Weeks after my third miscarriage, my husband took me on a trip. We lodged in a hotel at the base of a mountain on the outskirts of town. I remember asking myself, “What if this mountain collapses while we sleep at night” It was a freezing night in May. While my husband sleeps and snores, I lay awake thinking about why I can’t carry a pregnancy to term. “What if I’m not able to become a mother? Will he leave me for another woman?”

Early morning before the sun came up, my husband tapped me to wake up. “We are walking to the top of the mountain. I hear the view is beautiful out there,” he said

We walked quietly through the forests hearing nothing apart from chirps from birds and the rhythms the dry leaves made as we stepped on them. My husband was ahead, I was behind looking at the base of his Occiput and wondering, “Why did he bring me here? Is he taking me to the mountaintop just to let me down because I can’t make him a baby?”

The silence between us got me scared. I stopped and asked him, “Why are we doing this? Is there something you want to tell me? This whole silence is making me anxious.”

He sat on a rock, took a deep breath and asked, “What are you thinking of?” I started ranting; “I haven’t been able to make you a baby after five years of marriage. Say the truth. It worries you right? That I may never be a mother. Have you thought of leaving me?”

I broke down and cried. He sat and watched me crying without saying a word. The silence came back as we walked towards the top of the mountain. We stayed there for a while, enjoying the view and breathing in the world.

“I brought you here so we can relax. Life has been tough,” he said. “I’ve never thought about leaving you because you can’t give birth. Even if you don’t become a mother, we’ll still have a place here on earth, among our families and friends. You don’t have to worry. Let’s take it a day at a time.”

I cried again, looking at the world beneath my feet through tears. My husband had never said anything this assuring since our problems began. “How did he know that is all I want to hear?” Tears kept flowing while he sat there and watched me.”

That night in the hotel room, I put my leg on him and hugged him from behind while we slept. It was a cold night but the warmth on our skins didn’t give space to the cold. We made love—the longest we’d had since marriage. In the morning, I looked into his eyes and said thank you. He responded, “Thank you too.”

We came home with a pregnancy. I carried it safe and sound as if I wasn’t the girl who had lost three pregnancies on the way. She’s a girl. We named her Nhyira and nicknamed her Mountains. The second one is called Adom Mbroso but the ‘Mbroso is always silent. The third one is coming. We’ve lost three. It’s just right that we bring them back, now that there’s a way.

—Anna

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