In the beginning, my mum said I was snatching someone’s husband. She could not believe that of all the men I could have, I chose to be with a man who is separated from his wife. Currently, that is his situation, but it is only because his wife and her family have refused to give him a divorce. “We had a customary marriage, so I need both our families’ participation to get a divorce. My family supports my decision but my in-laws are the ones holding me hostage in this marriage,” he confided in me.

Eric thought it wise to tell me everything about his failed marriage right when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He wanted me to know what I was getting myself into beforehand. Although I appreciated that he told me the truth, I did not believe him at first. I thought it was one of those lines married men use to hook their unsuspecting victims. They tell you they are going through a divorce only for you to find out later that their marriage is perfectly fine. I wanted to avoid a situation like that so I did my own investigations about Eric.

I found out through my digging that everything he told me was the truth. In fact, he has been going back and forth with his in-laws for years before I came into the picture. They wouldn’t agree to break the marriage so he moved out and got his own place. He takes care of his children but has nothing to do with his wife.

After I was sure that he was not trying to play me, I decided to date him. The more I got to know him, the more I understood why his wife didn’t want to let him go. The man is calm, collected, and very God-fearing. When he loves, he does not withhold himself from the one he loves. I can literally feel the purity of his love from the way he looks at me. He helps me grow in every aspect of my life. Eric is a good man. It’s too bad his marriage didn’t work out. But then again, his wife’s loss is my gain, so sorry not sorry.

A few months into our relationship, I took him home to my family. My parents loved him, how could they not? Everything was going great until he opened his mouth and told them about his situation with his wife. My dad kept his cool and asked him a lot of questions. He wanted to make sure that he had no intention of going back to his wife. And he was satisfied with the answers Eric gave him. My mother on the hand was visibly displeased. She couldn’t even fake a smile for my sake.

After Eric left she told me, “Why did it have to be someone’s husband? Did you hear what he said? He said he will never go back to his wife. And it is all because of you. Must you snatch another woman’s husband to find a man? Please, let him go.” I tried to explain that Eric’s situation has nothing to do with me, but she wouldn’t listen. She chose to put herself in the other woman’s shoes and pass judgment on me.

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I was hurt that my own mother would think so lowly of me, because of whom I have chosen to love. However, I was determined to win her over to our side. So I spent a lot of time talking to her and explaining the situation to her. It felt like I was convincing her to go to war with me. I had to employ several strategies and appeal to her maternal instincts. “Ma, if Eric was your son, would you want him to be in a marriage where he is mostly silenced by his wife and her family?” I often asked her. By and by, she came to see things my way. “You know this man better than I do, so if you are sure that he is the one for you, then I will let you be,” she intoned. After she said that, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

While I was excited that my mother gave us her blessing, I noticed that Eric was gradually withdrawing from me. “What’s wrong my dear? My mother is on our side now. We won.” He shook his head, “I am not sure about us anymore. Look at how you went out of your way to get your mother’s approval. She is not in our relationship but it feels like she dictates whether or not we should be together. My meddling mother-in-law is the reason I had to leave my marriage. She manipulated the marriage through her daughter. So I won’t make that mistake again. Your mother’s behavior is a red flag for me.”

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I have done my best to assure him, “My mother is not meddlesome. She is just being protective like any mother would.” Nonetheless, his mind is made up. He believes my mother will use me as a puppet and dictate the pace of our marriage, should he marry me. Because of this, he is very indifferent when I broach the subject of marriage.

The number of times he calls and texts me has reduced. He leaves me out of his plans. He basically acts as if we don’t have a relationship anymore. So I asked him, “Are we still together? Because this doesn’t feel like a relationship to me.” In the past, he would have said, “Why would you even ask me that? I am with you for the long haul, so rest your mind.” Now, he only tells me that he doesn’t know where we stand. Is it that he is scared of the future and needs space to work out his feelings? Or he just doesn’t want me anymore? What do I do now? I do not want to waste my time with a man who isn’t interested in spending the rest of his life with me.

—Celia

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