I started dating him when I was nineteen. I am twenty-one now. I thought we were on the same page but I found out recently that he has a three year old child. This is something he never mentioned until I found out. Even when I did, he was not open about it.
Rather, he said the girl was trying to frame him. “I will have to do a DNA test before I accept that the child is truly mine. I haven’t done the test yet, that’s why I haven’t told you about the child.”
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I did some calculations and figured he must have been twenty-two when he had the child. This was before we met. So why did he feel the need to hide this aspect of his life from me? All the while I thought we had a good relationship, he was hiding something this huge from me? Maybe if he had told me from the start I would’ve decided whether or not to go ahead and be with him.
When we started dating I wasn’t ready for intimacy. I told him, “I want us to keep things celibate. Is that okay with you?” I asked him.
I knew enough to know men expect their physical needs to be met in a relationship. But this guy told me, “It’s fine if you don’t want to do anything. I can manage.” This gave me a profound appreciation for him. I told myself that he must really love me if he was willing to wait till I was ready.
Sometimes I would hear people talk about their cheating partners. These were women who gave their partners intimacy. “I don’t withhold myself from him. Whenever he wants it, I give it to him,” they would say. Whenever I heard these things I would think about my relationship and the fact that I didn’t give my boyfriend everything. Then I would wonder if he was cheating.
I don’t want to be cheated on so I would often tell him, “I know it’s not easy for men to abstain so if you ever feel like you can’t keep being celibate, let me know. I don’t want you to go doing things behind my back.” He always told me he was fine.
I believed him until the issue if his child came up. If he kept this from me then what else was he hiding? Well I found out what else he was hiding after a few months.
He was talking to another girl. When I asked him what was going on between them he dismissed me saying, “It’s not what you think. She’s just a friend. There’s nothing between us.” Even his reaction to the question was suspicious. But I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.
One Saturday we were at the mall when this same lady called him. He picked up and casually told her he was in town playing some games. What did he mean by that? I was annoyed and hurt at the same time.
I told him how I felt, and he immediately started apologizing, saying he was sorry for entertaining her. I didn’t say much after that. However, I sent him a message the next day telling him how much he had changed. “This is not who you were when we started this relationship.” Instead of being open to have a conversation about my concerns, he got angry and responded, “If you think I have changed then go find a better man then.”
This told me he no longer cared. So I ended the relationship. At first, he didn’t care. It was even as if he was waiting for me to leave. But after a while, he started calling me crying. “I am sorry. Please give me another chance,” he would plead.
I was hurt by his behaviour in the end, so I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore and that he needed to work on himself.
He was relentless. He kept coming back, and asking for another chance. I also continued to turn him down. I was determined to never go back to him. However, he showed up at my place unannounced. He lips overflowed with unsolicited explanations. I calmly listened as he admitted that the child was truly his. “I assure you we are no longer together. We are just co-parenting.” He went to say, “As for the other lady who called me when we were at the mall, she is nothing to me. We are just friends,” she swore.
I wanted to be sure before making any decision, so I asked him directly if he was currently talking to anyone. I told him I didn’t want to entertain him if he was in another relationship. He said the only person he had been talking to was the same girl who contributed to our breakup. That made me skeptical about getting back together with him.
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Recently, I found out that they actually started dating. When I confronted him, he claimed he was sorry and only did it because he was bored and because I had left him. He insists he has changed and worked on himself.
Now, I feel confused. Should I cut him off completely, or is there a chance that he has truly changed and we can work things out?
—Gemma
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Cut him off. Can’t you see he is taking you for a fool. If you go back to him he will waste your youthful days because you let him have his way. Please he’s not the only man in the world. There’s a saying that goes like this” fool me once shame on you ,fool me twice shame on me”. It means you will be a fool to allow this to happen to you twice. You have seen all these what else do you want to see in order to believe he has no true intentions for you? A word to the wise is enough.