Do you remember your first heartbreak? It’s shattering, isn’t it? The fact that you put this person you love on a pedestal convinced you that they will never hurt you. But then they do, and everything you believe about love morphs into something unpleasant. You hear the word “love” and you feel pain. Someone new comes along and tries to win your heart, and you treat them like the enemy. You go through life with a vow, “I will never fall in love again.” Or “I will never get into another relationship.” And it isn’t because you don’t want love or affection. It is just because you are scared of giving another human the power to hurt you again. I have been there. I have felt all of these things in ways I cannot begin to explain. And I clutched onto my vow not to enter another relationship again like a life jacket.

Whenever someone told me, “It’s been a while since your break up. So put yourself out there again. Maybe the next person will be Mr Right.” I would just look at them and say, “Or they could be another heartbreak waiting to happen. I will not risk my heart and go through that again.” And I held on to this conviction until I ran into an old schoolmate of mine. Like wine, Duke aged well. All the boyish features he possessed were gone. He exuded masculinity in an appealing way. Way back in high school, he tried to be my boyfriend but I didn’t give him my attention. But after meeting him again, I was ready to say yes before he would even ask the question. We exchanged contacts and went our ways, but he stayed on my mind throughout the day.

After my past relationship, I couldn’t fathom the thought of loving anyone again but, after I met Duke, I knew that he was mine to love. “Do you remember how I used to follow you around when we were in school?” He asked me one day. I felt nostalgic at the memory and gave a burst of hearty laughter, “Yes, I do. You were always clingy.” “Well, I loved you then, and seeing you after all these years has rekindled that love. You rejected me in the past, but will you accept to be with me now?” He asked.

Without missing a breath, I said yes. I want to say that agreeing to be with him is one of the best things to ever happen to me. He knows all about my past so he constantly reassured me of his love. For the first time in a long while, I was happy. But my happiness was accompanied by fear. I was afraid that he would wake up one day and decide to leave me the way my ex did. He didn’t do anything to make me think he would do that but the fear was there.

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So imagine how I felt when he started growing distant. I don’t know what was going on with him, but he spoke to me less and became secretive all of a sudden. The trust and transparency we built our relationship on began to waiver. One day, he would be all sweet and charming like the Duke I fell in love with. But the next day, he would be distant and guarded. I did not like the inconsistency. It made me more afraid. The signs were similar to what my ex exhibited before he left me. So I concluded that Duke was also going to leave me. That’s why every time we engage in an argument I would tell him, “If you don’t want me anymore, just leave.” Sometimes I even broke up with him. Then I would go back and apologize after I come to my senses.

I have asked him several times, “Is there someone else?” And every time, he shows me that there is no one else but me. I want to believe him, but I have this feeling that there is another woman in the picture. Just recently, we got into another argument. He was being secretive again. He wouldn’t tell me where he goes, and who he talks to. So I asked him, “Do you not want me anymore? Is that why you don’t want to involve me in your life?” He sighed heavily and said, “Believe what you want and do what you want. Our relationship is only seven months but you have broken up with me twice already. I am tired.”

Why Do Men Leave After Sex? –Beads Media

I felt broken when he said this. It felt as if he has given up on us. I don’t want to lose him so I called him the next morning and apologized. He accepted my apology but he is withdrawn. Please, I don’t want to lose him. I know he reads stories on this platform so I am using this medium to reach out to him. I want him to know that I love him very much, that I don’t want to lose him and that he should forgive me for being so insecure.

–Duchess

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