When I told my husband I wanted to buy a car, he laughed at me. He asked where I was going to get the money. I told him he was the one going to buy it for me. He told me it would be easier for the Messiah to return than for him to buy me a car. I knew his financial power. It wasn’t something he could buy a car from but I needed a car, not because of luxury but as a matter of necessity.

My workplace was too far I had to wake up at dawn to be able to get a car. Getting to work early or late wasn’t determined by how early or late I woke up. I could stand by the roadside for several minutes without getting a car. To be on the safest side, I had to be there by 5:30 a.m. before I could stand a chance of getting a car to work.

We have a four-year-old child who had to be prepared for school. Because I had to leave home early, I had to wake him up very early. It was affecting his health and his ability to grasp things. My husband’s office is a walking distance. He doesn’t need to wake up early but he wouldn’t help with the child because it’s a woman’s job. I will wake up early to prepare his meals. I will wake him up, bathe him, dress him up for school and leave him with his dad. Sometimes he would sleep again. It was always hard for him.

I knew getting a car would solve all these issues. I enquired about all the loan facilities at my workplace and decided I would take a loan to get the car. I spoke to my husband about it and he thought it was a good idea because the terms of the loan were flexible.

When I got the money and was ready to buy the car, it was my husband who spoke to his friend to help me get a good deal. A week later, I went out and came home with a car my money could afford. That night we didn’t sleep, we talked about the car all night and how happy we were to have a car in the house.

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I had already learned how to drive but again, my husband spoke to his friend to help me polish my driving skills so I don’t drive into problems. A week later, I started driving my car to work. I took my time. I didn’t have to wake up at dawn again. I didn’t have to wake my child up too early. I was able to send him to school myself before driving to work. My problem was solved, or so I thought.

A few weeks later, my husband developed this new sense of entitlement that told him he was the one to have a car and not me. I don’t know who he spoke to or the kind of gossip he consumed. It wasn’t sudden but from the way he talked, and the way he acted around the issues of the car, I presumed he was jealous and he confirmed it. He started talking about friends who were laughing at him that he had bought a car for his wife but he was walking to work. And then to, “You know if a woman brings a gun home, it’s the man who fires it.”

He learned to drive on weekends and once he got to know his way around driving, he started telling me when he had to drive to work and when I had to use the car. I told him, “I bought it because of work. You won’t have it on weekdays when you can walk to your office. When I come from work, you can use it for whatever you want to use it for.”

The next thing I knew, his mother was calling me. She said, “My daughter, you don’t have to allow this to bring you problems. He’s the man. Give him the car. You both can save again and buy another one. Don’t you feel ashamed that you’re driving around while your husband walks? Give it to him. You know men and their ego.”

When I spoke to my husband about it, he said, “My mom has been married for over forty years so she understands the dynamics of marriage.” I told him, “Then she’s wrong this time. I didn’t buy the car as a luxury item. It solves a problem for me and you know it. I won’t go back to that problem.”

The annoying thing is that he would drive the car immediately after I park. On weekends, he would drive it to places he had no reason to go and come and park it empty. He has never bought fuel ever since I brought the car home. Yet he wants to own it.

I don’t believe this is an issue that deserves a family meeting but somehow, he was able to bring my parents into the issue that my use of the car disrespects him. And amazingly, when they sat on the issue, they sided with my husband. I said, “OK. I took a loan to buy the car. I will give it to him if only he agrees to pay the loan.”

They think I’m being difficult but there’s nothing difficult about insisting on your right. Our marriage isn’t as it used to be because of this car. I won’t even blame the car. It is innocent. It sits there and performs its duty when called. My marriage is in shambles because of a man who won’t allow his wife to be comfortable. In marriage, comfort belongs to the husband. It’s his birthright just as suffering is the birthright of the wife. Me using a car while he walks demeans him. It’s like I’ve taken his place and he’s fighting for it.

How about our child’s comfort? How about the fact that he doesn’t have to wake up at dawn, bath, dress up and sleep again? He thinks about himself first but I won’t give him the car because it satisfies his ego, so we fight. Our bed is divided. The house is divided. Our life is divided. He’s shocked I’m not bowing down. The last time I told him, “If we continue going down this way, I’ll sell the car and have my peace of mind.” He screamed, “Sell it. Sell it so people will get off my back. You think I’ll cry if you do?”

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I know his game plan. He wants me where he can feel superior again. Me using a car diminishes him as a man but I haven’t changed as a wife so why should he bother?

Anyway, I still have the car. I drive to work and drive back home. It helps me be a good wife and a good mother. I pick up my kid from school early and he smiles. I’m home early to be a wife and that should make him happy too. It’s his problem and not mine, the fact that he’s not happy.

—Mimi

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