I met Damian when I went to do my internship at an organization. He was also an intern. We easily bonded over our shared experiences and similar status within the company. Although I noticed he was good-looking, I wasn’t initially attracted to him.

The attraction happened because of our regular phone calls. This guy would call me after work, and we’d talk for four or five hours straight. Even though we knew we’d see each other the next day, we’d still stay on the phone as if we hadn’t seen each other in weeks.

I had two concerns when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

The first was our age difference. I’m two years older than him. I told him, “I’m not sure I can date a man I’m older than.”

He assured me age wouldn’t be a problem. “You won’t even notice that I’m younger than you,” he said.

He convinced me. I was willing to accept the age bit but my second concern was the distance. His school is in a different State, quite far from mine. When I brought it up he suggested, “Why don’t we get to know each other for now? After the internship, you can visit me on campus and decide if the distance is really an issue.”

It sounded reasonable, so I agreed.

At the beginning of our relationship, I had a habit of pulling away whenever we had issues. He didn’t like it. “It’s not pleasant when you withdraw just because you’re upset with me,” he said. “Talk to me. I’ll listen and we will work on it.”

I’m not someone who likes to talk about what bothers me, but I made an effort to change for his sake.

Ironically, when he returned to school, I noticed he had a similar habit of withdrawing whenever he had personal issues. I hadn’t seen that side of him until we were separated by the distance I once worried about.

Damian comes from a troubled home. His mother had him as a teenager, and his father has never been present in his life. As a result, his mother dumps all her frustrations on him. When that happens, he shuts everyone out.

The first time he went silent on me, I was worried sick. I thought something terrible had happened to him. When he finally came around and I confronted him, he said, “That’s how I process my emotions. I even shut out my own family.”

We had a serious talk about how scared that made me feel. “Even if you need space,” I told him, “just let me know so I won’t worry.”

The next time he needed space, he sent a message. I wished him well and reminded him I was there for him.

But by the third time, he went back to his default attitude. He just disappeared without a word. I was frustrated. Imagine someone you care about going completely silent on you, and you don’t even know if they care okay.

When he came back, he explained that his mother had said something hurtful again. He needed time to breathe and feel better. “I’m sorry if you were worried, but this is who I am. Can you put up with it?”

I told him I couldn’t. Even friendship with someone who shuts me out without a word is hard to deal with.

After that conversation, we agreed to give each other space. But he kept calling me every day to update me on his days. Sometimes we spoke about school, other times about his issues with his mother.

I wanted to be there for him, but the more we talked, the more confused I felt about what we were doing. One day I told him that speaking to him every day wasn’t helping with the space we were supposed to be taking.

He asked if I was talking to other people. I said yes.

He hung up and later sent me a four-minute voice message. In it, he said, “I feel bad that I’m stressing you out because of my problems. Going forward, don’t call me. Don’t text me. If I contact you, ignore me. Otherwise, I’ll be too selfish to let you go.”

I agreed with everything he said but it hurts. I feel bad knowing he’s going through so much alone. I wanted to be the one who is always in his corner. Now, I feel like I gave up on him too easily.

Apart from his mental health struggles, Damian is a genuinely good person. He’s been generous from the beginning of our relationship. He even connected me to one of his income sources so I could support myself through school.

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He’s also been the one fighting for us. Every time we faced a problem, he always came back and tried to fix it.

So now, I’m thinking. Should I also fight for him this time? Maybe I shouldn’t let him walk away when I know he still needs someone. But I’m afraid that if I stay, I’ll have no right to complain when he goes silent again. After all, he did warn me, didn’t he?

I Was The Man In The Relationship And He Didn’t Like It

What do you think I should do?

Am I a bad person for letting him go? Or would I be doing myself more harm by holding on to someone who might never change?

I’m confused and torn.

— Claudia

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