I’ve been dating this lady for the past four years. I used to go to her place very often to spend quality time with her but she never came to my place to spend time with me. The only time she visited was when she wanted to see my mum and say hello to her. It bothered me but I didn’t complain.

One thing that was a problem for me when I went to her place was this other guy who was in her life. I didn’t know who he was but she would receive calls from him and ask me to remain silent until she was done with her call. Me too, I didn’t want to rock the boat so I always complied with no questions asked. It continued for a while until one day I asked her, “Who is he to you? Are you dating him?” She said he was just a workmate who was always generous toward her. “Our relationship is purely platonic. Nothing romantic,” she assured me.

At the time, she was a pupil teacher in a certain village. I also lived in another town. When schools shut down during the COVID-19 pandemic, she had to return home. However, she told me she had started a tiger nut farm with that same guy I had reservations about. When I tried to ask questions, she said it wasn’t just the two of them. Another teacher from her school was also part of this farm.

Although school was not in session, she would travel to the village and spend a few days there because of the farm. That was fine with me. I only started getting concerned when I couldn’t reach her every time she was in the village. Either her lines would be off or she wouldn’t pick up her calls.

At that point, I started having suspicions about the nature of their relationship but each time it came up, she assured me there was nothing between them. I didn’t believe her but I didn’t also have proof of anything so I just quietly observed her.

The entire time I didn’t say anything, I was dying inside. I could have walked away but quitting wasn’t an option for me. I loved her so much that I didn’t want to lose her despite everything she did to hurt me. That’s why I stayed hoping to see a change in her.

On the 29th of June that same year, I went on a trip. I didn’t plan to return on the same day but I was fortunate to finish all I wanted to do early enough to make it a return trip. I was in my second year at the university during this period. She had mentioned that she needed an extra mattress and a fan. So on my way from the trip, I passed by my hostel and picked a mattress and a fan for her. When I got home I sent the items to her house.

Earlier that day, I called her and she said she was going to the market to buy foodstuffs to prepare dinner for a certain woman who used to trade with her mum. According to her, the woman came from afar and couldn’t return the same day. Because of that, her mum had asked her to prepare food for this woman and accommodate her in her room.

Armed with the knowledge that she was hosting a visitor, I didn’t plan to spend the night with her. I just wanted to deliver the stuff and return home. However, her behaviour when I knocked on her door was suspicious. The first thing she did was place a finger on her lips and say, “Shh, don’t disturb Aunty Maggie’s sleep.” I was willing to be as quiet as possible even when I offered to carry the items into the room for her.

To my surprise, she turned down my offer. She claimed she would do it herself. I didn’t accept it. I felt she was hiding something. She didn’t want me to but I forced myself into her room. Lo and behold, Aunty Maggie turned out to be a man. What pained me most was that this guy lying in my girlfriend’s bed was wearing my own shorts that I left at her place. He was also the same guy she kept telling me was just her workmate.

I didn’t want to make a scene so I pulled her outside and asked why she lied. Her response was, that the guy had been working on a transfer from their school so he had come to town to follow up on the process but couldn’t return the same day because it was too late, so she offered to accommodate him for the night. “If I had told you the truth right from the start, would you have agreed for me to do it?” She asked me.

It was a compound house and her cotenants were people who knew me long before our relationship. I considered that and decided to protect her dignity by sleeping in the same room with her and the guy. That way it wouldn’t look like she invited somebody over in my absence.

The next morning, I and the guy exchanged greetings like old friends. After that, he went to take his bath, got dressed, and our lady went to see him off. While she was gone, I went through her phone. From all indications, they were lovers. The lady seemed to love the guy so much but the guy wasn’t reciprocating the same energy. In their chats, she said bitter things about me. I just kept mute over it because I could tell their relationship was about to end.

Truly, things ended for them after that time. I thought that was the end but I was wrong. There was another guy to take his place. She would cook and invite him for dinner. At some point, I would call this lady and she would refuse to answer. The days she answered too, I would hear a male voice in the background but she’d tell me it was the radio.

I ignored all these negative signs and continued being with her because I was so much into her and we were just at the initial stage of the journey. Also, I kept telling myself that we weren’t married yet so maybe she would change before marriage.

My dilemma now is that we have a year-old daughter together and I was planning to tie the knot with her by the end of this year or early next year. However, apart from those red flags that have left many hidden scars in my heart, there are other things that make me doubt we will have a happy marriage.

First, she has poor communication skills. Whenever there is a problem that needs to be addressed, she will never be ready for us to talk it through. I would bring up her need for proper communication and she would respond, “If it’s not working for you then go for someone who will treat you the way you want.”

That brings me to my next concern, her unwillingness to be submissive. She never regards me as the man of the house. Due to this, when issues come up I ask her mum to talk to her. Unfortunately, she doesn’t listen to her mother either. It makes me wonder how we are going to settle problems in our marriage.

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No matter what she does, she tries to explain it away. She wouldn’t admit she was wrong, let alone apologize. That aside, she is always so serious. I cherish being playful around my woman, giving her random hugs, and kisses. It makes me feel connected and seen. When I try to have that kind of intimacy with her, she pushes me away. When it comes to shuperu, she only does it when she is in the mood. In a whole month, she gives it to me only once. The highest we ever went was three times in a month. Other times we don’t do it at all.

She is currently in school. I don’t earn much at the moment but I try my best by paying part of her school fees and accommodation. I also cater for her upkeep and that of the child. I don’t even save much for myself. Regardless, I don’t complain. I do what I need to do to make her comfortable.

Would You Help Your Woman Attain Higher Position Than Yourself?

Whenever I’m with them I assist her in her studies and help with domestic chores like cooking, washing, cleaning, washing the baby, dressing her up, feeding her, and changing her diapers. All I want is for her to consider my feelings in return for my efforts. But I am not getting it. She does nothing to show that she cares about my emotions in the least bit.

I don’t know how I can make a marriage with a woman like this work. Is there hope that she will change when I start making money? If not, will I be a bad person if I leave her now that we have a child together? We don’t have to force the marriage to happen. I will be there as a father for my child while she lives her single life or goes to find what she wants in a man. This issue has been eating me up for too long. Please, help a brother.

— Kojo

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