Let me start from all the reasons he has given me not to have sex;

One day in the kitchen, he was standing in front of the fridge when I cornered him. I really wanted it and from the beginning of our marriage, when one of us wanted it, there’s a language we speak. I spoke that language. He chuckled. I said, “Oh I’m serious, let’s get it going.” He looked into my eyes and told me, “As for you, you don’t want to grow up. You’re a mother now and you have to behave as such. You’re coming to do it where you cook the food? What has come over you? Or you think we are still that young couple we were five years ago?” I tucked my feelings in and let everything go.

 Another time at dawn, I wanted it. I started using my leg to disturb him. Our eight months baby sleeps between us but I jumped over the baby and went to sleep next to him, disturbing him to wake up and do his nightly duties. He screamed, “Oooooh! What is that?” I whispered, “We haven’t done it for months now. What’s happening to you? Get your game up and let’s get it going.” He started looking around for the baby. I said, “She’s behind me.” He told me, “This is the time she normally wakes up to disturb our night. Thanks to God, this time she’s sleeping. Do you want us to do it and shake the bed to wake her up? Would you die if you don’t do it tonight?”

The way he said the thing got me dried up immediately. It was like I was forcing him to do something he was not supposed to do. I jumped to my side of the bed and started yawning uselessly without falling asleep.

Another time, I chased him into the bathroom. I felt he was already naked there so there wouldn’t be any problem. In fact, he didn’t need to do anything since he was already naked. But immediately he saw me coming he asked me, “Are you coming to bathe again? You’re the reason the bill keeps going up. You go around just wasting water.” I smiled girlishly. I said, “Dear, you know it’s not about bathing. You know what time is it, right?” I winked at him. He looked away; “Here? Ahhh what has come over you these days? On a Sunday like today, you want us to dirty ourselves in a bathroom? Come off it, (He pushed me away. I nearly slipped) Get ready and let’s go to church.” 

He quickly dashed out of the bathroom as if I was Portifer’s wife and he was Joseph. 

I can go on and on with his excuses and they would fill up the pages because they are too many. Each day comes with a different excuse. I remember at one dawn, it was a fierce battle. I wasn’t giving in to his excuses. I was like, “No, not this time. If you won’t do it, just lie down and I will work things out for my own salvation.” He realized it was getting tense. He told me, “Ok, let me go and urinate and come.” I allowed him to enter the bath and he locked the door. He continued the rest of the night there until the early morning I heard the shower making noise. He bathed and came out with this mischievous smile on his face as if he had won one over me. “Don’t worry, after work today, I will give it to you however you want it. I wasn’t in the mood last dawn.”

He came back from work to come and tell me he was too tired because his boss nearly killed him with work that day. He’s the boss so I didn’t know which other boss he was talking about.

We had an exciting bedroom when our marriage was young. He wanted it and I gave it to him. I wanted it and he did the magic for me. We did it so often that we even developed a language out of it—verbal and none verbal cues that communicated the same thing. It was the most exciting moment of our marriage. Three years later, we were not having a child so we started roaming with our issues. One doctor told us, “You don’t have any problem. If you can, do it once a day until the month ends and let’s see if it won’t happen.” 

We were already doing it like crazy but the doctor’s advice gave us the impetuous to do it even more often. We went at it in the hall, in the kitchen,  wherever we found ourselves and thought it was cool. One day I found myself pregnant and it was the happiest day in our marriage. We celebrated it with more rounds until the fifth month when he started withdrawing from me. He told me he didn’t want to mess up everything we’ve worked for. Her senior sister had a miscarriage and it also contributed to his fear of messing things up if he continued sleeping with me. I had to beg for it sometimes. I remember one night, I sat on the bed and cried like a baby before this man asked me to turn my back. 

I was always telling him that nothing would happen but it was his first child and he didn’t want to mess it up so it was understandable. From the sixth month, he didn’t touch me again. He even slept in the hall so I wouldn’t worry him. No matter how far I went with my pleadings, this guy turned deaf ears to me. I survived it. I carried the pregnancy to term and delivered peacefully. I delivered through CS so I felt I was good to go as soon as I was a couple of weeks old. But my husband felt it was too soon to do it. That was where the excuses started. We could do it today and it would be two months since we did it. He could go for three months without touching me. I wasn’t getting it. One day he met me in the bedroom crying. He asked what was wrong and I told him, “You make me regret ever having a child. If a child is a blessing then why should I suffer because of a blessing?”

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That night we did it and then he went on a break again. I suggested, “Why don’t we have a schedule? That way, you won’t forget to do it with me and I won’t have to come and force you to do it with me. Even if it’s once a week, it’s better than fighting you all the time to do it.” After several persuasions, he agreed. It was twice a week, Wednesdays and Sundays. He followed it for just one week and he told me, “This thing feels like a job. Every Wednesday and Sunday I have to do it even if I’m not in the mood. Let’s go back to how it used to be. Spontaneous is more fun than planned.” I agreed with him but since then, everything has gone back to how it used to be. I have to cry to get it. I have to fight my way through and spend hours on a dead joystick before I could get it to rise a little for any meaningful work. 

I’m frustrated. I’m not happy in life as I write this. Sometimes I blame my child and she gets me angry very easily. I shout at people even when they mean well. I argue a lot at the office so a lot of colleagues avoid talking to me. My phone rings and the sound of the ringtone gets me irritated. I’ve silenced my phone. Everything gets me irritated, even my own breath. I mean why should I be breathing when the only breathing I want is from the exhaustion from too much shuperu? I thought of bringing someone in, his parents or someone he’s very shy of but the thing is, I’m shy to walk up to anyone to complain that my husband doesn’t do the do. It’s like I’m embarrassing him and I’m also embarrassing myself for wanting it too much.

I’ve suggested counselling but he told me there was no need for it because he was ok but nothing he does is ok with me. When we watch a movie and a sex scene comes up, if he’s the one holding the remote he’ll change the channel as if he’s watching it with a kid. If I’m the one holding the remote, he’ll get up and leave and come back later to continue watching. It doesn’t look like he’s going to change. As I write this, we haven’t done it for almost three months but he’s ok and eats well and sleeps well as if nothing is wrong with the universe. I’m the one suffering. That’s why I’m here sharing my story. 

The Reason Why My Wife Doesn’t Allow Me To Touch Her–Beads Media

I’ve checked to see if he’s cheating and so far I haven’t seen any evidence. He comes home early after work and his phone’s password hasn’t changed since we got married. I take his phone and watch him if he’ll fret, but nothing happens. When I’m washing his shirt, I look out for lipstick stains and even smell it and see if I would perceive the scent of shuperu in it but nothing. That even gets me more frustrated. I wish I could find that he’s cheating so I can pin it as the reason why he’s doing that to me but so far, I haven’t seen anything. Can I report him to the police for unnecessary abstinence? Or I should tell his mother? As for his father, they are too close I doubt he’ll even fight for me. What do I do to fix this anomaly in my marriage? It’s killing me and I don’t want to die young.      

–Ewura Adwoa   

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