I didn’t know how much time had passed until I saw my Facebook memories. It was a post I made ten years ago. I couldn’t believe the person I was when I made that post had gone through so many changes. If someone told me back then that I would be living the life I am living now in ten years, I would call them a liar. That’s just how life is. You make plans and assume everything will fall in place.

I was sure that by the time I turned twenty-seven, I would have gotten a degree, then a good job, gotten married, and had kids. It was a simple plan. I didn’t ask for much. I just wanted to have a simple life.

In 2015, the first part of my dreams became a reality when I gained admission to the university. My mother, who was raising five of us as a single mother was overjoyed when I received my admission letter. She told me, “Things are hard for us but we will not give up. I will continue to farm and engage in petty trading to take care of you and your siblings. You will go to school, don’t worry.” That’s my mum in a nutshell. Ever since my dad passed when I was thirteen, she became our rock and our sole provider.

One evening, we all ate and went to sleep. In the morning, we all woke up except my mum. She was still breathing but she wouldn’t wake up. The fear and panic that gripped us was unfathomable. I don’t know but I guess she might have seen the symptoms but she was too busy taking care of us that she forgot to take care of herself. Mothers have that in common. Even on their sick beds they still ask their children, “Have you eaten?”

We sent her to hospital after hospital but her situation was the same for a long time. Eventually, we found some medications that helped her stand on her feet again. She was able to walk, eat, and do things for herself. By the time she fully recovered, we had no money left. Tertiary school was no longer on the table for me.

I am the second born, so the responsibility of my younger siblings fell on my elder sister and me. We had to go out there and look for something to do so we could keep the home from falling apart.

Through a friend, I was able to get a job that kept us going. My mum was well but occasionally she would fall seriously ill again. All my savings would go into medication and hospital bills. Despite all that, I managed to save some money so I could finance my education. By God’s grace, I gained admission to the university again in 2018.

Unfortunately, I didn’t step foot in any lecture hall that year. My mother got ill again. This time she was within an inch of her life. It took the mercy of God to bring her back to us. Everything I saved for school was gone by the time she got better.

I was back to square one but I was still determined not to give up on my education. So while I worked hard to take care of my mum and younger siblings, I managed to save for school. In 2021, my efforts paid off. I applied for school again and got in. I even started lectures and enjoyed my first semester. It was a nice feeling. It changes the way you talk, dress, walk, and even the way you eat, trust me it feels good.

Unfortunately, my mother got sick again. That was the end of my education. I had to go back to work so she could eat. Right now, she depends on me for survival. So I’m working, praying, and wishing she gets very well. My siblings are also growing. The lastborn is now in high school. She is my responsibility.

My elder sister met a man who promised her heaven on earth. She believed he would help ease the burden on us. But she found out later that he was a liar. By then she was pregnant with his child. So now she has a child she is taking care of by herself. Sometimes when things get hard for her, she falls on me for assistance.

I have also met men who have promised to help me. They don’t want love or marriage. They just want me to warm their bed in exchange for money. I have thought about it. If I do that, what would that make me? One time a man told me, “You know what I want. If you give it to me I will take you to school. And I will continue to take care of you until you meet a man who will be ready to marry you.” He is not the only one. There are more of them. The rate at which these men chase me to agree to their arrangements makes me sad.

I remember I stood before God and promised never to sleep with any man who is not my husband. That prayer went up but it didn’t come back with my husband. Is it that the princes of Persia have withheld the answer to my prayers? I am tired of meeting men who only want to sleep with me and help me in return. I want someone who will stand by me through my difficulties and ease my burdens. Am I asking for too much?

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I’m turning thirty this year but I have nothing going on for me. I have no career, no man, and no life of my own. I feel sleepy but I can’t sleep. I hear the cock crow and I am startled. All I think about is that ten years of my life is gone and I’m still stuck. I haven’t made any progress in life since I made that Facebook post ten years ago.

I am haunted by questions like, “When are you getting married?”

“Will you ever go back to school?”

“When will you have kids?”

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The more I think about these questions the more I lie awake at night.

I thought life was mine to conquer but I feel defeated. My only joy is in the fact that my mother is alive and well.

I came across a fairy tale the other day. The little girl stayed by her mum through thick and thin. Then she met a prince and they lived happily ever after. I don’t believe in fairy tales but if they are to be made real, then let these ten years of tears and sacrifice make me experience a happily ever after. If not, then what am I going to do with my life?

–Ana

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