I am a thirty-six-year-old woman who has been married for eight years with two kids. My husband and I met after I had completed training school. Our entire relationship was a long-distance one. Whatever I knew about him, I knew based on our phone interactions, and the few times we saw each other. Even with that, I felt I knew him very well. So when he asked me to marry him, I said yes. When we got married too, it was a long-distance one. The only difference was that we saw each other more often than we did when we were dating. 

After our first baby, I faced a few challenges taking care of the baby by myself. I started a transfer process but it didn’t seem to be going through. As the days went by, more challenges came up. The long-distance had started taking a toll on our marriage. My husband became distant, and when I tried to talk to him, we would end up arguing instead. Through all the ups and downs, I held out hope that everything would be alright. 

About three years ago we had our second child. I pushed for the transfer again and this time it went through. I thought moving in with my husband would make things easier for us. But it’s been one problem after the other. Ever since I joined him, I have caught him cheating on me with different kinds of women. I don’t even recognize the man I married anymore. He has become an accomplished casanova. I complained several times but nothing changed. When I got tired, I reported him to my father. My dad told me, “Be patient with him. He is a young man who has lived all his life as a bachelor until now. He will change eventually.” I was hurt he said that but I kept quiet and endured my husband’s cheating. 

In March last year, I discovered that he was dating a certain lady. The part that hurt me the most was that he sent her to his family’s house for the weekend. This means his parents are aware of his behaviour but no one has done anything about it. He got angry when I confronted him; “I am an African man and I can marry as many women as I want. If you don’t like it, you can pack your things and leave.” I wasn’t ready to leave the marriage so I stopped complaining. During the latter part of last year, I learned the lady was pregnant. I don’t know if she has had the baby yet. All I know is that there is a huge wall between me and my husband. 

When he leaves for work on Fridays, he returns home on Sunday nights. During his time away, he wouldn’t call me or answer my calls. He started doing that at a time he was studying for his first degree. He told me he was spending the weekends studying with his friends on campus. I didn’t believe him but I didn’t complain. After he finished his course, he still continued staying away from home on weekends. 

I confronted him about it and he got angry and left home for two weeks. He didn’t talk to me for that period. I don’t know where he went or to whom he went. His behaviour has made it such that I try not to ask him questions about his activities. He leaves home the moment we have an argument. On two occasions he left home for a week. All those times, I sent him text messages begging him to come but he didn’t. 

He tells me “The reason I don’t stay at home is because you are not peaceful. When I come home, you don’t welcome me with open arms and smiles. You are always asking questions, looking for a fight.”  How does he expect me to welcome him with smiles after he leaves home for days? How am I supposed to be peaceful after I’ve seen evidence of his extramarital affairs? Like that time he told me he was travelling to Cape Coast for a school project. He was gone for days. Only for me to find out that he had travelled to Takoradi with a woman. He does all this but expects me to be happy with him. 

I do everything a traditional wife is expected to do for her husband. I contribute money to the house. I buy him gifts when I can afford to. I cook his meals and do his laundry. I never turn him down when he wants shuperu. When I try to hold a conversation with him, he acts like I’m a bother. So, I resorted to spending time on my phone and watching TV so he can have his space. Now he is complaining that I have been ignoring him. I honestly don’t know what he wants from me anymore.

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I don’t know what else I can do to fix my marriage. Last time my five-year-old told me, “Daddy said he will leave the house for you because you don’t mind him anymore. He says he’ll take us away from you every Friday to where he goes. And we’ll come back on Sundays.” At this point, I am concerned that he is involving our kids. 

When I asked him about it, he didn’t confirm or deny anything. We have been arguing a lot these days. I tell him that I can’t be all sunshine and rainbows when he gets home because of his attitude. He doesn’t care enough to listen to me. I have become so depressed that I have been having suicidal thoughts. This is not how I envisaged my marriage would be. I have been praying but nothing seems to change. The more I try to hold things together, the further they fall apart. Right now, I don’t have the courage to walk away from the marriage yet. Instead, I have decided to go back to school so that I can keep my mind busy. 

In the meantime, I am still holding on to hope that there is something I can do to fix my marriage. Please, is there something I’m supposed to do that you think I haven’t done?” Help me with suggestions. 

–Akyaa

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