When Kwesi proposed to me four years ago, he made it clear that his intention is to marry me. He had gotten tired of moving from one relationship to another. He was finally ready to settle down. And he is so sure that I am the one for him. I also accepted his proposal because time was passing me by, and I wanted to finally be with someone who was serious about marrying me.
After all these years together, everything Kwesi has done to this point is geared toward marriage. He is very consistent with his plans. This should make me happy but all I feel is misery. It is all because I feel no iota of romantic love for him. I have tried so hard but I only love him as a friend. Even when he tries to touch me, I feel it’s wrong and I tell him to stop.
He thinks I am letting him wait until marriage, but that’s not the case. I just can’t stomach the thought of having intimacy with him. We are just too different for my liking. First, we do not like the same things. Then, we communicate differently. There is also the fact that we come from different tribes. This means we don’t speak the same language. I find it easier to express myself in my local language than in any other language. So I am usually not excited about talking to Kwesi, considering that I would have to speak to him in a language we both understand.
I know he loves me. He goes the extra mile when it comes to my well-being, but I also know I’m not in love with him. I make a conscious effort to feel something for him but it ends up draining me. He knows how I feel but he is positive that things will change. He tells me, “Love is a choice. So keep trying. One day you will wake up and realize that you are in love with me.” Why is he so sure that it will happen?
One day I asked him, “Are there no other women in your life that you can consider for marriage?” “Oh, there are many of them,” he answered, “But these women don’t think and behave as you do so they don’t interest me. Besides, they are only interested in my money. I know you are nothing like that so I am not afraid to be myself around you.”
I asked him again, “You tell me that love is a choice, so why haven’t you made it a choice to love one of those women even though they don’t interest you?” He couldn’t give me an answer. I just wanted him to understand that it is not as easy to fall in love with someone as he thinks it is.
While I struggle with my feelings for him, my mother is also compounding things. She is a prayerful woman who has the gift of dreams and prophecy. Whenever she prays and sees something in a dream, it comes to pass. So we don’t take her prophecies and dreams lightly. When I first took Kwesi home, my mother didn’t like him. Nonetheless, she prayed about him after he left.
After that prayer, she has been seeing him in his dreams. “God has been revealing to me that this is the man you are supposed to marry,” she told me. I explained to her that I don’t have any amorous feelings for him. She didn’t care, “It doesn’t matter how you feel. This man is from God. You must marry him.” Mind you, there are other men who also want to marry me. But my mum has turned all of them away. She insists Kwesi is the man who will make me happy.
I’m confused, anxious, and scared about my future because of all this. How can I marry a man I don’t want to get intimate with? At first, I thought it was all in my head but if after all these years nothing has changed, then I don’t think it is. I even broke up with him to set him free but he always comes back to me.
Just like my mother, he also has the gift of dreams and prophecy. And he too says God has revealed to him that I am his wife. My question is, why is everyone dreaming about my marriage except me? I have prayed about him several times but I haven’t seen anything about him yet.
I am scared that my mother is right. If she is, I would have to marry Kwesi. But how can I go to the altar with him knowing very well that I don’t love him? This is my dilemma. There are people you meet and have no interest in, but when you start talking to them you fall in love with their personality. Eventually, you grow to love all of them. Unfortunately, this is not the case with Kwesi.
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I am tired of fighting for all of it to make sense. So I have decided to go ahead and marry him. After all, he is a good man. I have heard people say that good men are hard to find. But then again, people also say that good is not enough to make one happy. Some of my married friends tell me, “If you are not careful, you will marry a man you detest, and you will never be able to overlook his flaws. Love matters in marriage.”
So here I am, wondering if I can fall in love with him after we get married. Is it possible for that to happen? Even if it doesn’t happen, is it worth the risk? Is anyone here currently married to someone they don’t love? Tell me, do you regret your decision? Or you are happy regardless?
—Jossy
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My dear some fall in love instantly, others take time that include years etc. You don’t have to necessarily have many things in common. Mind you many have found people they have a lot in common with but are not married to each other. Some have it and are married to each other. Language is not a barrier for you not end up marrying a person. As long as you have a common Language you guys can use to communicate then it’s good to go. Don’t get married because of a prohecy or your time clock it’s dangerous. But mind you love is something that can not be forced and this makes it special. Many people love in different ways. You loving him as a friend is a start. You have listed all the negative of you Marrying him but what of the positive? .God doesn’t like someone who thinks ill of the other. No one is perfect. Inter tribal marriages have become common so I see no reason you can’t get married to him and still not speak your language. Be you around him . Tell him your worries. That alone is a great start. You can teach him your language small, small. No one likes a pessimistic person. God has not revealed to you because you only think bad of him. Decide to think positively then pray . You will get all the answers you need. Some people find love at the beginning of their Marriage , courtship and some a later in their marriage. Has he not been sweet and good to you ? . Has he done something that has raised a red flag? I guess from what you have said there is none. So why all these negativity? . If we listen to others you will always live a life to please them .A life lived to please others is not life it’s acting . Acting you have a time frame and it will come to an end quickly. Besides you will go tired of it. But with life it’s natural because it’s what you want to live. It’s beautiful because it’s real. God reveals to people with positive thoughts and genuine people. You are here forcing yourself to love Kwesi it’s not genuine. It’s called acting. You kraa don’t you get tired of it. Live life as it is then the rest will definitely fall in place. Don’t rush . Rushing gets you no where. Remember slow and sturdy wins the race. Pray for God to open your mind ,heart and to change this pessimistic behaviour of yours.
One major thing here is you have a problem to communicate with him. I think if he’s from your hometown or someone who can communicate well in your language you will fall for him. You guys fall for someone from abroad who doesn’t understand your dialect but you don’t take it easily with your fellow citizen.Once you judge him based on those facts, you will never love him.Also he must think about his well-being and leave you alone because he deserves better
Marriage is a choice you have to make, God may show you someone to marry but the final decision rest with you. It may be true he will be a good man for you but the decision to marry him Is entirely your own.
You don’t have any form of emotion for him so if God should tell you marry him will you not fill trapped more than you already are at the moment? Maybe there are things you are overlooking. Try to see him in a different way maybe that will help.
I’m married to a man I’m not romantically involved with. We dated for five years and I also couldn’t bear him touching me. It didn’t matter. After all , I’ve always made up my mind to keep myself for marriage.
He’s a good friend and I’m very fond of him. We also don’t communicate well. English is my first and only language besides sign language. We don’t enjoy the same things. Not games, not movies not friends. We easily misunderstand each of but we also forgive easily.
At a point, I thought I was asexual but I have met guys who just spending time with them made me feel aroused. So I know I’m not. After we got married it was hard consummating it and I wasn’t even excited about being with him . He knew I wasn’t crazy about it and was patient but now he’s getting frustrated. He still tries to be a good husband.
I read a story here of a woman who also did the same but an illness made her realize she loved her husband. Mine got in an accidental and I was worried but it changed nothing. I even started seeing him flirt with other women on his phone and I felt nothing. No hurt, no annoyance.
I am still fond of him but being away from him doesn’t hurt me. Foreplay feel icky and burdensome. I hate kissing him. Still waiting for something that’ll make me love him the way a woman loves a man. I love him other ways but not this way and it’s affecting intimacy which affects everything else. Even when I feel horny and he touches me, everything dies immediately. So I start thinking I’ve made a mistake that will ruin him. I really don’t mind being married to him but the part where physical intimacy is required.
My advice, don’t do it. Not just for your sake but for his. Don’t be in a rush to move on either. Let him know the consequences and how even though he doesn’t mind now, what of in 10years time? I also told my husband and he wanted to go ahead. He wanted me regardless. He still says he loves me but it doesn’t feel genuine anymore. Most pay him no heed once they see he’s married. It makes me scared that I’ll get an infection if he’s not careful. I realize now that there’s an excitement or an aid to being in love and sexually attracted to your spouse.
First and foremost, you should know that you are the one entering the marriage and not your mum.
Secondly, I respect the grace of dreams and prophecy on your mom but God should also speak to you concerning this matter because it is your marriage.
No 3, God doesn’t only speak through dreams and visions. Know how God speaks to you and seek an answer from Him in that regard.
That being said, love is not the only basis to get married but it is very important and yes some people get married without love and the love later grows. On the other hand, the love never comes.
My advice for you is that, seek the face of God for your self concerning the marriage and hold on with it until He gives you the green light
Please ask God to confirm it to you…unless He does, please don’t go ahead (my suggestion tho) and when He does, please ask Him to help you love/honour him as He instructed in the bible