When he asked me to move in with him, it was with the promise of marriage. He said he wanted to put a few things together first. By then my family knew him and our relationship. They didn’t have any problem with him. He had also taken me home to meet his family. The love and reception they gave me made me feel like one of them. They didn’t even refer to me as his girlfriend. They called me, “Nene’s wife.” All that was left for them was to perform the marriage rites to legitimize our union.
This was what I was waiting for before we would live together. When he first brought up the subject, I wasn’t enthused about it. “Couples who live together before marriage don’t always go well,” I told him. “But we are not couples,” he objected, “It’s you and me. I know you just as you know me. Do you think us living together won’t work out? We are getting married soon, anyway.” I was convinced by this argument.
Truly, when I agreed for us to give it a shot, it wasn’t bad those first few months. I have a provision shop that I run so I am not entirely financially dependent on him. The two of us pool our resources together to take care of the home. We were practically married at this point. So I constantly brought up the subject of marriage. I would tell him, “We are already doing the marriage thing in practice. Let’s just take the big step and make it official. If money is the problem, we can do something small. All that matters is you pay my dowry and present the items on the list to my family.” He said we would do it soon.
That soon has turned into years and four children together. He still has no intention to marry me. My family has stepped in and tried to get him to do the needful but no. He wants us to remain as we are. His own family has also tried to influence him to act in a way that will honour me and their family’s image. He refused that one too. There’s no one he is ready to listen to concerning the subject.
These days when it comes up, it turns into a fight between us. It hurts me that things have gotten to this point. I don’t like it when there is conflict in the house. Our adorable children are my world. The last thing I want is to trouble their childhood. That’s why most of the time I pretend to be happy for their sake.
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I thought I knew him well enough in the early days but he keeps showing me different sides of himself as time passes. Now, he has resorted to verbal abuse at the slightest provocation. Once I overheard him telling our oldest child, “Had it not been for you children, I would have left your mother long ago.” I thought that was the worst he could do until one day he insulted me, and insulted my mother in addition.
When I complain to an elder person to talk to him or his family members to call him to order, he would listen to the person in humility. Sometimes he would even apologize in front of them. You would think he is an angel who has truly repented. The moment the people leave, he would turn around and shower me with all sorts of insults. This means, involving others when he misbehaves is no longer an option for me.
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Lest I forget, he says he is behaving this way because he doesn’t trust me. It’s not as if I have done things to give him a reason not to. He just feels I am cheating on him. He is so sure of his accusations that he tells me, “I am waiting for the day I will catch you in bed with another man. That is when you will see my ugly side.” Every time he says this I ask myself, “So after all this ugliness, he has another ugly side hidden?”
I don’t feel safe living with him anymore. I want to move out, and then break up with him. That is what is best for me but I’m worried that he is petty enough to wash his hands off the children when I leave. Knowing what I know now, he might decide not to be responsible for the children just to punish me. This is why I need to know how best to go about the break up without jeopardizing the future of the kids.
— Yaa
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My sister break up can be mild or hard or soft based on how you put it and the person’s reaction towards it especially if the said person is innocent. In his case he is not so don’t fear ending it with him. Even if he washes his hands off them you have a job and a whole community to support you. Don’t make verbal abuse appear normal to your innocent children. Next time don’t live with someone who hasn’t married you. Also your man is cheating on you. It’s clear by his statement. Those people who say this or use your past crime against are guilty of cheating and hence are looking for any silly excuse to leave.
Madam, prepare an exit plan. Don’t just leave. Save some money and get a place of your own. Make plans to help you to be independent in case he decides to wash his hands of the children.
He cannot wash his hands off the children! Our women should stop this habit of bearing the cross alone. Even if you can bear it alone insist that he fulfill his side because you did not make the children alone. That is why the courts are there.