. After all, I was in an open relationship. The kiss brought back memories of our past so I got into it. We ended up doing more than just a good night kiss when I left his car that night. We didn’t go all the way though.

The next morning, I realized I couldn’t choose Nii over my man. Because of this, I chose to erase the whole date and its aftermath from my memory. That’s why I didn’t mention a word of this experience to my boyfriend. Then he came to visit me one morning and went through my phone while I was in the bathroom. He asked if I slept with someone. I said no but he didn’t believe me. He started asking questions about the day I went out with the guy. I told him half-truths. “We went on a date and he brought me home.” He said I was lying. “You know you are not telling me everything that happened.” Before I could say anything, he pushed me and stormed out.

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

When he got home, he sent me screenshots he took from my phone. These were conversations I had with Nii about our past and our most recent encounter. My boyfriend said the fact that I lied about what happened meant he didn’t know who I was anymore. “I have always counted on you not to lie to me. That’s why we have an open relationship. So why are you hiding someone you’ve started seeing from me?” He said I cheated by not sharing information about Nii with him. He was right. I broke the terms of our agreement.

I expected him to be angry and throw tantrums but he didn’t. I apologized and he said we were okay. He hasn’t asked if I am still seeing Nii. All he said was that I should be honest with him about these things going forward. When he came to see me yesterday, he was acting sweet. He gave me a massage when I complained of body pain. He also made me banku when I said I was hungry. Honestly, I am scared. He is carrying on with the relationship as if nothing happened. I’m wondering if indeed, he is not mad. Or if he is just pretending not to be mad so I would let my guard down for him to get back at me? Or maybe he doesn’t love as much as he says. I’m just confused that he is taking it well even though he knows the details of what transpired with Nii. Please, are there really men like him out there? Or I am being deceived?

—Awula

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