My boyfriend and I are seven years apart. I was twenty-five when we started dating and now I am thirty-one. He is thirty-nine. He lives abroad while I live here in Ghana. In the six years that we’ve been together, he has visited Ghana only twice. But that’s not even my problem. What concerns me is that ever since we’ve been together, he hasn’t mentioned us getting married. It’s not as if I haven’t brought it up. In our third year together, I asked him to perform my marriage rites or at least start preparing toward it. He didn’t budge.

It bothered me that after all those years, he hadn’t mentioned anything about settling down. I wanted him to know it was important to me that our relationship was heading somewhere. After three years together, I wasn’t comfortable being with him just for the sake of being in a relationship. When I kept bringing up the subject, he told me; “I am working on my building project right now. As soon as I am done, we can put marriage on the table.” As understanding as I am, I patiently agreed to wait.

As I am sharing this story, he has completed the building. When I brought up the topic of marriage again he said, “Now is not a good time. I’m having some problems with my current job. So I want to quit and move back to Ghana. Upon my return, I will make arrangements and travel to another country.” He said it will take him five years to return to Ghana again after he relocates.

At this stage, I asked him if he intended to marry me within this five-year period. He said no but he will perform my knocking rites so I would wait for his return. Now, this is where we have a problem. I don’t understand why he wants to perform only the knocking rites. I let him understand that I wouldn’t let him waste my time like that. We don’t have any children together. So if I were to wait for him, I would be thirty-six, unmarried, and childless. What then will I do if, after all that time, we don’t get married?

I raised my concerns and he suggested I move into the house he finished right after the knocking rites. It is the furthest he is willing to go to show his commitment to me. This is an offer I turned down.

I know my family. Once I take him home to officially introduce him as the man I want to marry, they will latch onto him. Even when I realize he is wasting my time and I meet someone else, my people won’t accept that person. They will say he is the one they know so no one else matters. That’s why I am not okay that he should only perform the knocking rites.

Ever since we had that conversation, things have been strained between us. I am not even excited that he is coming to Ghana soon. Our conversations are dry and awkward. I know he won’t make peace until I do. That’s another thing about him that I worry about. Whenever we had fights or misunderstandings, he wouldn’t apologize. If I decide to drag the issue for one month and not talk to him, he won’t attempt to make amends. Whether he is wrong or I am wrong, I have to always be the person to reach out and make peace.

When this happens, I ask myself if this is what marriage to him is going to be like. Every time we have a fight, am I going to deal with a husband who will give me the silent treatment until I apologize? That aside, he is an unrepentant cheat.

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When the cheating issue comes up, he doesn’t show any remorse. He doesn’t even apologize. He acts as if it is normal for him to cheat. He says he is a man and that’s how men do relationships. I feel like he is doing all this because he doesn’t truly love me.

On his last visit to Ghana, for instance, this guy went out on my birthday. He did not attempt to celebrate it with me. All he did was post my picture. When he finally returned from his outing, he was as drunk as a fish. I looked through his phone and realized, he had blocked almost all the contacts on his list. We were only five people who could view the picture of me he posted. The next day I asked him, “Are you embarrassed of me? Am I not beautiful enough for you?” He couldn’t give me an answer.

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I told him that just because we’ve been together for long doesn’t mean we have to keep being together. Honestly, that’s my point. I am at a place where I am no longer interested in being strung along. I am trying to use our current issues as a way to break up with him. But he is the one who paid for my apprenticeship. I have graduated and I work from home. He hasn’t set me up with a shop but I am worried I will be tagged as ungrateful if I leave him.

I want to know if there’s any hope for keeping a relationship like this alive. If not, will I be a bad person to leave him? I need all the advice I can get.

— Miranda

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