My husband has a temper. It wasn’t like that from the beginning. If I saw a hint of temper in his attitude when dating, I wouldn’t have married him until it’s corrected. It didn’t come up anywhere while dating. He didn’t even like talking. He will come to my house and behave like a wallflower. He wouldn’t talk until you talk to him. If you gave him a seat at the south and left him there, he’ll remain there until it’s time to leave. My mother said, “Wo nipa wei diɛ ɔyɛ waawaan papa.” (This your boyfriend is very slow) So it became his name. A name they called behind him. “Egya Waawaan.” But I knew him better. I knew my guy very well and I knew he wasn’t like that. It was only when he was in their presence that he became a wallflower. 

But everybody liked him. With time he developed a relationship with my father. A sweet little relationship that saw them talking to each other on the phone and later culminated in bringing gifts to my mom and dad anytime he came around. My junior brother liked him like he was a senior brother to him. He was then in junior high school so whenever my guy was coming around he bought him things for school and my brother loved it very much. For two years, he was part of the family. He came home and slept in my room for two to three days, no one fought him. He’ll be in my room and my mother will serve him breakfast, lunch, and supper. My mom will prepare his water and ask me to tell him to go and bathe. My family accepted him wholeheartedly even when they didn’t know where the relationship was going. 

I’m the eldest child of my family. In all, we are four siblings. My family isn’t the kind of family you’ll call rich but my parents were not too poor to cater for us. I completed the university before meeting my husband. He was working at the university I was attending. He was a national service person working in the school library and because I was always at the library borrowing books and returning them later than was given, we always talked. The talking graduated into friendship and the friendship blossomed into a full-fledge relationship that later saw us visiting each other in the house. He got a permanent job when I was doing my national service and God being so good, I had a job where I was posted for national service. So right after my national service, we got married. 

We have a two-year-old child and live in a two-bedroom house we both contributed to rent. 

It started when my junior brother was on vacation and he wanted to visit. I told him, “Fiifi is home on vacation. He’s never traveled to Accra. He wants to come and spend some days here, see how Accra is, and later go back to school.” His response was emphatic no. I thought I didn’t hear what he said so I asked again, “What did you say?” He answered, “No he can’t come and visit. That’s how families do when they want to interfere in your life. They start coming for vacation and then they’ll pitch a camp and stay forever. No, we can’t allow visits from family, especially when he’s coming to stay for that long.” 

His brother had stayed with us for a week before. His mother too came for a church program in Accra and stayed with us for a week before leaving. When his father came to Accra to buy stuff, he stayed with us for the weekend before leaving. So him telling me families were not allowed was strange to me but I didn’t argue it out. I only told my brother that it wasn’t conducive for him to visit. 

We’ve been married for four years. The only time my family came here was when I gave birth. My mom came to help and this guy wouldn’t give me peace of mind. Each morning when he got up from bed, his question was, “When is your mother leaving?” My baby was one month when I told my mother, “I can take it from here.” 

She’s a woman. She suspected something was wrong somewhere but I didn’t open up to her. All I said was, “No I’m alright. I feel like you’re neglecting daddy while here so go and continue with your life.” As I write this, his mother came to visit for two weeks. She left only this morning. I’m not angry. I’m worried that my husband will treat my family, a family that welcomed him and accepted him as one of their own even when they didn’t see the head and tail of the relationship. I raise the topic and he’ll flare-up. He’ll use anger to escape the discussion. 

We have a joint account we contribute a huge percentage of our salaries. I earn more than him so, in effect, I contribute more than he does. He takes money in the name of family projects but he never accounts for the money he takes. All he’ll say is, “I took this much to buy cement for the building.” No proper accounts. He’s the head of the family so I have to take whatever he says hook, line, and sinker. Immediately I ask questions, I’m bringing his position into disrepute and he’ll flare up and escape the discussion. 

My junior brother was going to the university. My family was looking up to me to pay fees for my brother. That month I didn’t have personal money so I decided I will take a loan from our joint account and pay later. I told him, “I want to take Ghc3,000 from the joint. It’s a loan. I will pay later.” “What do you need GHC3,000 for?” He asked. I didn’t lie. I told him it was for my brother’s fees. He jumped up from his seat. Why would you take this much for a brother? Do you think we are running a family business here? Are you the one to pay fees for your brother? Is your brother your responsibility? We all have brothers. If we give them this much, can we survive?” I said, “It looks like you didn’t hear me very well. I said I’m taking a loan. A loan means I will pay later.” 

He wouldn’t hear a word from me. He’s done so many things against my family and none brought me to tears but that day, I cried. He saw me crying and walked away from me. I went to the office, took a loan for my brother’s fees, and canceled the standing order on my account that goes into our joint account. So when the money stopped coming he came to ask me and I told him what I’d done. Come and see lectures. Lectures laced with subtle jabs here and there. After everything I told him, “When I finish paying that loan, I will come back to contribute again.” 

READ ALSO: It’s True What They Say; Those Who Love You Won’t Waste Your Time

Since then, he had taken interest in my affairs. When I’m talking to my dad or mom on the phone, he asks me, “What do they want?” When I’m going to visit them, he’ll search my bag and see if I’ve bought things for them. If he sees something and I tell him it’s for them he’ll ask me, “Where did you get the money to buy all that? Oh now you’re acting on their advice, right? That when you get good things bring it home but bad things are on your husband, right? You’re here carrying things to them.” One day he took my ATM from my purse. I didn’t know it until I got to my parents’ house. Thanks to the gods of mobile banking, I was able to pull through. 

I don’t know what my husband sees wrong with my family. I’ve asked him. I’ve pleaded with him to tell me if someone said something wrong to him. I’ve done what a wife will do to get answers but he doesn’t talk. He just doesn’t like it when my family is involved. “Do you want me to eat and make merry while my parents and siblings starve? Or you want them to go around begging for alms? What did they do to you that you want to pay them back?” 

Apart from my mom who knows where I live in Accra, no one in my family knows where I live. I’m tired. The joy of marriage is out of my system. It’s like I’m living life all alone while contributing to building a man’s dreams. We split everything down to the middle and yet can’t use my own money without being policed. All the essence of marriage is lost in my own. No help in times of need, no emotional health, always being ordered around like a kid, and to make matters worse, he’s trying everything to sever the ties between me and my family. That I won’t let it happen. Am I wrong to start thinking about divorce? 

–Bella

Do you have any relationship experience to share? Email it to [email protected]

NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG.