If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.

I couldn’t tell my mom about it because I knew how she felt about children. Even though1 I’m not married, she keeps reminding me of her grandchildren. Anytime I dress up and step out she tells me, “Tell them to make up their mind and settle down with you. I’m looking forward to my grandchildren and I hope they start coming soon.” How would I walk to a woman like my mom and tell her that my boyfriend cannot give birth? I wanted to handle it to a point where I could make my own decision before bringing her in. We kept meeting and kept living like all was well. We tried to avoid the topic. We realized that was the only way to make us happy so we didn’t talk about it.

In the month of April last year, he got moody. Nothing I did could lift up his spirit. I asked, “Is it something about me?” He shook his head. I asked again, “Is it something about work?” Again, he shook his head. He said, “Don’t worry about me. Everything would be fine.” It was later I found out through his status that it was the anniversary of the death of his wife. I asked him, “Is that the reason?” He answered, “It could be but there’s a lot to it than just that.”

When the time came, I went with him to his wife’s grave. He told me the story. He told me what exactly happened the night before she died. He told me her last words. I was drawn to his sadness. I pitied him for his suffering. On our way going, I asked him, “Do you still love her?” If you had the powers would you bring her back to life?” He answered, “Yes I would bring her back to life so this loneliness would go away. I miss being a family man. The kids, the moment, the life but I blame you a little. If you made up your mind for us to be together, this void would have been filled somehow but you won’t.”

From there, we went to visit his parents. His mother looked at me in a way that called for an introduction. He said, “I’m with her. We are still talking. Maybe something would come up.” His mother asked, “She knows everything?” He asked, “What do you mean by everything?” Just when the woman was about to talk, he picked the words right from her mouth; “Yeah she knows. It’s the reason I said we are talking about it.” The mother turned to me and said, “My lady, everything that happened was unfortunate. If he knew what the future holds, it wouldn’t have come to this. I hope you understand. It’s very difficult to understand life sometimes.”

I really wasn’t getting it so I thought she was talking about the death of his wife. Not knowing she was rather talking about his inability to give birth. I asked him, “Even your mother knows about it?” He answered, “I don’t hide anything from her. She’s aware of all my hustles. She’s the only ear I trust to listen without judgment. Trust me, she knows a lot.” We got home and we talked. He asked me to make a decision. He told me he was tired of running away from what is inevitable. “Decide now what you’ll like us to do and I will listen.” Honestly, I’d made up my mind to let everything go because having kids mean a lot to me. “I told him, “I’m ok the way we are now. I don’t think it would make me happy knowing that I’m in a marriage that can’t bring forth offspring. I won’t be true to you, I swear. I would walk with doubt in my head. I will be lighter. I will feel incomplete. So this is what I’ve decided. If you find someone who will like to marry you, go ahead. Don’t even think of me. I will leave and find someone else.”

He shook his head in disbelief. He said, “I knew it would come to this. When did you decide that you didn’t tell me until now?” He looked sour and disappointed. Nothing I said could please his hurting heart. We went to bed without talking to each other. The following day, I left silently without saying goodbye. He called to ask why I left without telling him. I couldn’t explain. I told him, “Looking at your mood last night, I guess it’s over, right?” He said, “You tell me.”

The thought of it left me frustrated so I run to my mother. I told her everything and what she said was, “Oh nice man like this can’t have kids? What will drive him to take such a drastic decision at this young age? No, you can’t marry him. He already has his own and wants to prevent you from having your own? No, that can’t be possible. No matter the love you have in your heart for him, please kill it. Kill it now…now…now…”

The next time we talked, I told him what my mother has said. Our fate was sealed and I thought there was no way back to him. It also looked like what I said hurt him so he was pulling away from me. He stopped calling me and when he picked up my calls, the conversation didn’t flow like it used to. It was difficult for us to get past how ‘are you,’ But I didn’t stop calling him. I texted him when I could just to keep the vibe going. Several weeks later. I was still thinking about him. I thought to myself, “I have to find someone to replace him if I really want to kill the feeling I have for him.”

Before I met him, there was a pastor in our church who was trying to get my attention. I kept saying no to him because there was another lady around him I thought he was dating. He kept denying it but he didn’t do anything to prove that he and the lady weren’t dating. It was just around that time that I met the lawyer so I cut him off. He also traveled so it made things easier. One day I went to church and this pastor was back in the pulpit. We locked eyes and we smiled at each other. After church, we met. We talked for a while and he said something like, “You still don’t want to marry a pastor? I laughed. I knew he knew that wasn’t the reason why I kept saying no to him. I told him, “Welcome back. We are here. You just came. I wish you a happy stay.”

This guy kept pursuing me with a different kind of energy so I said yes to him and we started dating. That was like four months after the lawyer. I put my all into the relationship just so I could forget about the lawyer but it turned out that a new relationship is not a fortress to keep us away from the exes we still love. It’s an open arena where you chose who you want and stick with it. January is the Lawyer’s birth month. I sent him a birthday message and he invited me to his birthday cocktail. He had come to the city purposely to celebrate his birthday with some friends. I went. After the party, I sat next to him in his car to take me to my house. Along the way he stopped. He kissed me and I responded. He asked me, “Should I take you home?” I answered, ”You decide.” 

I woke up the next morning in his hotel bed.

What I was running from finally caught up with me. It’s surprising how I didn’t put up any defense. It beat my imagination how I let myself go that easily. That was January. You would expect that I would come back to my senses after the first encounter and run away from him. No, I stayed. I told him about the pastor and he said, ”I don’t blame you. A few women would say yes to what we find ourselves in. Be easy on yourself because I’ve learned to take things easy.” 

Now, I’m in a love triangle. No, love right-angled triangle rather. At the base point is me whereas the lawyer and the pastor stand far apart from each other to form the hypotenuse. (You didn’t take basic maths seriously. How can you understand?) It’s complicated—I’m the complicated heart right now.

It’s been like this for more than three months. I love him. I really do. We talked about it the other time and he said, “I’m ready to go any length for a child for you. But these options are not 100% perfect. We can spend all the money in this world and still not get children. If you come in hoping we might get children and it doesn’t happen, you’ll be left frustrated and hurting. At this point in my life, I’d rather get someone who is in it no matter what than live with someone who’s hoping for the best.” The other time too he told me, “If you want a child that much, you can get one from wherever you can get it from and later come back. That’s how much I love you.”

I’m being unfair to the pastor. He walks around innocently doing the Lord’s work and asking God to make a way for us but I’m here blocking the way with one leg, while the other leg is in another men’s bed. It’s not fair and I want to leave but it’s not easy. Again, I will ask the questions I asked in the first story. Why can’t a rose do without thorns? Should every path come with a puddle? I’m stuck here knowing exactly what I have to do but lacking the will to go ahead and do it. I’ve thought about it deeply and this is what I’m going to do…

I will travel to a new place and begin life again. I will change my number and tell none of them my whereabouts. But before that, I will break up with the pastor first and flee from the lawyer. I think that will be the best way to resolve my situation. If I don’t see him or hear from him again, the love would die down and the mind would learn to forget while the heart learns to move on. This would be the best for me and I will do just that.  

–Ruby

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