My last relationship ended after she cheated on me. When  I asked her why she did it she said, “You don’t touch me as much as I want you to. I have brought it to your attention several times but you keep telling me that you don’t have time.” I tried to understand her but it still hurt like a hell. I didn’t have the heart to forgive her and take her back so I let her go. After the breakup, I was in pieces for a very long time. It took time for me to glue myself back together and completely heal. It was only after I felt whole again that I decided to give myself another opportunity at love.

It all happened one day after lectures I met Selorm. I was going to board a shuttle to my hall. She was there waiting for the shuttle so I greeted her and sat next to her. I didn’t pay much attention to her until the shuttle arrived. Immediately she saw the number of people going to board the shuttle, she screamed, “No, I can’t join this one. People will step on my shoes. So I will wait and join the next one.” I looked at her, laughed and thought, “This girl must be new.”

I told her, “Don’t worry, I will get you a place to sit.” I paid for her ticket and fiercely made my way through. I couldn’t secure her a seat so when she finally entered the shuttle, all the spaces were full. So I did the gentlemanly thing and gave her my seat. When we got to the hall, we exchanged contacts. From there, we started talking non-stop. I got to know that she was in level 200 while I was in level 300.

As we got to know each other better, she often invited me over for supper, and I also returned the favour whenever I cooked. Our friendship paved way for me to declare my intentions to her, “This past month of getting to know you has been great. I liked you from the first day I met you, but now I am in love with you. I will be very happy if we take things to the next level. I love being your friend but I want to be your girlfriend.” She smiled and said, “I like you too, so yes. I will be your girlfriend.”

We’ve become inseparable after that day. We did everything together on campus. We went for lectures together, and whoever gets to the hall first after lectures cooks dinner. Things were so good between us that even when I completed school, nothing changed. We grew in love as the days went by. And when I finished my national service a got a good job that paid me good money. A year later, Selorm also completed her national service and got a job that paid even better than mine.

We have travelled to many places together and had our fun as a young couple. Now, we want to take things to the next level and settle down. This is where we’ve started having problems. I want us to have only a traditional ceremony. She on the other hand wants us to have a white wedding. Something as simple as this seems to be tearing us apart.

I have nothing against weddings; I just don’t see the point in them. I assured her, “When you agree to have only a traditional wedding, we will make it grand. It will be grander than most weddings you’ve ever seen.” She has heard everything I have to say on the subject, but she is too obsessed with weddings to listen to me. She tells me, “I love weddings. Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of wearing a white gown and walking down the aisle arm-in-arm with my groom. I can’t just give up on that fantasy.”

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The truth is, ever since I have known her she spends a lot of time watching wedding videos. She would go online and watch these videos from dawn to dusk. So I understand how badly she wants a wedding. But here lies the case, there is nothing about white weddings that appeals to me. I have tried to talk myself into accepting it but I just don’t like it. I prefer traditional African marriage ceremonies.

Just the other night, she was at my house and we had a conversation about it. When we spoke she said, “Bismark, you know I love weddings. It is not about how big you will make it. I love the gowns. And like I always tell you, weddings are my childhood dream. Asking me to let go of it is something I cannot wrap my mind around. I have always been imagining myself in a gown on my wedding day. It’s so difficult for me to do what you are asking me to.” I told her, “I get you, but you need to understand that marriage goes beyond the ceremony itself. It is after you wear the princess gown and walk down the aisle, that the work begins. If you see things this way, you will accept that having a white wedding is not necessary.” She still insisted on what she has always wanted.

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Now I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just think of ending the relationship so she would find a man who would agree to give her the wedding of her dreams. However, the thought of losing her gives me nightmares. She is exactly the kind of woman I want to get married to. She is beautiful and has the body type that I like. She is also a complete definition of the Proverbs 31 woman. Once, I wanted to buy her an iPhone. She took the money and used it to start a business. Then she made three times that amount, bought the iPhone, and had some money left over.

She always advocates that we cook to save money instead of buying food. Why would I let go of someone as resourceful as her? Sometimes I ask myself, “Why can’t I sacrifice the kind of ceremony I want so she would be happy?” But a little voice in my head tells me, “Why can’t she also sacrifice her happiness for our marriage?” My question is, am I being selfish for not wanting to give her the wedding of her dreams? Please advise me on what to do.

–Bismark

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