I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years, and we’re planning to settle down. I should be happy that our relationship is progressing but I am not. When I think about our future, I am filled with anxiety. I love him but I am conflicted about marrying him. This is why:
In the first year of our relationship, he didn’t have a stable job. He survived by doing menial jobs. During this period, I used to send him job ads. I would then follow up and ask, “Did you see the job vacancies I sent you? Have you applied for the jobs?” Sometimes he would say yes. Other times he would give me an excuse.
I kept doing my best to support him until one day he told me, “Stop asking me about the job ads you send. It makes me feel small. As if I don’t know what I am supposed to do.” I didn’t mean to make him feel bad in any way so I reduced the amount of ads I sent him. The few ones I sent too, I didn’t ask if he applied for them.
As time passed, he came up with some grand ideas that were supposed to earn him money. When I thought it was necessary, I asked questions about how the plan would work. Then I offered some useful suggestions. Occasionally, I came up with some ideas of my own and suggested them to him. None of these saw the light of day. I wanted to ask why he was sitting on his big ideas but I didn’t want him to think I was forcing him to get busy, so I left it alone.
By the time we got to the second year of our relationship, he got a job at my former workplace. I explained the conditions of the job to him and shared tips on how I was able to save and buy some basic things for myself when I worked there, even though the salary wasn’t much. I hoped it would encourage him to manage his salary and save.
Since it was his first real job, I felt responsible for helping him manage his finances. I tried to guide him but I got the impression that I was disturbing him. He didn’t state it in plain terms but he made me feel I was acting like I knew everything, so I backed off and let him do his thing.
Now, it’s been almost two years since he got that job. We were having a conversation recently when he admitted that he hasn’t applied for any other jobs since he started there. I was surprised but I restrained myself from giving him a lecture.
Besides not looking for better opportunities, this man hasn’t bought anything for himself that a man preparing for marriage should have. Not even basic items like a mattress, bed frame, television, or sofa. He has no savings in his bank account, and his room is practically empty. I know material things don’t guarantee a successful marriage, but at his age, he should have something to show for himself after working for two years.
I asked him how he intends to fund our wedding and he said, “I plan to get a loan.” “If we start our marriage on loans then how are we going to survive in the marriage?” I asked him. This guy boldly told me he would need me to support him with my money. Honestly, it scared me.
I don’t have a problem when it comes to pitching in to take care of things. Lord knows I have always worked to pay my bills. Nonetheless, the fact that my fiance hasn’t attempted to do anything to secure our future financially is what is bothering me.
At a point, I even asked him, “Or are you testing me? Maybe you have some savings somewhere I don’t know about.” He assured me he had nothing. “Why would I lie about something like this just to test you?” he asked.
Regardless, I sat him down to have conversations about our future as a couple. When it came to career and educational expectations, I realized he doesn’t have a clear path. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants to do with his life. Everything he said implies that he doesn’t have any expectations for something better than his current job. All he has is big talks about business ideas. Ideas he never acts on.
I feel he has become too content with his life because he knows I am here to assist him. I remember asking him, “How do you intend to take care of a family on this salary?” He looked at me and said, “But you are around. What else will you use your money for?” “Are you aware that in this economy a family can spend between GHC1,000 and GHC1,500 for monthly upkeep?” He was shocked.
After everything I have seen, I am not confident he will make a good husband. I see him as someone who is slow to progress. He is also extremely complacent and resistant to change. He seems too relaxed about his life, and I fear he might drag me down with him. Worse, he would drain me emotionally and financially if I settle down with him.
I don’t know how to have a conversation with him about this. Knowing him, he would say I am asking for too much or that I am trying to control him. But deep down, I just want him to do better for himself.
When I think about marriage, I envision myself with a man who earns more than I do—not because I want him to spend all his money on me. No, far from that. I just want a man who takes charge of the family’s responsibilities while I support him. That way, his ego won’t bruise at the slightest misunderstanding.
Unfortunately, our situation is the opposite. I would have had a shred of hope if he was motivated to change his mindset and ways but that’s not the case. While I pray for him to find a better job, he finds petty excuses to reject opportunities, and rather keeps coming up with ideas that he never acts on.
I Accepted His Proposal When I Hadn’t Met Him Physically
I, on the other hand, take advantage of opportunities, explore new offers, build connections, and expand my network because I believe help can come from anywhere.
Am I overreacting or are my concerns valid? Has anyone experienced this before? To the men out there, is it normal for a man to be this laid back about his life? I am thinking of leaving him but here lies the case where I am in my early thirties. I am not sure what awaits if I go back into the dating world to start over. Is there hope for this man I am about to marry? Please, help a help a sister out.
— Cass
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You are right. Please don’t get married to him. That will be your undoing. Comfort is always the end of a man’s greatness . You can’t force someone to want the best for themselves unless they crave and desire it. Please put yourself first. Your ambition is right but you have to have the right person who is also ambitious like you. He isn’t the one .
Two can’t walk together unless they agree. Finance is an important pillar of marriage you can’t ignore. You have mastered the pillars of a relationship but unfortunately he hasn’t. My only input is, if should do a thorough introspection on his weakness against your strengths and you can fairly match up to it then go ahead. If not please walk away so you don’t live in regret. Eg. If he is willing to let you take lead in the area of finance and he won’t be intimidated by it then that’s fine. Marriage is for partnership, we are not looking for perfect people but people we can match up to their weakness and they can welcome our strengths as well, to achieve that the purpose and vision should be clear and he does not seem to have that. Also it’s better late than to live in regret. Best regards
Early thirties? Take it like that.
Leave him my sister. Don’t ever make the mistake of marrying him. I have been there before. It’s the most expensive mistake I have ever made. As I write now, I’m the one taking care of our kids , ( school, cloth, feeding, medical bills, etc) rent and bills. I’m really suffering.
Remember, don’t marry him. Just quietly walk away. Don’t worry about ur age. U will meet ur luv.
What you are seeing is exactly what is going to happen in marriage the earlier the better. We don’t take important decisions because we know the future but because we know God has something better for us.
So take your life back and hope on God this time you watch out for the signs early.
In our dispensation, a man who lays back, reluctant to seek useful ideas and allows his ego to dictate how he feels despite his pupper life is a danger to his beloved.
At least there should be signs of some potentials even if you don’t have it now.
My dear it’s a form of a red flag. His reluctance to take ideas from you is the worse of it all.