He was my first love. He was my first kiss too. Everything I knew about relationships, I learned from him. Everything I knew about love, he taught me. Talking about firsts, our relationship began when I was in my first year at the university. We planned that we would get married after I complete school.

I was either so madly in love with him that it blinded me or I was just very naïve about men. At first, it started as little signs of jealousy. I thought questions like, “Why are you talking to that boy? Does he know that you have a boyfriend? Were cute and sweet.

It was when we had our first argument that I knew who I was really dealing with. It happened when I went to visit him at home. We planned that I would spend the night so I went with my overnight bag. When I got there we were talking when a male friend sent me a text message. This was around 7 pm.

He asked me, “Who is that texting you? What’s your relationship with him?” I explained, “It’s just a friend texting to check up on me.” He accepted what I said without any questions.

Around 1 a.m., I was asleep when he woke me up. He was unhappy about the text I received from my male friend earlier in the night. I was confused. I asked him why he didn’t address his concerns when he had the chance. He responded, “If you don’t stop running your mouth, I will throw you out.”

I didn’t know if he meant it or if he was bluffing. I couldn’t risk finding out. Who wants to be stranded at 1 am? Definitely not me. So I sat down quietly and listened to him insult me miserably. When he finished he went back to sleep. Me, I couldn’t sleep. I lay down thinking about how I ended up with an abusive person and didn’t know it.

When he calmed down the next morning, he apologized for how he lost control of his temper. He swore that it would never again. I thought this was what they meant when they said, “Relationships aren’t perfect. That’s why you have to be willing to work out your differences.” So I gave him another chance.

He acted nicely for a while. This gave me hope that things could get better. Then I visited him another time. He was at home with his cousin when I got there. They were engrossed in some discussions so I sat apart from them. After a few minutes, my boyfriend went out to do something. His cousin, who was sitting on a couch while watching a movie on his laptop, laughed really loud. When he finished he said, “Aly, come and watch this scene. It’s so funny.”

I couldn’t have ignored him. So I moved from my seat, stood behind the couch, and watched the scene over his shoulder. When it ended, I walked back to my seat. Just as I was sitting down, Godfred was entering the room. He looked at me, frowned, and told his cousin to leave us.

When the guy left he asked me; “What’s going on between you and my cousin?” Once again, I was confused. I asked what he meant and he answered, “You went to him when I left the room. Then you ran back to your seat when you saw me coming. The two of you were doing something, am I wrong?” I was so stunned that I didn’t know what to tell him.

No matter what I said to make him understand that there was nothing going on between us, he didn’t believe me. We argued about it. In the heat of the moment he threatened, “If you are not careful with me, I will end your life.” I knew better than to take a threat like that lightly. I instantly withdrew from him and started avoiding him.

When he realized that I was no longer paying attention to him, he came to apologize again. “Please, I am sorry that I lost control again. Give me another chance so I can make things right.” Honestly, I knew I couldn’t marry a man like him. However, I couldn’t walk away from him for some reason.

I accepted him back as though nothing had happened. And we started dating again.

I was there one day when I got a text from an unknown number. The person said he knew me. He said we grew up in the same neighbourhood. He mentioned his name and described himself but I couldn’t figure out who he was. He said a lot of intimate things about me that only people close to me knew. So I was curious to see what he looked like.

I asked for his photo but he refused to send it. He didn’t agree to voice calls either. I couldn’t stand the mystery. So when he proposed to meet me, I agreed. Then he said, “When I come, I will visit you so we can have shuperu.” I felt the conversation had taken a weird course, but my curiosity to meet him won over my disgust for his request. So I told him, “Okay, you can do whatever you want as long as I see who you are.”

The response that came was, “Aly, this is your boyfriend. You just agreed to have sex with a total stranger. I didn’t know you were cheap like that. I always knew you were a whore.” I couldn’t believe him. The fact that he thought he set a trap to catch me doing something I had no intention of doing shocked me. He insulted me miserably. Then he threatened to kill me. I just told him that I didn’t want the relationship anymore.

Once again, he came to apologize. By then I was more determined than anything that I could never marry him. Marriage to him would end in a divorce within two years. It’s either that or he would kill me before that divorce happens.

This is why I refused to accept him back this time around. He wouldn’t let go. He proposed, “Now that you’ve completed school, we can start working toward our marriage plans.” I blatantly responded, “I won’t marry you.” He got angry, “Are you rejecting me because you got a good job after school and I didn’t? Am I beneath you now?” I explained that had nothing to do with my decision.

I reminded him of the time I planned to vy for an SRC position on campus. He encouraged me to go, only to discourage me when I was about to apply. Later, I found out he did it because he didn’t want me to be the centre of attention.

I reminded him again of the time I joined a cooking contest with my friends. It is widely known among those who have tasted my cooking that I make the best light soup. He said so himself when I told him about the contest. To my surprise, this guy told me on the day of the contest that I shouldn’t do it.

READ ALSO: My Ex-Girlfriend Came To My Wedding With A Note Of Threat

After all the planning and preparations, he wanted me to quit. I didn’t talk. I just nodded and said I would withdraw from the contest. When he left, I went to participate and won. When he found out, he didn’t congratulate me. He was rather upset that I defied him. Why would I want to marry a man who sees the need to hold me back so he could be the star in the relationship? This was one of the reasons I gave him for rejecting him.

He wasn’t happy but I did what was necessary for my peace of mind. And today, I am better for it. After him, I dated two other guys but things didn’t work out. The fourth person I dated is currently my husband. It took me four attempts to finally meet my soul mate. He, on the other hand, married me, his first love and his first girlfriend.

I’ve Thought About How To Blame God

He is the man of my dreams, and he takes good care of me. I am happy that after all I went through, I ended up with someone who respects me and pushes me to accomplish my goals. I am sharing my story because I have read a lot of stories about women who said they didn’t see signs of abuse until later in the marriage.

I don’t think that’s the case. The signs are always there. It’s just that sometimes we allow love to blind us to the truths of who our partners are. Although Godfred never hit me, his verbal abuse and threats were enough to make me understand that he would soon start hitting me and blame it on, “I lost control.” My point is, look out for the signs and avoid them. Marriage is not something to be rushed into. It’s more enjoyable when you are on the same page with your partner. Also, don’t give up love. Someone is out there waiting for you to find them.

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—Aly

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