I am currently twenty-six and away from home. I am living in a foreign country. The plan was to hustle, make money, and further my education. All I wanted was a better life for myself so I can be someone useful to my family. I had given myself a timeline to achieve these goals I had set for myself.

I was still in my hustling phase when I met a charming young man. My heart didn’t stand a chance. I fell in love with him before I knew what was happening. Maybe it happened so fast because I was all by myself in this land and he was the first person who felt like home to me. He said he liked me but he felt I was way above his league. I should have taken a cue from that but I didn’t.

Right from the beginning of the relationship, this guy kept saying things like, “My friends don’t believe a woman like you would choose someone like me. They say you may leave me if you meet a better man. Do you think that would happen?” I did my best to assure him that nothing of such nature would happen but he was still not secure in the relationship.

I don’t know the kind of shege someone from his past showed him. All he wanted was for me to build my life around him. If he saw me talking to a man, he would get upset and start a fight. My male friends who were nowhere near me were no exception. Even his own friends talking to me was a problem. He kept fighting with me about these things until I ended up cutting off almost everyone from my life. He became all I had.

Along the line, I found out he lied to me about his age. He made me believe he was older than me but I saw on his official documents that I was two years older than him. I was hurt that he would lie about his own age but at the end of the day, I was already in the relationship. I chose to forgive him and carry on.

What I don’t understand is, that even though I caught him in a lie, I didn’t use it against him. He, on the other hand, hadn’t caught me in anything shady yet he couldn’t trust me. He was excessively jealous for no reason. Constantly assuring him that I was only his became draining. I tried to get him to tone down his insecurities but that didn’t make him happy. He was only at peace if he saw that I was not talking to anyone who wasn’t him.

His issues aside, he was not a bad person. We both worked and took care of each other in our moments of need. He liked to spend money on me even if I didn’t need it but I didn’t let him spend so much. I felt he was doing it in an attempt to keep me. It was all part of his attempt to prove that he was worthy of me. One day I even told him, “Slow down. I am not going anywhere. We are all here to hustle for ourselves. So save your money, don’t spend it all on me.” That was when he slowed down.

I don’t know how it happened but we both lost our jobs at the same time. I was so convinced that I would get another job because I had the certificate but it was not easy. I attended a few interviews but all I got was, “You will hear from us soon.”

My boyfriend on the other hand kept going out and returning with money. I asked him how he was making money but he wouldn’t talk. I am also the type of person who doesn’t force people to tell me what they are not ready to talk about. That’s why I didn’t force him to talk. I gave him space and hoped he would open up in his own time.

I used to have access to his phone but when he became shady, he changed his password. That one too I didn’t question him. I just watched him do his own thing. The more I stayed quiet, the more things unfolded. He started going out or running to the washroom to receive phone calls. I complained but he kept at it.

His behaviour was becoming too much. So one day I decided to ask his friend what was going on. I was in the kitchen texting his friend when he walked in on me and demanded to see who I was chatting with. I refused. When he insisted I said, “You too, give me your password and let me go through your phone.” He also refused. It led to a heated argument. In my anger, I smashed his phone on the ground. I apologized later when I sobered up and he let it go.

As time passed, I became more and more frustrated because I was struggling to get a job. I didn’t even have any friends to talk to. It didn’t help matters when my boyfriend started sleeping out. He said he was working on something with his friend, and it required him to spend the nights there sometimes. I trusted him so much that I didn’t doubt for a second that it wasn’t true.

One day when he was leaving, I jokingly said, “Let me follow you to your friend’s place today.” When we got into the elevator, this guy pushed me out. I knew something was up at that moment so I forced myself back in. He saw my serious face and said he wouldn’t go again. As soon as we got to our door, he turned around and broke into a full sprint, heading for the stairs. I was surprised because we were on the 17th floor. What could be so bad that he would rather run down those stairs than let me follow him?

A week later, he said he wanted to discuss something with me. I had my suspicions but I didn’t expect him to tell me he had found another lady. This same guy that I cut people off for. Made him the center of my life. Someone who always asked me to assure him that I wouldn’t leave him. He was the one leaving me now?

He explained, “The lady has money. All the money I give you comes from her. So give me the permission to date her on the side.” He reminded me that I was still unemployed and dependent on him. So it all came down to money. That was when I understood why some women stayed in toxic marriages. I became so confused. Where would I go?

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I remember one time I was going for an interview. I cooked and texted him that there was stew in the fridge, in case he came around. I was sitting in the interview hall waiting for my turn when this guy called me saying, “My girlfriend saw your message so call her and tell her you mean nothing to me. I am sending you her number.” I was so pained. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I insulted him. That day I believe I failed the interview because of my emotional state.

As I was searching for a job, I met someone who offered me a place because I needed to move out. I was hurting too much to be in his space. On my way out, I took his documents including the passport. Then I reported him to the police for defrauding the lady. He said his relationship with her was a ploy to make money. That’s why I did that. It was something I did out of pain.

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Instead of apologizing, he is threatening to report me to the police if I don’t return his documents. “There is nothing illegal about me leaving you for another woman. After all, you are not my wife.” I am hurt but he is not wrong. We are not married so he is free to leave.

My concern now is the police. I did report him to them for engaging in a love scam. And I know if they get him, things may be bad for him and his friend. I don’t know if I should do something about it or leave them to face whatever would come their way.

— Peggy

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