I found her in school—at the university. We were in the same class together. I spotted her the very first day we went to class. She was seated very close to me. I didn’t know her a lot to propose to her. We were all new in class so I decided to allow time to work its magic on us. At any given opportunity, I let her know that I wanted to be her friend. She had too many friends already so she didn’t look my way. It was in the second year that we both became group members. I had time to talk to her. We became study mates and through that, I made my intentions known to her. At first, she said no. She said she had gone through so much that she wouldn’t date again unless there was a clear-cut roadmap that will lead us to marriage. I said, “Believe me. After school, I will get a job. I will work hard in the first year and save a lot of money so I can marry you the following year.”

She laughed. She said, “It’s easier said than done. It’s not easy out there like you make it sound. Just look for someone else and leave me alone.” I didn’t. I persevered until she said yes to me. That was the second year second semester. We became inseparable. We went to church together, studied together, and talk a lot about the future; the number of children we were going to have, where we would live when we marry, and how we will manage our money and build our dream house. We had time and had a lot of dreams so whenever we met, we dreamt together. 

She went home for vacation and came with bad news. It wasn’t about the death of a relative or the death of a parent. She said, “When I went home my father introduced me to a guy he says is the son of his long-time friend. The guy lives in the UK. My father wasn’t explicit about it but I think he wants me to marry the guy. From the way he speaks about him and the way he was advising me to listen to everything he tells me, I believe that is his intention.” I asked him, “So what do you also think? Do you love him? Is he someone you’ll like to date?” She answered, “No. Not at all. I’m already in a relationship so why will I think about another person?” 

Whenever the guy called her, she told me. Sometimes, I will be with her and the guy will call. She will put him on a loudspeaker so I can listen to what the guy was saying. From all indications, the guy was in love. I told her to cut him off. She said, “I can’t just cut him off like that. He’ll complain to my father and my dad will be on my case. I know what I want and what I want is not him. Don’t be jealous. Everything will work out just fine.” She assured me but I wasn’t feeling fine about the presence of the guy between us. He was like a competitor I had to beat. He sent her money often. When he spoke to her, she asked her what she wanted and she will also name things. Soon those things will fall on her lap just like manna fell on the lap of those guys in the bible. 

It was too much than I could bear so I told her, “It’s ok if you can’t cut him off but I beg of you, stop telling me about him and what he does for you. I think if I don’t hear about him, I can pretend he doesn’t exist so I can continue living life without looking over my shoulders.” She listened and stopped talking about him but I wasn’t comfortable. I realized it was a bad idea not to know what my competitor was doing so I asked her, “So that guy, is he still there?” She will ask me, “What guy?” I will answer, “Your UK guy.” “You said I should not talk about him to you so let’s forget it.” I will beg her until she tells me about him. He was there. He was still sending her money. And then she will say, ”You have nothing to fear. It’s you I want.”

When we completed the university, she took me home. I met her mother and met her father too. She introduced me to them as a friend who helped her greatly in school. “Daddy, had it not been this guy, I wouldn’t have graduated. He did everything for me including my project work.” They thanked me and the father said, “That’s what good friends do. They bring the right kind of light into the path of each other so each one can see the road.” 

School was done. She was living in Accra. I was living in Koforidua. We made plans to do our national service in Accra so the two of us can be closer. We were lucky. We were both posted to Accra. Our dreams of being closer came to pass. She didn’t need to rent a place to do her service. I had to rent a place and I did. Every weekend, I went to her house to visit her. She will cook and I will eat some. One day I went to visit and her father started giving me attitude. When I greeted him, he didn’t respond. Her mother responded but there was no energy in her response. I was inside with her when her father came to call her. When she came back, she told me, “Let’s go outside.” I asked her, “Why?” She said, “I will tell you later. Let’s go.” She didn’t look happy. I knew something was wrong. 

I was outside with her when her father came to sit next to us. He said, ”Gentleman. I don’t know if my daughter has told you but let me say it. My daughter has a fiancé. In fact, they will marry very soon. I’m not comfortable with the way you come here often and I don’t like the way you stay with her in her room when you come around. I don’t think her fiancé will be happy to see that. So please, reduce the number of times you come around and when you come, please sit outside.” My girlfriend shouted, “What fiancé? Did I tell you that I’ve accepted his proposal? Why are you forcing me to be with who I don’t want to be with?” 

I stopped going there. She was coming to me but not often. Just when we were about to finish national service, she called to tell me that she has agreed to marry the guy. I screamed, “What? What are you telling me? What happens to our plans? I will get a job right after service, remember? I will work hard and save for a year, remember? I will marry you the following year. We have only two years to achieve all that so why would you turn your back on me?” She answered, “My father thinks differently. He says I can’t marry my mate. The condition out there doesn’t allow it. But that’s not even the issue. The pressure is becoming too much on me. I’m only twenty-five years old. Is too much for me, the thinking you guys are making me think. I can’t. I can’t continue like that…”

I spent every minute of my days trying to talk her out. I went to her office several times just to tell her to reason with me. I even knelt in front of her, begging her not to do it. She said, “You think I don’t love you? I really do. I will give up so many things to be with you. And the truth is if you were working and living in your own place, I would have left my parents’ house to your place until we are married but see us. It’s a long road we are on. Please let me cut it here so we can both have peace.” 

That was how everything ended. She left me in August. She had a traditional wedding in December. In January, she had a grand wedding. A lot of my mates attended and they shared photos on their statuses and timelines. I couldn’t go. I couldn’t even bring myself to watch the photos my friends posted. Some mates came into my inbox to tease me. They thought they were playing but they didn’t know they were playing with a hurting heart. I blocked all of them. May was her birthday. She sent me a message, “So now you hate me so much that you can’t even wish me a happy birthday? Are we enemies?” I responded, “Of course, we are not enemies. Happy birthday.”

So that day we started talking. She would say hello and I will respond. We didn’t have so much to talk about so we lingered on words and other unimportant stuff until I asked her, “So how’s married life?” She answered, “Full of regrets, and had I known. I should have listened to my parents. Now they are the ones happy while I’m here feeling lonely and regretful.” 

Her husband was working to get her to join him in the UK so she was waiting for him but as she waited, she contemplated everything and thought it was a bad idea to have married him. I asked, “Why do you regret it?” She answered, “There’s nothing about him that I like. We’ve been married for five months now but we can’t even keep a conversation going for over a minute. After the how are you and I’m fine, we are stuck.” I told her to be patient. “Love grows. It will come, so don’t push it.” I was telling her all that but I was missing her and wishing she would leave the marriage and come to me. A day before she traveled to the UK, she wanted to visit me. We planned it but I didn’t have the courage to see through the plan. I gave excuses until she left.

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We continued talking. She said she wanted to leave the guy because he doesn’t have time for the marriage. Anytime we talked, there were different issues. Two years later, she’s back in Ghana with a baby. Nothing has changed. I still want her and she still wants me. I went to meet her at the airport when she came. She was still that girl I was with. Very beautiful. She said, “Look at what I have here. He could have been ours, had it not been my parents.” 

She’s still in Ghana. Everything is pushing us to be together again. I can’t move on. Every thought I have is about her. I’m working. Life isn’t as I wanted it to be but I’m grateful for what I have and also tell myself, “If only you stayed, our plans would have materialized because I’m working now.” She is ready to see me. We even plan to have a night together but we plan and I later run away from my own plans. It’s getting dangerous. I wouldn’t want another man to sleep with my wife so I don’t want to do it to another man’s wife. I want to forget about her but it’s difficult. I’ve tried. I’ve prayed. I’ve fasted about it but I keep going back to her. I keep planning sinful things with her. In my thoughts, she’s my wife and I have every right to do to her whatever I wish but…

I’m asking, what’s the easiest way to let her go and not think about her? I tried blocking her but when I did I suffered. Is there any other way? A way I can only be her friend without thinking of doing things to her?

–Randy

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