Five years ago when we got married, I worked with an organization that paid me enough for us to live comfortably. All I wanted was to make this woman happy. But we’ve gotten to a point in our marriage where things are completely different from where we began. And most of our challenges have to do with her attitude toward money.

Although I was the one providing our needs in our marriage, I didn’t feel strained until the kids started coming. We have two beautiful girls now. Apart from my wife and kids, I am the first son of my parents. So my parents and some of my siblings come to me for financial assistance whenever things get difficult for them. This put a lot of responsibility on my plate.

I made some calculations and concluded that it was best I quit my job. It was the reasonable thing to do, considering the salary was no longer enough to cover all my expenses every month. Sure, I could have gotten a side hustle but here lies the case where my job didn’t allow me time to do anything else. I didn’t even have time for myself.

The good news in all this is that I established a provision shop for my wife after the COVID lockdown in our country. The business picked up well. After a year of opening it, she applied for POS and added it to the shop. Its success is one of the factors I considered when I finally quit my job.

I didn’t come and sit idle at home expecting my wife to take care of my every need. No, I am into plumbing, CCTV installation, and solar panel installation as well. I learned these skills so I could make time for my family and still provide for their needs.

Every time I go out to work, I bring the money home to my wife. I tell her, “This is what I got from my hustling job.” I leave her to use the money to manage our home however she sees fit.

With some time on my hands, I started doing some chores around the house. I did it mostly on days I didn’t go out to work. On days I went out and couldn’t help, my wife would complain; “Why are you leaving everything to me? We are partners. We should do the work together.” She is gentle with her approach but I still feel the effects of her complaints. So for peace to reign and for the sake of her happiness, I try my best to share in the domestic work.

The whole point of my story is that I feel I am the only one doing all the work when it comes to putting effort into making our marriage work. I am not touting my own horns but I have read enough to know that I have qualities most women want in a husband. I don’t like going out with friends. I don’t go about chasing everything in skirts. I am not a smoker or a heavy drinker, just the occasional two bottles I drink when I feel I need to unwind.

I would have been a happy man if my wife considered my feelings sometimes. For instance, when it comes to intimacy she tells me she doesn’t like it much. At first, I was the one who initiated it. Even with that, I would have to do a lot of talking before she would allow me to have her. It bothered me so I stopped making the move.

I took a step back and allowed her to come to me when she was in the mood. So now we do it two or three times a month. If it’s a good month then four times. But there are also times we don’t do it at all in a month.

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When it comes to other forms of intimacy too, I am unfulfilled. She doesn’t know how to play with me. She doesn’t gist with me. We talk when we need to talk. That’s it. Any attempt to change things is met with, “I am sorry but I am tired. It’s been a long day.” Then she would go and lie down and watch films on her phone all night.

Her behaviour is eating me up. I wish she would also do things to show me that my happiness matters to her. Talking to her hasn’t worked. Even recently, I told her she is not friendly but she didn’t mind. Money is hard for us these days. I told her all we have left is our rent but she is making me spend a lot of money as she is preparing to support her brother’s marriage.

Men Don’t Like It When Women Do The Paying

I bought fabric for her and the girls, paid for their sewing, gave her the amount her family asked her to contribute toward the wedding, and even gave her money to be used for transportation to the wedding and back. She hasn’t left yet but she is still trying to get more things done that will cost me more money. At the rate she is going, I don’t think we will celebrate Christmas in my house this December.

How do I get my wife to change and start showing me some consideration? I have tried to make her happy but I am at my wits end. Is this the behaviour of a woman who loves her husband?

— Olu

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