Sometimes I feel sad when I think about the fact that I am a twenty-two-year-old, who doesn’t have a thriving love life. I know that some people will say I am too young to worry about something like this. And sometimes I agree with them, but sometimes when I look at girls my age who are completing school, with boyfriends and their entire future mapped out, I feel like I am missing out. I am a Christian who believes in living my life to please God. There are times I wonder if this is why I have such ill luck with men. 2018 for instance, I experienced close to four heartbreaks before the year ended. All because I refused to put out my cookie in exchange for love. It was not easy. Everyone who came bearing love turned away from me the moment I tell them, “I believe in no  shuperu before marriage.”

After those experiences, I thought I would never find a God-fearing man who would love me and respect my values. But that thought changed when a friend introduced me to Alex. He was everything I asked God for in a man. His love for God was reflected in everything he did. That made it so easy for me to fall in love with him. He often encouraged me to serve God with everything I have. Our relationship was a sweet one but it was also a very short one. I loved him so much that when things didn’t work out I was left with a lot of anger and bitterness.

After him, I decided to quit dating and focus on myself. I gave myself a two-year break to just focus on understanding myself and building a relationship with God. Through this period I let go of the anger and bitterness and made friends with Alex again. Then the Covid-19 pandemic came and schools were closed. Our long stay at home led us to form a small family unit. The members were me Alex, Lilian, George, Greg, and Clinton. Our closeness was enviable. For us to find strength in each other during such a difficult time was something comforting. Everything was peaceful until George said he had feelings for me. I found his interest in me offensive. This was because the guy had a girlfriend who lived far away. So I felt he was just looking for a warm body, and not love. I didn’t want to make things awkward in our group so I tolerated his profession of love and turned him down politely.

In April 2021, I was a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding. During the ceremony, I met a guy named David. We got along well and we enjoyed each other’s company. Before the wedding ended we exchanged contacts. I liked him so I kept in touch with him. He was forthcoming and open with his feelings at the beginning of the relationship. He made it clear that he wanted to be with me. I remember him saying, “I fell in love with you the very moment I saw you walking up the aisle in the bridal procession. And now that I have gotten to know you, all want is for you to be mine. Will you be my girlfriend?” By that time I had also fallen in love with him so I said yes.

My feelings for him overrode my mission to be celibate until marriage, and we ended up having shuperu. After the post-coital bliss cleared from my system, I felt so guilty about what we did. David is also a born-again Christian so I had an honest conversation with him. I told him, “My spirit is not happy with me for what we did. I have been praying and asking God for forgiveness since it happened but I don’t feel forgiven. How has the experience been for you?” He shrugged and said, “I feel normal. I think you are just making mountains out of molehills. This isn’t something you should lose sleep over. It’s just sex, everyone is doing it.” This made me confused. I kept asking myself, “How can someone who claims to be born again not see fornication as wrong?” Our relationship is a long-distance one so I started wondering if he was cheating on me.

Another thing he did was that he never spent money on me. I am not saying he should take care of me as if I were his child. But would it hurt if he bought me gifts once in a while? Once, there was a very important event in my life and I asked David to be present for me but he gave me a silly excuse and didn’t show up. He did a few other things too that made me doubt his love for me. So I asked him, “You say you love me but your actions prove otherwise. How do you treat me this way and consider yourself my boyfriend?” His reply just made me mad. Seriously, who tells a girl; “If you don’t consider yourself my girlfriend then you are just my shag mate.” That is the deepest any man has ever cut me.

READ MORE: I Am Playing A Dangerous Game With Another Man’s Wife

When all this happened I kept thinking about Alex. All I wanted to do was to run back into his arms because seriously, I still love that man. I believe that a part of me will always love him. He is still in my life but he confuses me with the way he communicates with me. Sometimes it seems he is still interested in me, other times he seems too busy to give me attention. I know I shouldn’t allow him to have such power over my emotions but I can’t help myself. The way he loves the Lord and the work of God is what does it for me. Let me also add that we have amazing chemistry. If only he would love me back the same way I love him, it will all fall into place.

Just recently, a friend asked me if I still believe in love. I just smiled and told him that love has not failed me but it is those who said they love me who have failed me. For now, I am waiting on God as I move with the flow. I know if  Alex is the one for me, God will make it happen when the time is right. As for David, I have every reason to walk away from him considering the fact that our relationship causes me to sin against God. If God decides to bring someone new my way too, I am willing to accept His will. Until then, I patiently wait on God.

–Lizzy

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