My worst fear as a man came to pass three years after marriage. I lost my job. The news came when my wife was seven months pregnant. I didn’t know how to tell her in her condition so I lied to her for two months.

At first, I said I was on leave. A month later, I started going out there in search of a new job but she thought I was going to work. When she delivered, I gave her the news. She’s the hopeful kind of woman. She said I shouldn’t worry because I was going to get a better job soon. You lose what you have to get a new one. It’s easier to fill an empty hand than a hand that’s already filled, she told me.

Our baby crawled, walked and mentioned her first word, “Dada.” I was still home without a job. I went out there, every day looking for something to do, just anything that could pay me something but I came back home empty-handed. The money in my account got depleted so the responsibilities of the home came to rest on the shoulders of my wife.

I was scared. I know how badly women handle responsibilities when they have to do it all alone. It will look fine for a few months but when it prolongs, they begin to nag. It happens in movies. It happens in real life. It happens to people you know. The story mostly doesn’t end well. So I lived in fear. At some point, I couldn’t eat well because I had no contribution to the final product served to me.

A lot changed in our lives as a couple. The little things. The bigger things. I was the one taking care of the children. My wife is a nurse. Until I lost my job, she didn’t go for night schedules but she started night shifts when I wasn’t getting a job. I’ll take care of the kids while she is at work in the evening and in the morning when she comes, I will continue taking care of them because she will be sleeping all day.

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When the kids went to her, she sent them back to me. “Mom I’m hungry.” She would respond, “Go to your father.”

The day she stopped washing and cleaning was the day I realized my stand in the marriage. I was the wife and she was the husband. Tables had turned but I didn’t complain. Because to be honest with you, she was taking care of the house without complaining. She renewed our rent without telling me or asking for a top-up.

I started working with a friend so I don’t go rusty. I discussed it with her first and she gave me the go-ahead. I don’t earn a salary. He gives me something at the end of the month. What he gives me depends on how much he makes at the end of the month. It’s not much but it keeps me busy. It gives me the power to make little financial contributions. I can buy soap for the house. I can pay ECG. I can pay water bills too. Not all of them together. One at a time in a month.

It’s been like this for some time now. We don’t fight though I’m in a constant battle with myself. We don’t quarrel. I accept my mistakes quickly so it doesn’t generate into something else. Life can be hard for a period but if you learn to manage things well, you’ll be OK. I was OK. Our marriage was thriving until my wife announced that she was travelling abroad.

It came out of nowhere. It wasn’t a plan to travel abroad or a dream to travel abroad someday. Her documents and everything were ready and she even had a date she was going to leave the country. I was like, “When did you start making this move that you didn’t tell me about it?” Her answer was, “If I told you, what would you have done? Would you have paid for my exams or for my plane tickets?”

I couldn’t pay so I didn’t deserve a say.

The most painful aspect of the whole thing is how she has arranged with her family to take care of the kids while she’s away. According to her plan, her parents will come for the kids when she’s gone and according to her, she’s doing that so I can be free and look for a job.

I asked, “So after getting a job and then what? ” She responded, “If you get a job and you think you can take care of them, why not? You can go for them. I’m only trying to help.”

“And you’ll make all the arrangements without my knowledge or input? Who are we, enemies?” I screamed

She doesn’t have plans for our marriage once she’s gone. I asked her about it and she said, “I’m not gone yet. Let me get there first and I’ll know. I don’t even know if I’ll ever come back.” I asked, “So what happens to me?” She answered, “You’re not a child and I’m not your mother that you’ll ask me that question. You can take care of yourself. Ain’t you a man?”

This thing looks like a strategic divorce to me. It’s like a slow poison. It doesn’t kill you immediately. It takes its time. It even makes you feel ecstatic before it finally throws the final blow. That’s how I see things now. She’ll go. Maybe cut communication and frustrate the link between us. When I complain, she’ll then tell me, “If you can’t cope then let’s get a divorce.”

She’s travelling without plans for our future. It looks like the marriage is doomed or I’m getting ahead of myself?

As for the kids, I’ll keep them. When push comes to shove, I’ll send them to my parents and hustle till I’ll be in a position to bring them to live with me. What I’m scared of right now is the future of our marriage.

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She has a few weeks to leave. Maybe, our marriage also has a few weeks to survive. I think once she leaves, we are over. Everything looks like the beginning of the end to me but she says she’ll talk about our future when she gets there. Don’t lose your job if you’re a husband. You won’t only lose a job. You’ll lose everything that makes you a man. You’ll lose balance. You’ll lose your say. You’ll lose yourself.

I’ve lost a lot but I’m about to lose what’s left. I won’t despair. You have to lose what’s in your hands before you can fill your hands with something new. Let’s see how it goes. Maybe I’m wrong but I will be happy to be wrong, for the first time.

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—Wisdom

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