Our tribal differences never crossed my mind until the day he took me to meet his parents. I’m an Ashanti. He’s an Ewe. We met during our master’s program and fell in love. He was very helpful to me so the day he proposed, though I was not in a good place emotionally, I said yes. Hoping things will turn out well in the end.

He understands Twi so we mostly speak Twi or English when we talk but one thing I noticed early in our relationship was that whenever he spoke to his parents or siblings, he spoke Ewe. I wouldn’t understand anything but in the end, he would turn to me and say, “My mom extends her greetings.” Or “My dad said he can’t wait to see you.”

I was delighted to know he took the relationship seriously enough to talk to his parents about me. I couldn’t wait to meet them either. To me, it was a sign that our relationship had been accepted by his parents.

I took him home first to meet my family. Everything went well. He was happy with the way my family treated him. It was my mom who cooked and served him. My dad sat with us while he ate. He threw in some relationship advice and told us to remain committed if we wanted to go far. When we returned to our base, we planned on when to meet his people. Our relationship was a little over a year old.

He kept postponing. The reasons he gave for the postponement made a lot of sense so I didn’t fight it. We were always happy in the relationship so I didn’t have any worries concerning the postponement until we finally set off one dawn to go and meet them. The first thing I realized was that his parents couldn’t speak the Twi very well but they spoke impeccable English.

They didn’t smile when they met me. His mother said, “Welcome my daughter” and started talking to my boyfriend in Ewe. As for his dad, he greeted me in Ewe, when I didn’t understand, he said something to my boyfriend before he greeted me again in English. I was with them at a table but I didn’t hear a word of what they said. I didn’t know what they were discussing, but my boyfriend wasn’t smiling. I felt unwelcome and uncomfortable around them.

In the evening when we were left alone, I asked him what they said and he responded, “It’s nothing important. Just family issues.” I asked, “Have you told them the reason we are here?” He said, “They already know, that’s why we are here.” I told him, in fact, I pleaded with him to tell his parents to speak English when I’m around so I can at least understand what they are saying. He told me he couldn’t do that because his parents would be angry but he’ll try to speak English and see if they’ll respond.

READ ALSO: How Do I Convince My Wife To Stop Shaving Off Her Hair?

It didn’t work. They always spoke Ewe and that left me feeling like a lost stranger. The night before our departure, we were in the hall watching TV. For two days they didn’t engage me. The only thing I heard from them were greetings. That evening I decided to engage them. It was terrible. They answered my questions in Ewe expecting my boyfriend to interpret it to me. It got to a point, where the parents were laughing about something but my boyfriend kept a straight face, he was trying hard to swallow what was going on so I don’t get a gist. I left the hall and went to our room. He didn’t come until hours later.

He said, “They were angry when you left without asking permission.” I told him, “Oh they saw my absence? I thought they didn’t see my presence so my absence wouldn’t mean anything to them.”

We had a mini argument. Everything showed something was going on but he wasn’t willing to tell me. The next day when we were leaving, I said goodbye to them and smiled. They didn’t smile back. I told my boyfriend, “I’m never coming back here again. They don’t like me. It’s obvious but you won’t say it.”

In the car back home, he was silent while I kept bombarding him with questions. He said I was exaggerating. I knew what I saw so I wouldn’t allow him to explain it differently to me.

When we got to our destination, I told him, “Your parents want you to marry someone else, don’t let us pretend and waste each other’s time.” He said I was getting it wrong, yet didn’t tell me what was the right thing. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and kept going on with him. He’s a great guy. The only guy who made me feel I belonged to his future. Every decision he took he involved me. When he had issues with his siblings, he told me about it.

We attended the wedding of one of his cousins. His whole family were there. I dreaded meeting them but I thought meeting the whole family would be different than meeting only the parents. It wasn’t different. In fact, it was worse. He introduced me to his brother. We were speaking English but right after the introduction, his brother shifted to Ewe. The same with his sisters and one aunt.

I was like, “So if I marry into this family, I have to take a course in Ewe before I can relate to them? Why’s everyone like that?”

Again, his parents treated me like they hadn’t met me before yet my boyfriend told me they liked me. I said, “Eii, then what manner of love is that? When you like someone, you talk to them in a language they understand. You acknowledge their presence. But what I see here is different.”

One thing about my boyfriend, when it comes to his family, he would defend them with every blood in him. He’ll make them look right even if that makes you look silly.

I made a decision to walk out of the relationship. He loved me and I knew it but he loved his family so much he would listen to them. I waited for weeks before telling him I was done. He asked why and I told him I didn’t feel welcome. “Are you still thinking about my family? Are they the people you’re going to marry or me? Why don’t you want to listen to me? Fine. Do whatever pleases you.”

We didn’t talk for weeks until recently he showed up at my door saying we needed to talk. I listened to him talk about his family’s love for me, how they are glad he has someone like me and how they can’t wait to have me as part of the family blah-blah. He ended by saying, “I’m the one choosing you and not them so why worry?”

I can’t give marriage a trial. What you see is what you get. That’s why I don’t want to go in before I see the mistake I’ve committed—a mistake I should have prevented from happening.

When God Throws A Wife On Your Table

I’m not confused. I know what I want and his family is not what I want but my problem is this, how far can I go to disregard his family once we are married? Can I marry him out of his family and pretend his family doesn’t exist? We are not going to live around them. Once in a while, I will meet them but that will be for a few hours. Can I marry him and bear with the family for a few hours and later enjoy my husband alone? Is that possible?

He’s not the problem. His family and the way they treat me is the problem. Should I look at one problem and throw the whole thing away? That’s my dilemma. Please help.

—Agyeiwaa

This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.

******