The night I discovered he had another lady in his life, I was so devastated I couldn’t sleep but I loved him too much to walk away. I was twenty-four. I found him when I was twenty-two. He was thirty-two—my first true love.

He didn’t even apologize for having another girlfriend. All he said was, “You’re still young and I love you. She’s just someone from the past. You don’t have to worry about her.”

I coiled in the corner of his bed, thinking of what next to do. When I woke up in the morning, I’d resolved to let things go and instead fight to be the one he’d choose. “Nagging will drive him away. Only true love and patience will bring him close to me,” I said to myself. “I’ll be his peace.”

When I got pregnant the first time and he looked into my eyes and asked me to let go, I didn’t want to but keeping it was something he didn’t like. I didn’t want to do things he didn’t like. That would push him away so I said, “If you say so. I’ll do it.”

I went alone to get it done. Today, when I close my eyes or find myself in a dark place, I remember the darkness I descended into when I closed my eyes for the doctor to do what he did. I don’t hear the cries of a baby but I see the dazzling eyes of a baby.

I got rid of it and to show appreciation, he got me a new phone. The only appreciation I wanted from him was to let the other lady go but he told me it was too high a mountain to climb. “Just be patient. I’ll leave her very soon and it will be only us.”

What didn’t I do to prove a point? What didn’t I do to let him know that I’m a better choice? I would cook and stock the fridge with food. The other lady would come and eat and leave the dishes in the sink. I should have been angry but I wasn’t. Instead, I was happy for her bad character. It meant I was winning. When push came to shove, our boyfriend would choose me.

I would complain when I see dishes in the sink. I would complain when I see strands of hair all over the place. I would clean and put things in order and in the process, paint a photo of night and day when it came to the two of us. I was the day.

I slaved to win his love. Even when everything felt insurmountable, I kept hope alive believing he would choose me. He chose the other lady. He broke up with me when their wedding was two weeks away.

I was shuttered but he didn’t spare a second to help pick up my pieces. He was in a hurry to leave my life. He didn’t look back when he rolled up the window of his car and drove away.

On their wedding day, I fell so weak I thought I was going to die. My bones felt brittle. Walking was a chore. I shivered under the scorching sun. I tested for malaria. Malaria was innocent. I was pregnant. His marriage was only a few weeks old but I was carrying his baby.

I called his phone but after the first ring, I cut the call. I put up a question here on Silent Beads that, “I’m pregnant and going to be a single mom. I want to know, how does it feel like to be a single mom?”

The answers helped a lot. No one promised me that it was going to be easy so I’ve armed myself. They asked if I had a job to take care of the baby. Yes, I have a job that comes with good perks and emoluments. They said the experiences differ so I’m ready to walk my own journey and see how it feels like. Nyame Ba said, “Being a single mom is not a disability.” I felt that. They said it’s a blessing. I’ll trust and look forward to when that blessing will fall my way.

I Had Some Hope For Marriage Until He Invited Me To His Wedding

I’ve been very stupid in love but I won’t be twice stupid and get rid of this. I’m keeping it and I won’t tell him anything for now. One day, he’ll call me. He’ll come and apologize for how he treated me, I know. I’ll smile while telling him, “I kept a piece of you when you left. It’s OK if you don’t like it. I’m capable. I’ll do it without you. I just needed to let you know.”

— Cassie

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