I and my girlfriend are getting married in the next two months. The wedding is happening in her church so we started counseling with her pastor. We’ve attended only two counseling sessions and I’m already angry about the kind of advice this pastor is giving to my girlfriend. The sad thing is, my girlfriend is slowly leaning towards the one-sided advice this man of God is giving to us.
He asked if my girlfriend had contributed anything to the wedding and she said yes. He asked, “What and what have you contributed so far?” She said, “I’m buying my wedding gown and I’ve bought a couple of the things my parents put on the list.” He asked, “The gown that you’re going to wear to look beautiful on your wedding day, he didn’t buy it?” My girlfriend answered, “Yes, he didn’t.” This pastor looked into my eyes and said, “Whatever she had contributed toward the marriage, give it back to her before the wedding. You’re the one getting married to her and you have to buy everything. If you think you are not ready, you can ask for more time. It’s better than asking her to buy her own gown.”
I sat there frozen with anger. I had to comport myself so I don’t say anything that I will regret later.
He asked me, “How much are you going to give to your wife as housekeeping money?” I answered, “I haven’t thought about it. It’s a decision both of us would have to make.” He said, “That’s why we are here. Let’s discuss it. Mention how much you’ll give and let’s hear what she would say.” I said, “Currently I can give her GHc150 a week.” He retorted, “It’s either you’re planning to starve this girl to death or you don’t know the current situation in Ghana? GHc150 a week? How can you eat Fufu out of GHC150?” The most annoying thing is that I don’t even eat fufu.”
He turned to her and asked, “Can you manage with that?” She nodded. He said, “Sit there and be nodding your head. I hope you don’t come back someday and complain to me that your husband is not taking good care of you. Say it’s not enough and let’s agree on what is enough.”
At this point, the pastor was getting on my last nerve. I’d wanted to get up and leave. It was only the voice of God that kept me seated on my seat. This pastor doesn’t know my pocket and doesn’t know the conversation I’ve had with my girlfriend concerning how we are going to manage our finances, yet disagrees with how much I’m ready to give as housekeeping money.
After counseling that day, I told my girlfriend, “Tell your pastor something before I explode. What was that for? You call this counseling?” She said, “But what he’s saying is true? You’re the man and it’s your duty to pay for everything concerning the marriage. I’m only helping you because of the situation we find ourselves in right now.” I said, “Your pastor doesn’t know this so he shouldn’t create the impression that we don’t know what we are doing.”
On the second day of our session, he continued saying a lot of things I didn’t agree with. He told my wife, “Don’t try to be equal with your husband. He’s the head. Demand that he performs his role as the head while you also play your role as the helper. Domestic chores are yours while your husband pays for everything in the house. That’s the rule of marriage. Immediately you try to alter it, your marriage would suffer.”
Again, I had a problem with that. I and my wife-to-be had agreed on something different from what he was saying. I’d wanted to ask him questions but the anger in me didn’t allow me to talk. He asked, “Have you slept together since you met.” We were quiet. She answered, “Yes we have.” He asked, “How many times?” She answered, “We’ve dated for three years. We can’t remember the number of times.” He turned to me and ask, “Why are you not talking?” Is that what they taught you in your church? That you can sleep with your girlfriend before marriage? Which of you initiated it?” We didn’t answer. He looked at me and said, “Obviously, you did. Five days fasting for you and three days fasting for your wife to be.”
Everything was against me.
After counseling that day, I told her, “This is the last time I would step foot here for your pastor to use my face as a doormat. I also have a pastor. I would do the counseling with him.” She said, “You know we can’t do that right?” I said, “You watch me.” The next session I didn’t go. The pastor asked her to call me on the phone for him. When I picked the phone he said, “Gentleman, I heard you said the fire is too much for you so you won’t come here again.” I said, “Truthfully speaking, I don’t think I’m getting enough value from the sessions that’s why I’m not coming again.”
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He said I’ve insulted his intelligence and because of that he’s not going to officiate our wedding. Again, our wedding can’t be held in his church. I didn’t care. After all, he wasn’t the only pastor on earth. My wife-to-be and her parents went there to beg him to forgive. He accepted to officiate but on one condition that I sit through all the sessions with my girlfriend.
As a matter of fact, I’ve decided not to go there again and I still insist that his counseling has no value to me. I don’t care if he officiates or not. There’s a court to sign the marriage certificate so what’s the fuss? As I write this, my wife-to-be is constantly on my neck begging me to go with her. I don’t want to go. I believe things would be worse if I continue going. I want to know if I’m wrong for choosing not to listen to a man who doesn’t understand how marriage should work. Maybe I’m being stubborn but do you think the pastor is right to tell us all the things he’s been telling us? If I’m wrong, I’ll be ready to run to him and ask for forgiveness so I can continue with the counseling.
–Joe Boy
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