My wife once said, “My dear, if you want to cheat on me, go as far away as possible. Even if you are doing it near home, make sure it is with a stranger. By all means, do not cheat on me with anyone who knows me. It will pain me if someone I know gets to know what I am settling for.” At first, I thought it was a joke because it came out of nowhere so I laughed. However, I turned to look at her face and found no hint of amusement. She was dead serious. I asked why she would say such a thing to me. Instead of giving me a reason, she shrugged and walked away.

I am a full-grown man. I am no virgin schoolboy. I had been with quite a number of women before I married my wife. None of the women in my past ever said anything of this nature to me. It isn’t that they couldn’t tell me the truth. Even through their actions, there was no indication that I was inadequate when it came to the bedroom. In fact, I had often been told by these women that I was a terrific lover. So imagine my surprise when the woman who agreed to spend the rest of her life with me told me to my face that she was settling for me.

I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong with her. I tried to get her to tell me if there was anything I wasn’t doing right. Whenever I sat her down for a serious conversation about this topic, she made jokes until the conversation died without achieving its purpose. As a man, it bugged me.

One day we were watching Television. There was a movie involving a sex scene. It was a very steamy scene. I was watching the movie but I had a lot on my mind. I wasn’t even paying attention to what they were doing until I heard my wife say, “Wow! That’s so hot. My ex used to make me feel like that. That guy could make me so wet. And when he needed us to take a little break, he knew exactly where to touch to dry me up. As soon as he was ready to go again, he would turn on the waterworks. He just knew how to do me.” I looked at her face and my spirit shrunk when I saw nostalgia written all over it.

At that moment, I was too hurt to utter a word. So I pretended that I was too engrossed in the movie to hear her. The entire time we sat down in silence, I just wanted to disappear into myself. That statement has been living rent-free in my head since she uttered it. It even made the comment about the cheating more confusing for me.

The interesting thing too is, that when we are having intimacy, she is responsive. She makes the right sounds to communicate that she is enjoying it. So why should she talk to me as if I don’t satisfy her properly?

Currently, we have been married for eight years. We have two children together. I want to believe that if I was as bad a lover as she says, we wouldn’t have made it this far. Still, I am determined to make her happy.

Recently I asked her, “What exactly can I do to satisfy you in the bedroom?” This is what she said; “When I was younger, I dated a married man. One day this man got drunk and came over to my house. He was on top of me pounding away until I got tired and told him, ‘it’s okay. Go home and finish with your wife.’ All I am saying is that a drunk man satisfied me so well that I asked him to stop. You are a man. Figure it out.” I was completely thrown off but I kept my cool. I thought she would say something more helpful than that but she didn’t.

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When I think about it, I get the impression that my wife is not looking for things to improve between us. If truly, she wanted to see a change, she would sit me down and point out the problems. She wouldn’t make these snarky comments in an attempt to demean me. The painful part is, that not for once has she said anything nice to me about my performance when it comes to intimacy. Even if I am doing something wrong, does it mean I don’t even do anything right? Not foreplay? Not even kissing? Is she telling me I am bad all-round?

Just the other day, there was a leaked tape of two celebrities. The content was explicit. My wife posted clips from this video on her WhatsApp status and captioned it, “This man is a real man.” You wouldn’t need an explanation to know that she was referring to the man’s manhood and sexual prowess. I had never felt so disrespected in my life until that moment.

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

All along I was holding on to our marriage, hoping things would improve. However, after that WhatsApp post, I am convinced there is no saving our marriage. I believe I can never do anything to satisfy her. The fact that she makes jokes when I try to talk to her about how she makes me feel doesn’t help matters. I am convinced that I am not what she wants in a man. Just as there are women out there who would be completely happy with what I have, there is also a man out there for her. All the things she has told me about her exes, me too my exes have said them to me. So it could be that we are not sexually compatible.

I have done a great deal of thinking and I have arrived at the conclusion that I should end my marriage. That way we can each find the right fit for us. I don’t know if this is a step in the right direction, or if I am giving up too easily without a fight. That is why I am here. I need you to read my story and give me some counsel. What step should I take next?

— Mugambi

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