He hit me. Again. The first time it happened he said he lost his temper. The second time it happened, I took my nine-month-old baby and left the house. There was no way I was going to put up with an abusive man. However, the thing about abusers is that they usually experience deep remorse when you leave them. Or maybe they just pretend to be remorseful so you wouldn’t leave them. I don’t know if he truly was sorry when he followed me home and begged me and my family for forgiveness. He swore he would never lay a finger on me again. “That was the same thing he said the first time so why would this time be any different?” I asked my family after they advised me to forgive him.

They told me, “Maybe don’t run your mouth too much. He is a man, it doesn’t take much to please them. Give him food when he is hungry, and give him the other food when he asks for it.” As I listened to their torrents of advice I kept thinking about how I didn’t want Edward when we first met in the polytechnic. When he first asked me to be his girlfriend I blatantly said no. I had absolutely no desire for him. Maybe desire is too strong. I didn’t even feel a spark between us. So there was no way I would date him. He also took my rejection for keep trying. So he kept coming back, “Have you had a change of heart about my proposal?” I would smile and say, “Unfortunately not. We can only be friends, Eddy.”

After I completed school and was doing my national service, he came to my office to do some transactions. We caught up briefly and he said, “So you won’t be my girlfriend?” I shook my head and said nothing had changed. So he presented a business proposal to me and said he would like for us to be partners. It was a good business idea and the plan was elaborate. I figured if I couldn’t partner with him romantically, I could partner with him to do business.

After we started the business and started running operations, I started falling in love with him. Maybe it was the way he ran things or his brilliance in executing plans. I don’t know what it was but he was still interested in me so I accepted his proposal. He was the second man I had dated and the first man I took home. I am the only girl among six brothers so he felt very at home with my family. You know how men easily get along with each other.

The next thing I realized, we had planned a wedding and we were walking down the aisle. It happened so fast but we were in love so we were both happy. Just one week after the marriage ceremony, we had an argument. I had helped one of my relatives abroad with something. When I finished, he also extended the same helping hand to his friend who was living abroad. When I found out I complained, “Why didn’t you tell me you were helping your friend?” He got angry, warned me to never disrespect his friends again, and drove me out of our matrimonial home. My family had to step in to resolve the issue.

A month after that, one of my brothers gave me a contract. He believed it was something I could do but after I took a look at it, I decided that it is better suited for both Edward and my twin brother so I gave it to them. When Edward found out that he was sharing the contract with my twin he got angry again. “You are not a supportive wife. If you were, you would have given the contract to only me,” he ranted. How could he ask me to choose between him and my twin? I told him, “I don’t want to get in the middle of all this. You two should find a way to make it work.”

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Three months after that he stopped providing for the house. I was schooling and working at the same time, and had just suffered a miscarriage. Yet he thought it wise to dump the burden of providing for our home on me. As if that wasn’t enough, he wanted to bring home his six-year-old niece for me to adopt. I told him, “I have so much on my plate right now so I can’t accept the child.” This time around too he wasn’t pleased. To spite me, he started keeping trash in our fridge. He would finish a drink, or water but wouldn’t throw the empty containers away. I was really tired of picking up after him so I pleaded with him to use the bin. His response was three slaps; two on my left cheek, and one on my right cheek. “When I tried to bring someone to clean up after me, did you agree?” He yelled. That was the first time he hit me.

I am sure you are wondering if I didn’t see the signs. Trust me, I did not. I was working while we were running a business so I barely spent time alone with him when we were dating. He was so sweet that if someone had told me back then that he was violent I wouldn’t believe them. That’s why when he apologized after the first time it happened, I accepted it. But a second time was just too much for me. However, my family got through to me and I went home with him.

The third time he lost his temper, he didn’t just hit me or slap me. He beat me up and left me with bruises. This time when my family saw it, they did not take it easy on him. Everyone was against him. They were ready for me to sign divorce papers and walk away from him. But it is not so simple anymore. We have a child together now. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I will stay for the child. What I am saying is that I am not financially sound enough to take care of the child all by myself. He is the one who controls our money. So I have decided to bid my time until I get a better job. Then I would leave him. There is no way I am going to stay and raise my child in an abusive environment.

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For now, I barely talk to him. I have convinced myself that if I talk less, he wouldn’t have any reason to get angry and lose his temper. The only things we say to each other are, “How are you?” “How is the baby?” “Have you eaten?” When he wants shuperu, he wouldn’t say it or even try to seduce me. He would just come and open my legs, satisfy himself, and then leave. Every love I ever felt for him is gone. My siblings no longer talk to him, and he doesn’t talk to them either. My parents want me to come home but I don’t want to go and burden them. I want to be financially sound first before I leave.

–Lamisi

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