Dear God, 

I’m also your daughter. I saw what you did for Agnes. She found a man. One year later they got married. I saw what you did for my aunt’s daughter. Their wedding was beautiful. The food was good. They dated for two years. Everything looks like a fairy tale in their lives right now. Fafa and her husband dated for six years but today they are married. Her husband bought her a new car on her thirty-fifth birthday. These are stories I’ve seen with my own eyes. Whenever I think of these stories, I think about the weaver of the stories. I see one common thread that runs through all these stories. The thread that runs through all of it is happiness and happiness can only come from you. You made these stories possible. So why is my story different? This one I’m dating, are you sure you gave him to me? Do you have a hand in it? Is it going to end the way I’ve seen you do your works? 

Just be plain with me and I will understand. Are you the weaver of my story? Because I can’t understand it.

You know how it all started so I’m not going to bore you with details but in case you’ve forgotten, take a chair and let me tell you how it all started. 

I’ve had four different boyfriends since I started dating at the age of twenty-one. I knew your word and I resolved to follow it until I get married. You remember Francis, right? That tall guy with a gap in his teeth. You remember how I met him and how I fell head over heels in love with him, right? You know my heart and you know I didn’t want to say yes to him but that guy was so persistent. He started pursuing me when I was only eighteen years old. We were in church together so we saw each other often. He was beautiful. Most girls in my age at the time fell for him. Well, maybe because he came from a rich family or maybe he had a car at that time. Or maybe it was because he was beautiful. I don’t know but every lady I knew in the church wanted to be his friend but I’m the one he chose.

For three years he pursued me. He bought me chocolate on Val’s day. He bought me a cake on my nineteenth birthday and bought me a watch on my twentieth birthday. He was the first guy to do all that for me. On my twenty-first birthday when he came with another proposal, I accepted it. But the conditions were clear right from the beginning; “No sex until marriage.” I was only a girl but I fought all temptations with all my might to ensure that the condition was maintained. Two years later, he left me. You are a witness to that moment. You are the only one who had access to my heart so you know the kind of pain I went through. 

I tried to get him back. Before I knew it, he was in another relationship with someone I knew in the church. The reason for the breakup was funny but between you and me, we know that he left because he couldn’t get what he wanted from me. For two years he used all means to get me to sleep with him but I declined. God, I think at this point you have to give me some credit because it’s not easy following your will but I tried. I stood my ground. I lost but I left with my pride up high because I knew I didn’t lose anything—well, I lost all the gifts I would have had from him but I knew that greater gift come from you God so I didn’t mind.

Then Philip came along. Another son of a rich man in the church. Ok, let me also give you credit for bringing only wealth into my life. I don’t know what I did for you to favor me this way but hey, you were good to me. Philip was filling the holes created by Francis. He got me bigger gifts. He showered me with compliments. He took me to interesting places. God, you remember that day, right? When I was in my bed with a pen and a piece of paper writing the reasons why Philip was a better choice than Francis. I know you remember everything I wrote that day. At the end of the note I wrote, “I don’t miss Francis. I have Philip to thank for. He’s the filler of the vacuum Francis created. He has proven himself worthy. If both of them were phones, Philip would be the Pro max version.”

And then Philip started developing cravings for the same things Francis craved for. I started getting scared. God, you were there with me because I prayed that day for you to take away that cup from me. You didn’t understand my prayers and I will blame you for that. All I said was “Take away this cup from me.” I was talking about the troubles Philip was bringing. The trouble was the cup but you took my prayers literally and took Philip away from me. I should have learned a lesson from the original person who first said that prayer. You didn’t mind him though he was your son. I don’t know why I believed you would care for me.

Philip was out of love with me because he didn’t have his cravings fulfilled. I started questioning my belief. I started shaking in the faith I’d chosen for myself. My heart was at all the wrong places when Martha told me, “When it comes to relationships, everything works but everything doesn’t work. Ask those you think are happy in their marriages. Ask them if they stayed chaste until marriage. Go on and do your research. It doesn’t also mean everyone who is happy in marriage had it before marriage. That’s why I’m saying everything works but everything doesn’t work. If you think you’ll remain chaste, by all means, go ahead but know also this. Being chaste before marriage doesn’t promise anything. It adds no flavor to the end result so think about it and choose your poison well.”

I said to myself, “The next one that comes along, if his heart is at the right place and looks like his head is screwed correctly on his neck, I would give him the chance and see. After all, nothing ventured. Nothing gained.” 

I met Kojo. The only guy I dated outside of the church. He looked like he was created from linen. He spoke well and acted decently. There was something about him I couldn’t figure out well so I was hesitant. When he started craving for magic, I didn’t even look at him. When he tried to force his way through me, I looked at his face and told him, “It’s over. I thought you were different.” That relationship lasted for only four months. It didn’t hurt me but it hurt that they all come and crave for the same thing. So God, if you remember, immediately after that relationship I came to you in prayers. I asked only one simple question; “Why do you bring people who want what I can’t offer my way? Is it your way of testing my faith? If that is the case, haven’t I proven myself faithful enough to deserve the crown?” 

You didn’t answer my questions but I knew you heard me and I saw the smirk on your face while seated on your heavenly throne. God, this your sense of humor isn’t funny at all but we move. Who am I to question your sense of humor when you’re the creator of it all. 

I’m thirty-two currently. I was thirty-one when you brought this guy with the name of that sugar brand my way; Louis. I told you, “God, I’m tired. This should be the last man. This should be the one who finally takes me to the altar because if this one goes away, I will take it as you don’t want me to marry. I will buy forms and enter the convent to become a catholic nun though I’m not a catholic.” I was serious with you God. I was desperate for you to listen to me just once but look at what Louis is doing to me.

He is the first man I’d kiss. He’s the first man I had allowed to touch me where angels fear to tread. I thought if I give half, he would see the potential and stick around. So far he’s sticking but it’s his behavior that I don’t understand. Ever since we started dating, he’d never bought me anything. Whenever it’s getting to an occasion where he would have to buy a gift, he would find a reason to disappear and reappear when the event is over. Last year Xmas he said his mother was seriously sick so he was traveling to see her. She went there and never called. Not even merry Xmas to me. I saw him again on the 2nd of January. He asked me, “Where’s my Christmas gift?” On his birthday, I bought him gifts. On my birthday last year, he said his car’s exhaust pipe wasn’t blowing smoke very well so he had spent all his money on fixing it. 

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As I’m talking to you right now, he has blocked me on Whatsapp. What was my mistake? I promised to call him and I didn’t call. He’s been avoiding my calls. He’s fighting me while I’m not fighting. Then I remembered next week is my birthday. He’s doing everything within his power to avoid buying me a gift. God, is this one too your creation? Where was he when you were adding the element of gift to the soil you used to create men like Francis and Philip? This one simply doesn’t care but he’s the one who is sticking around just fine. He’s the one who is not craving for the magic that destroyed Francis and Philip. He’s the one who really means it. God, is this one of your dry jokes?

I want to leave him. I’m waiting for him to unblock me so I send him the message you saw me writing last night. I can’t allow this to continue just because he’s not craving for magic. I tried to see if he’s cheating. But no cheating man will give you his password. No cheating man will allow you to answer his calls in the night. No cheating man is this frank when it comes to his relationship with other women. But what do I do with a man who disappears for days and come with excuses? What do I do with a man who will find a reason to fight only when it’s getting to an occasion he will have to buy a gift? What will I do with a man who comes to eat from my plate and still doesn’t see the need to fill the plate again? What will I do with a man who takes a loan from me and pretend that transaction never happened? 

So, God, I’m writing this open letter to you so you know how desperate I am for answers. I’ve come to you in secret so many times but you keep pulling those dry tricks on me. Today, I’m here in the open asking you why you’re treating me this way. Am I not your daughter? Or you say I should buy the convent forms next year? Speak to me. 

–J.O.M 

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