Just like Freda, I too have a story to share about an abroad boyfriend.

Although he is not here, I have a suitcase full of clothes and goodies I bought for him. Whenever I see something I know will look good on him, I buy it. If it’s a cologne that smells nice, I would say, “I want to smell this on Junior.” And then buy it for him. I have been doing this for one year. That’s how long it’s been since we started dating.

If he were here in Ghana all that stuff I bought for him wouldn’t be in a suitcase. I would have given them to him. I don’t send them to him where he lives because he keeps telling me, “I am coming to Ghana to marry soon.” That’s why I chose to keep the items. My intention was to give him a suitcase full of presents. It’s not a surprise. Anytime I buy him stuff, I show them to him and he tells me how much he loves them.

He is not the only person I buy stuff for. His family also benefits from my generosity. He is always asking me to visit them and buy them presents. In the beginning, I was doing that no questions asked. I would go over there with bags full of stuff for his mum and sister, and little gifts for whichever relative happens to be there at the time of my visit. Whenever I was too tired to go there Junior would emphasize how important it was to him that I get along well with his family.

He talked a lot about his desire for me to move in with them right after marriage. When he brought it up I would tell him, “No, that’s not something I am comfortable with.” We never agreed on this subject. However, I did my best to be present in his family’s lives until his sister started taking me for a ride. She would call me and give me a list of things I should get for her on my next visit. Meanwhile, her brother wasn’t giving me money to shop for them. It was all from my pockets.

That’s my problem with Junior. People hear that my boyfriend lives abroad and they assume he is spoiling me with gifts and money. All I can say is that the guy constantly complains bitterly about how little money he has. “I am investing all my money in my building project. That’s why I am always broke,” he would say.

It has always been like that right from the beginning of the relationship. I didn’t think much of it at first. By then the love was new and sweet like fresh palm wine. He was like a breath of fresh air after I had just recovered from a terrible heartbreak. I was ready to move on and there he was. My friend told me he was looking for a girlfriend he could marry when he returned to Ghana. I decided to give him a try so she introduced us. And after two weeks of talking, we started a relationship.

Perhaps I was intoxicated with hope. Or maybe I was just blinded by love. Whatever it was, it took me three months for me to realize that Junior had never attempted to do something nice for me. I believe that love and giving go hand in hand. When you love someone, you naturally want to give them stuff. So why was Junior not doing that?

I know it’s a long-distance relationship but technology has made it easier to show love to others even when they are far away. For instance, we talk at least five times a day. This costs airtime and data bundle. Would it hurt him to send me money for airtime once in a while? I can afford to buy my own airtime but it would be nice for him to be thoughtful.

In our fourth month together, I gathered courage and asked him to send me some money for upkeep. I told him I made some unexpected expenses so I was broke for the rest of the month. The first thing he said was, “You know I don’t have money because of my building project.” Then he went on to complain bitterly about money before he finally sent me something small for that upkeep.

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I wasn’t expecting him to take care of me as if I were his child. However, after one year in the relationship, I couldn’t boast of GHC1,000 worth of gifts or money from him. He, on the other hand, once asked me to loan him GHC20,000 for his building projects but I refused.

He also had special requests he would make of me. “I want nudes,” he would ask. I never complained. Every time he asked, I gave it to him. Nonetheless, on days I wasn’t in the mood to send him nudes, Junior would get angry and not talk to me for days.

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That’s what I don’t get. He understands that he has needs that have to be met by me yet he can’t accept that I have needs too? When I realised I was getting the short end of the stick in this relationship, I told him, “I don’t want to send you nudes anymore. It makes me uncomfortable.” Well, he insulted me miserably. I couldn’t believe someone who was crazy in love with me would throw tantrums because I wouldn’t send him photos of my own body.

It’s been weeks since his verbal abuse. I haven’t called him. He also hasn’t called to apologize. I am not mad. The truth is, I don’t even care anymore. I’ve started going on dates and meeting new people. I can’t waste my time waiting around for him when my husband is out there praying to meet me. Long distance relationship? Never again.

— Maa Afia

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