It started very small, innocuous and harmless. It looked like something that will never hurt so I closed my mind on it until it started growing into something that bites. We met his friends and we shook hands. He felt the handshake was taking longer so he held my hand and pulled it from the hand of his friend. 

“You can’t shake her hand for this long,” he said. “Let go and let’s go.” 

It sounded funny so we laughed. On our way going he told me it wasn’t a joke. He told me how dangerous his friends were when it comes to women. “They don’t care that you’re mine. They can snatch you from me without thinking twice about it,” he told me. I answered, “And you call them friends? Friends who take the girlfriend of their friends can’t be friends.” I looked back at them and told him not to worry because none of them was my kind of guy. 

Something like that can’t hurt. It felt like he was genuinely concerned about me and was warning me against a hazard that could befall me if care wasn’t taken. Our relationship was that young so we didn’t know each other that well. I was learning. He was loving me. I was excited. For Once, the world was a better place with him by my side so I didn’t complain. 

A year later I started noticing a trend I felt was worrying. He was overly insecure about everything and didn’t try to hide it. I went to a program without him and all through the program he called and asked questions. “When is the program closing? Who did you go with? Why is the music this loud? Why is the DJ playing love songs? Are you sure no one is hitting on you?” 

It got frustrating, so I stopped picking up his calls. Around 7pm I called to tell him I was on my way home. He was angry but I didn’t care about him at that moment. I got home and a few minutes later, he was knocking on my door. “I came to check if you’re indeed in the house,” he told me. He came inside, looked around the room, looked under the bed and said, “Great. You came home alone.” He was about to leave when I pulled him back with questions; “Help me understand this. Who don’t you trust, me or yourself?”

“It’s not a matter of trust. It’s just a matter of securing what’s important to me,” he answered. He went on talking about how beautiful I am and how every man would like to have me in their life and all. I told him, “It’s you I chose and you’re enough for me. If you don’t trust other men to remain faithful, how about me your girlfriend? Don’t you trust that I can be faithful to you? If you don’t trust my faithfulness then what are we doing here?” 

He looked at my face and gave me that innocent smile; “You don’t understand. It’s very complicated than it appears and it’s not wrong for me to ensure your safety. Please allow me.”

The level of his insecurity grew wild every now and then. By the time we turned two years together, we had broken up twice and had come back together twice. I was suffocating and I told him about it. He made the world look so small for me with his constant monitoring of my movement and actions. His reason for doing that changed every day. Some days, he blamed it on other men. Other times he blamed it on the world. He blamed me for being beautiful and told me he was scared someone would take me away from him.

“Richard, this is me. You always talk about beauty I myself don’t even see it. Where’s the beauty that you won’t allow the world to rest? Even the boyfriend of Miss universe goes to bed and sleeps. What beauty that you won’t allow me to rest? It’s you who love me and want me. The rest of the world doesn’t care so please give me some freedom to be myself.”

I was with him when my mother called. I stayed quiet and listened to what she was saying. If I had to answer, I would say “OK,” or “Yooo.” This guy didn’t understand why I would be on the phone and say nothing. Immediately I hang up he rushed on me; “Who was that? Why didn’t you say anything? Is it because I’m here? No, I want to know who that is.” Even when I told him it was my mother, he screamed, “Liar! Call her again and let’s see if it’s indeed your mom.” 

I gave him the phone and he indeed called. My mom said hello and he cut the line. I took my phone and walked out. We broke up that day because I couldn’t stand it. I was tired and drowning at the same time. He came to apologize. We talked extensively that day. I asked about his past, there was nothing there to blame. I asked what will make him stop and he told me, “I’m going to marry you soon and once you become my wife, this whole thing will stop. Once you’re my wife, I’ll rest knowing I’ve won the battle.” “This isn’t a battle Richard. This is a love story and we can write it the way we want without suspecting the world of malice.” 

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I was attending a classmate’s wedding and wanted to go with him. He declined with the excuse that he didn’t want to go there and be lonely since he didn’t know anyone there. I dressed up and was about to leave when he called that he was almost at my end so I should wait for him. Immediately he saw me, he screamed, “Oh naaa. You can’t go to a wedding looking like that. He held my eyelashes and plucked them out. Even when I was screaming in pain, he didn’t care. He picked a cloth and started cleaning my makeup. “Are you the one being wedded that you’ll go looking like that? No, this is too much. Who are you going to impress? I’m here and I’m already impressed with your beauty. You don’t have to do more.”

We broke up again that day and again he came to apologize. This time around, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him again so he sought the help of my senior sister. I asked her not to add her voice or else I would be very angry with her too. He called my mom too and discuss it with her. My mom asked about the issues and I told her. She laughed it off as if it was nothing. She told me, “It’s OK for a man to love you to that extent. He’s protecting his space and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just be his woman and he’ll always protect you.”

When we came back together, he started talking about marriage. He’s ready to do it as soon as possible. I don’t want to marry him until I see a positive change but he thinks that change will come after marriage. “When you wear my ring, I’ll rest assured that no one can take you away from me. When I sleep, I’ll sleep soundly because, in the end, I’m the one who won.” 

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Does it make sense? Can I believe his explanation? 

I’ve read enough to know that marriage doesn’t change bad behaviours but rather escalates them. That’s my fear, that I’ll marry this guy and he’ll continue suffocating me with his jealousy and insecurity. Please help me decide. Forever with a man who’ll remove my wig and take off my eyelashes would be some kind of prison I don’t want to be in. Should I trust him? 

–Melissa

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