My friends tell me not to put all my eggs into one basket. Whenever the issue of my boyfriend comes up, they tell me to try other men. Even my male friends tell me, “As a woman your age, you shouldn’t be faithful to only one man if marriage is what you desire. Especially, when you are with a man who hasn’t done anything to prove his commitment to you.” They tell me to accept the proposal of other men who come into my life and see which of them is serious about marriage.

At thirty-five with a stable job, I know I am ready for marriage. It’s just difficult for me to do what they keep advising me to do. It’s not as if I have not tried. I did but most of the men who come into my life only talk about what they want to do with my body. That kind of conversation puts me off. What kind of serious person starts a relationship with talks of their bedroom skills and the many ways they fantasize about me in their bed?

This is why whenever I try dating another man on the side, I quickly lose interest and end everything. Sometimes I think about ending things with my boyfriend as well. I mean if he had given me some assurance that I had a place in his future, I wouldn’t be in a place to be considering other men in the first place.

Before our relationship officially began, he opened up to me about his past. “I am divorced with three children,” he said, “do you want to be with old goods like me?” He is forty-one now and our relationship began in 2021. He was still in his late thirties then so I laughed when he called himself old goods.

He looked young and carried himself about with a kind of youthfulness that did not spell out old. I am not sure that I would have guessed he had been married before and had three children had he not told me. I also look quite young for my age. You won’t look at me and think that I have given birth before but I have. I am a mum. When I told him I have one child, he said it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him.

In the beginning, he painted a picture of the kind of family we would have. “Even though I am divorced, I haven’t cancelled marriage out of my life. I want to get married again and you are the woman I would like to take that step with.” He seemed invested in my personal growth. Constantly asking questions about my career and where I see myself in the next five years. I saw it as a sign of interest in the life we would have together as husband and wife. So I agreed to give him a chance.

I was brought up to be independent. Everything I have I worked for it. I take care of my child without trying to burden whichever man comes into my life to take on a responsibility as such. It was the same with this boyfriend of mine as well. I never asked him for money or anything material.

In my experience, men don’t always wait for their women to ask for stuff before they give. And I am also the kind of person who likes to match efforts. If I am in a relationship with a man who likes to provide for me despite the fact that I don’t ask for anything, I end up buying them thoughtful gifts and going out of my way to spoil them.

When it comes to him though, I don’t give him anything. That’s because he doesn’t give me anything either. I am not even joking. Right from the moment we started dating, this guy has never given me anything. Not even a safety pin. Meanwhile, he once complained that I have never gifted him anything. How can I when he also hasn’t done the same?

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I know I can go all out and spoil him if I want to but I don’t see any reason to do that. His behaviour gives me the impression that he is not a provider. With all this to think about, I also have to consider the fact that he drags his feet when it comes to the subject of marriage. He always tells me, “When I am ready for marriage, I will let you know.” Every time the subject comes up, that’s what he says.

The other thing too is, that he is always busy. We live in this same country but we see each other at most twice a year. He says it’s because his job is demanding and he goes to school on weekends. I understand how tight his schedule is but I also know that if someone wants to see you, they will make time.

I Found Him In Church Cheating Instead Of Praying

After everything I have seen, I no longer believe it when he tells me he loves me. How can you say you love me but not make time for me? You say you want to marry me but can’t tell me when exactly you would be ready for this marriage. And let’s not forget the part where he has never given me anything since our relationship began in 2021. This is why my friends keep advising me to date someone else. I wish I could but it’s not in my nature to cheat so the moment the other men start expressing sexual expectations, I just forget about them.

Although this man doesn’t make me feel I belong with him, he is always advising me to further my education considering that I am not a business-oriented person. It makes me feel he wants me to do well in life. That’s what makes me stay. Not many men have shown enough care about my financial stability. So I feel if I leave him I won’t meet any man who would want me to develop myself the way he does. Am I wrong for feeling this way despite all the concerns I have about the relationship?

— Laila

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