My boyfriend broke up with me last month. I didn’t see it coming. Maybe that’s why it hurt this bad. The sad part is, I don’t blame him much. I would have left me too, if I was in his shoes. Wait, would I though? No, I would have stayed with him. I believe knowing what I already know about myself would have made me more patient.

I have this thing I do where I disassociate from everything and everyone when I have to work through something troubling. I usually feel my thoughts and emotions are tangled up. And the only way I can detangle them is to have some quiet. According to him, I always acted cold and distant during this period. And it gave him anxiety.

He had quite a list, actually. One of the items on his list was; “You make me feel you resent me because of our different home situations. It’s not more fault you think I grew up more privileged than you. Yet somehow you make me feel bad about it.”

I was surprised to hear these things. “When did I make you feel bad about yourself?”

“You yell at me at the slightest provocation. One may even think I am your younger brother or your firstborn. And let’s not forget,” he added, “that our values do not align.” After pouring his heart out he concluded; “Babe, I want you to know that I still love you.” But he left me anyway. He said it was necessary for his peace and mental health.

I have been a mess since he left. I have been going through the motions in my head, replaying all the times I did him wrong. Although I accept the part I played in all this, I feel misunderstood.

Right from the beginning of the relationship, he knew I like to distance myself when I am going through stuff. He had a problem with it but this is something I have been doing my whole life. How would I just change?

I am not saying I was set in my ways throughout our time together. I am not someone who allows myself to be vulnerable with others. It was hard for me to let that side of me go when we started dating. When he pushed he hit a wall. “Why can’t I get in?” He would ask. “I’m not used to showing others affection or sharing my personal troubles with them,” I would respond.

Little by little, he broke down my walls. He chipped away at my resolve until I started trusting him. Once I felt safe with him, I showed him that vulnerable side of me.

Another thing he complained about at the beginning stages was my poor communication skills. I explained that it was due to my busy schedule. “People always make time for the ones who matter to them,” he said. He was right but this was a situation beyond my control. I didn’t want it to become a problem between us. I sensed he could get tired of me along the way so I tried to break up with him.

He didn’t accept the breakup. “Just because you have a busy schedule does not mean you don’t deserve to be loved. All that matters is that I understand your schedule so I can manage my expectations accordingly.” This reassurance was all I needed to be my true self. I did my best to communicate with him consistently but I became distant and cold when I encountered personal problems. I didn’t think it bothered him until the day he called it quits.

The part where he said I resented him because of his upbringing, didn’t also come up until he was ending things. If he had mentioned something, I would have explained myself to him. I don’t have bad feelings toward him because he comes from a more privileged home than mine. That’s insane.

I only told him, “You are lucky you didn’t have to go through certain things I experienced growing up.” The goal was to get him to be more appreciative of his upbringing. There was nothing more to it. I didn’t say it in an aggressive manner so where from the resentment? Even on days when I got angry and lashed out at him, I never said anything abusive. I only snapped and went distant and cold. I always apologized for my behavior when I calmed down. This is something I am still working on so it’s not as if I didn’t try to change.

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I was also surprised when he said our values didn’t align. This isn’t new to him. His parents are pastors but he told me right from the beginning that he is an atheist. “I am Catholic,” I told him. His lack of belief was a source of concern to me but I kept hoping and praying that he would change. Also, I remained in the relationship because he always encouraged me in my faith and supported me. You see why I didn’t see the breakup coming?

The only thing that happened differently was when I told him that we should stop having sex in the relationship, so I would take my walk with God seriously. To show him that I was serious about taking this step I told him, “If it’s something you feel you can’t do then you can leave. I wouldn’t want you to stay in a sexless relationship for my sake.” Shortly after that conversation, he asked for a breakup.

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While he was listing his reasons he added, “I don’t want you thinking that I’m leaving because you have decided to be celibate. It has nothing to do with the end of us.” Am I supposed to believe this? All his reasons for the breakup don’t make sense. Except this one that he didn’t tie to the breakup.

It hasn’t been easy for me after the breakup. I feel betrayed, sad and angry. I feel pity for myself.
I trusted him to stick with me despite my shortcomings. Or is it that I’m that bad of a woman to stay with? That’s what I want to understand. Was I indeed toxic to him? It’s not as if I didn’t tell him all my issues from the start.

— Yvonne

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