Before my husband and I got married, I was working and doing well for myself. I lived comfortably knowing very well that I will not lack for anything no matter what. I have a good job and I didn’t have anyone I was taking care of. Life was good. My husband on the other hand was struggling to keep a job. Either the salary was too small for him or his boss was too bossy.
He would get a job and say, “I believe I will do well with this organization. The money they are offering me is reasonable. I like the work environment too.” I would be happy that my man has finally found a place he belongs. Then within a month or two, he would quit. Or they would let him go. When I ask him what happened he would say, “Everything was fine but the role was not a good fit for me.”
This attitude of his made me concerned. But he always assured me that he had a plan. He would bring out his wonderful business ideas and paint a picture of how he plans to execute them. I believed him. I believed that with the right motivation he would succeed. So I stood by him and urged him on. There was a time I even told him, “You have to sit up and turn your life around. Keep a job. Have some consistency in your finances. If not, marriage is not on the table for us.”
After our talk, I saw that he started getting his life together. The next job he got, he worked hard to keep it. He became the man I wanted him to be. At first, I thought his change in behaviour was just a nine-day wonder. But he did everything to prove that he had genuinely changed. A lot of time passed and he showed no sign of quitting his job. He was very serious so I went ahead with our marriage plans.
As soon as we got married, my husband buried the supposedly new man he had become. He started slacking and lost his job as a result. He finds a reason not to pursue every job or opportunity that comes his way. It has been five years since we’ve been married, and I am the one who has been taking care of the home this whole time. The man of the house lazies at home with the explanation, “I am figuring out what I want to do with my life.” Yet I haven’t seen any result to show that he truly is figuring his life out. All he does is hang out with his boys.
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Anytime I bring up a conversation about his idleness, he listens attentively and acts genuinely concerned that his attitude is taking a toll on me. He would apologize and tell me, “Babe, I am sorry about the way things are turning out. I promise to do better.” We would finish the talk but I wouldn’t see any actions from his end. All I get are phone calls and messages from people telling me, “Your husband owes me money.” I feel very sad and embarrassed when this happens.
Apart from talking to him, I have prayed, sowed seeds, fasted, cried, and tried everything I can to get him to do something to support me but nothing seems to work. He would start a new project and never finish it. Because of this man, I am financially, emotionally and mentally drained. I am always thinking. It has gotten so bad that I find myself lost in thoughts even when I am driving or at work. Sometimes I think of walking away from the marriage, but I don’t believe in divorce and I love him so that’s not an option.
Now that I am writing this, I’m even wondering why I want to share my story here. Maybe I am just looking for an outlet. I keep thinking back on the way my life was before I got married. Yes, I was paying my own rent. I bought water, electricity, food, toiletries, and everything else for myself. It was easier to do that because I was providing for only my needs. Now I have a husband I am responsible for. So I spend more than I used to spend with the same income I used to earn. This worries me. In the past, I wasn’t afraid of going broke but now, I am.
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I can’t imagine living like this for the rest of my life. I know some people would say that I ignored the red flags when we were dating. I didn’t. I saw them, addressed them, and he changed before we got married. How was I to know that he would go back to his old ways right after the marriage ceremony? The painful thing too is, no one in our lives knows what I am dealing with. I wear a happy face in front of our families and friends. They think everything is fine. I do this because if my family gets wind of his behaviour, he won’t have it easy.
So I am sitting in this marriage, quietly drowning. I don’t even go out or do anything to take my mind off my problems. This is because I’m always calculating what would be left in my account till my next salary. I’m sad and hurting. I need help dealing with this. What do I do? How else can I resolve this without divorcing him?
–Tatiana
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Girl, you need to give him the same ultimatum you gave him before you got married. Give him a time limit, and tell him to get a job or get serious with some business, or you’re kicking him out, and mean it.
He knows you love him you earn well, and you don’t want divorce. He’s simply being an opportunist, and taking advantage of you. Where does he get money from to hang out with friends? I hope not from you. If so, stop financing his ” chilling”.
If he doesn’t respond to your ultimatum, be prepared to be separated for a while. Give yourself timeliness. If he still doesn’t come around, you need to be ready to walk away.
This situation is bad for your mental and physical health.
Believe me, as someone who’s gone through something similar, you need your peace of mind, before you break down totally! All the best!
The problem is more you than him. You want to portray what you are not and he knows that. Be true to yourself and the world. Get more people involved. Begin with the pastors, other people he respects, then his family and if that doesn’t work your family. If all that fails you have to choose your sanity and let him go. As it is now you are close to a breakdown already!